So I had this dream last night where I'm driving on the West Side highway in Manhattan. I'm just cruising along, minding my own business, and BAM! a car sideswipes me! So I look up and see an old Bentley limousine accelerating away from the scene. I can't believe what's happening, and I proceed to chase after it. It's blowing through lights and not making any attempts to stop, and I'm getting angrier and angrier. Eventually it pulls over, and I run over to the window to see who this asshole is..
And it's Bob Hope.
I was absolutely stunned. What the hell was going on? Bob Hope just hit me with his car?!? I was bugging out. So there he is, rocking those amber-shaded sunglasses that old people wear, and he's got a fucking Mint Julep in his hand. I'm about to start yelling and he says: "Hey kid, do me a favor and scram. Do you know who the hell I am? I'm Bob Hope! What are you going to do, hit an American icon?"
So I say "You're godamned right I am" and I cock back and blast him right in the fucking eye. Whammo.
I figured that would stop him, seeing as he's 157 years old. But don't sleep on Bob Hope. He's a wily bastard. He springs up, looks at me with a whammy eye, and lunges like a puma right out the window into my chest. The next thing I know I'm on the dirty gravel trying to keep Bob fucking Hope from biting my face.
Figure A: Bob Hope, seen here dressed like a complete asshole.
So I hit him again, this time really hard in the temple, and he stops moving completely. Uh oh. Now I know I'm in trouble.
Then come sirens, reds and blues, screeching tires, and I feel arms under mine pulling me off him, and cameras are flashing and I hear a lady scream "you killed Bob Hope you horrible, horrible man!"
And then I woke up. Wow. What a dream. I blame Chinese food and Ginko Biloba. But the more I think about it, he totally deserved it. Noone should be allowed to drive Bentleys or drink Mint Juleps. He had to be stopped.
So what if he's Bob Hope. He might be a legend, but that doesn't change the fact that he's a first degree douchebag...
So I got a few pics I feel like posting today. Why? Because I love you. Somebody said to me recently, "Hey, jerk! Why don't you put pictures of monkeys up anymore?" Well sir, here are some monkeys for you. And please.. use happy words. I'm a bit sensitive.
"Monkey Knife Fight".
I could stare at this for hours. I secretly wish I could be as noble as a monkey gentleman.
"Monkeys On The Go."
Those glasses: Awesome. He reminds me of a young George Burns.
Courtesy of Monkey Jungle in Miami, which is one of the top 10 best places on Earth. I went there. Holy fucking crap. I was so excited, the staff were visibly concerned.
That 'Tang is rocking a Hustler shirt. The weird thing to me is Ron Jeremy looks more like a monkey than the monkey does.
Here are some more random pics:
Reason #2013 that Ernest Borgnine is the fucking man. I wish he wore that while in Airwolf. Jan Michael Vincent would have soiled his flight suit.
If I was that Saint Bernard, I'd shit on their beds.
Why is Japan the best? Because they have giant fire breathing robots.
Hey people. sorry for the post drought, I've been dumb busy. My classes are like having a clan of Mountain Gorillas living on my back. And I've got more homework than Jane Goodall has monkey stories. The point is, I've been very distracted. Not to mention I just got my computer back running after being crippled by a series of evil trojan viruses. Good thing I'm a big fat nerd, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to fix said problems, and therefore wouldn't be writing now. But before I continue with my usual 3 sentence, mono-syllabic posts, I thought I'd share a story. Warning: for those of you allergic to reading, this post is word heavy!
Over the last day or two I've been totally absorbed in news coverage of the recent Hurricane. I feel so sorry for those affected by it. I can't help but empathize. I see the footage of destruction and remember my own encounter back in 1992 with a grouchy fellow named Andrew.
I used to live in Miami as a kid, and back in 92 I returned to visit an old friend for a few weeks. We went to the Keys for a fishing trip, but had to cut it short as Hurricane Andrew was fast approaching Miami. So we packed up, and returned. Upon arriving in the city, people were boarding up and preparing for the storm. We did the same, and waited for Andrew to hit.
A few hours before Andrew hit, my friend and I took a walk around the city. I can tell you that the saying "Calm before the storm" is something very very real. It was so quiet, not a sound could be heard anywhere. Take in mind that Miami is like a rainforest with highways. So when you can't here any of the millions of insects, lizards, or birds, the effect is rather eerie.
I remember falling asleep and waking up to a defeaning sound. It was the rain. I remember how unbelievably loud it was..it sounded like millions of BB guns shooting the roof simultaneously. And the wind was so powerful you could almost feel the structure of the house breathing. I've never felt anything like it. It was as if the foundation were buckling and could be blown away at any moment.
My friends parents were frantic, trying to make sure the boards on the windows weren't torn off in the 160 mph winds. We heard a crash outside, which we later found out was the top of an outdoor brick grill chimney that blew off and landed on their truck. As the storm increased in intensity, I was put in a room and told to sit under the desk for safety reasons. I think they were afraid of me being hurt and being liable for it. But I had no problem obliging. I was scared shitless.
So there I am sitting under this desk, listening to these terrifying noises in the darkness. All I hear is glass breaking, howling wind, and sounds of destruction coming from everywhere. I was holding on to one of my friends Dobermans, who were put in the room with me and were understandably freaking out. And then the house began to flood.
Within an hour, the water was 2 feet high throughout the whole house. I remember seeing my guitar float by me, thinking this shit was pretty crazy. But my stuff was the last thing on my mind. At this point, I was actually starting to get scared for my life.
Until then, I'd never been witness to nature's power. I'd never had my life in danger from any kind of disaster, and I found myself full of respect for nature in ways I'd never experienced. I then began praying to God out of sheer fear. Not "Dear God, give me a PSP for Christmas" type praying, this shit was real. I really thought I was going to die.
The rest of the storm is a blur. I think I blocked it out. I spent the majority of it sitting half submerged in rain water with my eyes closed, hoping it would end soon. The next thing I remember is going outside and seeing the aftermath.
The first thing I realized was that all vertical structures had disappeared. We take for granted when we look out the window that there are trees, telephone poles, power lines, lightposts, etc. When they are all gone, you really notice it. The house across the street was almost totally destroyed. Down the whole block, every third house or so was totaled. Most were ok, but the amount of destruction was surprising.
The house I was in was pretty badly damaged. The garage was collapsed, some of the roof was ripped off, and the whole house was flooded. (Later on, the house was condemend and and the family was forced to live in a trailer for a year while they attempted to rebuild.)
I stayed in Miami for another week. The 100 degree heat and lack of running water were a constant problem, as was looting. People would sit in their yards at night, machete in hand watching out for looters driving by looking for materials they could take and sell.
Every day was strange and bizzare. The Army was everywhere, directing traffic and making sure that noone got out of control. There weren't alot of problems. Seeing machine guns is a good deterrent to civil unrest.
I spent my days helping rebuild their roof, driving to food shelters, and looking for power generators, which were in extreme shortage in the city. Everyone wanted one, and noone had one. We heard that a shipment came in at a Home Depot, and we drove the family's half-broken truck there in hopes of getting one.
The scene there was pandemonium. a few hundred generators arrived, and the crowd waiting was close to a thousand. My friend and I got our hands on one, and had to literally fight for it. I got elbowed in the face, and the next thing I know me and my friend are scrapping with 2 old guys for no reason other than the fact that they wanted what we wanted. It was so strange to fight out of need. These guys weren't angry at us, they just wanted that generator so much they were willing to fight us for it. But we managed to win, and went home with fat lips and a brand new power generator.
Eventually I flew home to New York, grateful to be leaving. I felt bad for my friends who couldn't leave, and all the people who's lives had been so dramatically altered overnight. When I got home, my Mom gave me a glass of coke with ice and I've never had something so good in my life. I sat on the couch, basking in the air conditioning drinking a cold soda, and thought about my life. We have so much comfort living in the western world, and we take it for granted until it's taken away from us. I sympathize with those people affected by Katrina, and I just hope things get better before they gets any worse...
So that's my story. Hope you liked it. Have any of you been in a natural disaster?
Folks, this is honestly the best commercial I've ever seen. There is so much yelling and Japanese madness going on, I thought I was having a panic attack when I saw it. Just watch it, you'll see what I mean. Absolutely banannas.
My friends, this is Eilert. When he isn't too busy being my fucking hero, he's singing and entertaining droves of frenzied Swedish fans with his unique renditions of Elvis songs. By the way, he can't sing at all, and sounds nothing like Elvis. And that is pure genius. He's so good, I might even let him sing alongside Heino at my wedding. Listening to him croon is like having a magical spiked bat bash your face in with radical awesomeness. Don't believe me? Check out his blazing rendition of "In the Ghetto." I get chills listening to it. My face also scrunches up in confusion trying to decide if he's speaking Swedish or English or both. Who cares. All I know is I'd follow him into the bowels of Hell.
My buddy snagged this pic at the state fair, and I couldn't resist sharing it. I wasn't 100% sure if the internet was truly ready for this jelly, but proceeded to post it anyway.
I really hope my RSS feed managed to lure some net-trolling, Destiny's Child perverts here with that post title. That would make my fucking week. God bless you internet, I love you like a fat kid loves cake. To all you dissapointed celebrity skinophiles out there, I apologize insincerely. Technically I'm not lying, though. You wanted to see Beyonce with her junk out, so here she is as naked as the day she was born. This just reminds me how "crazy in love" I am with eating hamburgers and steak. Man do I wish I had Beyonce's email address. If I did, I'd send this to her and say: "Congratulations, Ms. Knowles. You are now so famous, cattle farmers name their fucking livestock after you."
So I just started classes today, and can feel my brain cells filling to the rim with useless knowledge already. I feel alot like this kid. Can anyone figure out what is going on in this picture? I'd like to think it's pumping sweet chocolate directly into his brain. Just look at that expression!
Happy tuesday, everyone...Hope you all had a good weekend..I had a great time with Jay and my sister. Good times. Alas, I couldn't buy a Mogwai, but enjoyed the Mall nonetheless. My sister was nice enough to host us even though she was in the middle of finals, and I thanked her by drinking myself out of sobriety. Laughter ensued.
Upon returning to Corn city, we went to the state fair, and witnessed an amazingly dated ride: The Magnum.
I had to share a picture of the ride, to show you how amazing it is. Amazing because it is a carnival ride based on a television show starring Tom Selleck. Even more amazing is the fact that the TV show is fifteen years old! I was surprised to see people riding it without fear in their eyes.
But who cares about rides when you can sit and look at a glorious airbrushed Selleck montage. I stared at it and let my brain fuzz over, and the theme song slowly came into my brain. I swear I heard T.C.'s helicopter buzzing overhead. I wondered to myself what Higgins is up to these days, and if he still had those ornery Dobermans. I swear he kept them around just to pester Magnum. I think they hated his mustache.
My friend the Unbeatable sent me an awesome movie in the mail. When I opened the package I yelped like a howler monkey. It was Black Belt Jones 2: The Tattoo Connection.
Wow. I'm holding off watching it for the right moment. I really can't wait to see it. Black Belt Jones is one of my favorite films of all time, and this movie has Bolo Yeung in it! Bolo fucking Yeung. One of the greatest Martial arts villains of all time. Sweet. Vic, I'm grateful beyond words.
(fig. A: happy Bolo, puzzled Bolo, angry Bolo)
Lastly, I've noticed some people post music, and I'm always psyched when I can download tracks from my favorite blogs. So from now on, I'll be uploading a few songs on a weekly basis that I've been listening to and hopefully you will like.
Danger Mouse (of Grey Album fame) and MC/producer MF Doom have come together to produce DANGERDOOM: The Mouse and the Mask, an album inspired by Adult Swim, Cartoon Network's popular late-night animation network.
I found two joints off it on some Mp3 blogs, and really dig them. The album isn't dropping until October, so download these and enjoy. (The links only work for a week, but if anyone wants them later on, email me.)
Firstly, this is a track featuring Cee-lo called "Benzi Box." I love the beat. The bass makes my ears feel like bees are making honey in them.
And this is a track featuring GhostFace called "The Mask". Check out the Brak and Zorak cameos at the end..LOL!!
Well i'm off..I'm going on a road trip to Minneapolis with my old friend Jay who came all the way to corn town to see me..We plan on hitting the Mall of America, and visiting my sister...Should be a good time. I went to the MOA many moons ago with Mantis, and had a blast. They have everythingthere. And I mean everything. I know a guy from St. Paul who bought a Mogwai there. Seriously. Only $499. They sell them in the Gremlin District on sub-level 4. For those of you unfamiliar with Minnesota, it's a fabulous cheese-filled state where you can drive 75, everyone sounds like Rose from the Golden Girls, and Jesse "The Body" Ventura (below) is the Governor.
(fig A: Jess Ventura, then and now)
Lord how I miss crazy cokehead Jesse. Only him and Rick James could pull that look off with true finesse. If hair could run for office, those braids would be Governor of the state of Bossachuttsetts.
Farewell blogospherians, I'll catch you on the rebound. But while I'm gone, please ponder this visual zen koan and feel free to discuss amongst yourselves..
Black Metal is the best. Not the music I mean. That's actually pretty shitty. The people who play it are the best. I remember living in Boston and Devo had a copy of Vice that talked about the big dogs of the black metal scene, and how they'd actually kill each other. WTF? Is there no law over in Iceland or wherever these monkeys are from? It's crazy these dudes actually take themselves so damn seriously. And can someone please explain why is it that they're all from Nordic countries? I feel like I'm too nice a guy to be descendant from the same stock as these heathens.
This is a fantastic picture of "Horgh" and "Abbath" from the band Immortal. If they were attempting to look scary and evil, they have failed miserably. They look like someone Lord Humungus from Mad Max 2 would hire to be his lotion boys.
(Fig. A: Lord Humungus lets the metal holler)
That being said, check out these Top Ten Black Metal pics..(Note: some aren't safe for work) And if you haven't seen the first list, check it out here..
Do not leave children unattended in the forest zones. Although they appear to be cute and cuddly, Ewoks are in fact very dangerous animals. They enjoy the taste of human flesh, and have been known to cook Imperial children at their campfire parties in the past. If you happen to encounter a wild Ewok, do not toy with it. Do not give it candy, and do not try to pet it. Many Stormtroopers have perished assuming them to be harmless woodland creatures. Dispose of it quickly with a blaster shot to the head or notify you local Stormtrooper unit. Thank you.
Hello computer, and hello world..I'm up late and figured I'd do a random pointless late night post for the fuck of it. I have a paper due monday that is karate-fighting my neurons and I needed a break. It's my last paper and then I'm done, but for some reason (read: God hates me) it's like pulling teeth trying to finish it...It's like my teacher is Khan and I'm Chekov, and this godamned paper is a ceti eel that crawled into my head and made me a brainwashed imbecile.
Anyway, so just I felt like writing..I'd do the whole stream of consciousness type post that all the cool kids seem to be doing, but I'm afraid I'd channel something weird like the ghost of Mel Torme or Gozer from Ghostbusters..(But for the record, if I did end up channelling Gozer, I hope it would be Gozer the Gozerian, and not the destructor. That destructor chick is bad medicine.)
(Fig A: l to r: Mel Torme, Gozer)
Destructor reminds me of Destro from Gi-Joe. His metal face was terrific. Now that was a cool villain. He was the yin to Cobra Commander's yang. ( does that sound a bit gay?) If they ever make GI Joe the live action movie, I think Seal should play Destro. Why you ask? 1. because he looks exactly like him (see figure below) and 2. the song he'd do for the soundtrack would probably be pretty bizzare.
(Fig. B: Destro + Seal: Separated at Birth?)
Also, check out this logo.. It's like the Hunter S. Thompson "Gonzo" logo remixed Destro style!! (Brogonzo, I thought you dig this one!)
Speaking of Gonzo, check this pic out:
(click here to see full size..trust me its worth it!)
The reason I found this amazing picture is because I had a dream last night that I was the world's greatest breakdancer. You should have seen it. I won the hearts of all my fellow uprockers by showing them the secret art of monkey style. And I had a viking helmet on, and Lee Iacocca was a judge. It was amazing, I wish all of you could have been there..I was #1!
For those illiterates who enjoy my blog, here's a banner summing up the overall theme of my dream..
How boss is that?!?
Speaking of Boss, I refuse to see the new Dukes Of Hazzard flick because Boss Hogg isn't fat. I'm serious. I don't care how hot Jessica Simpson is. No Boss Hogg, no dice. No disrespect to Burt Reynolds, but how can he compete with the original? Just look at him!!
(fig. C: Boss Hogg rocking the "Gas Face")
Almost done..But I got a few more random odds and ends for you..
Speaking of Hogs, this video has got plenty. This is hands down one of the best videos I've seen in a long time. It's basically a ton of hillbilly pics, from mullets to pickup trucks to hunters to bad teeth. All to the sound of "Dueling Banjos" from Deliverance..Plus, how can you go wrong with anything that has this guy in it?
The cyberninjas over at Monkeyfilter wrote my blog up as a link to check out! That site kicks ass, so I am honored. I feel like the president of the internet just gave me a gold star and affixed it to my shiny new blog geek cape..If you could see in my head, it would be smiling and the inside would look like like this:
(I think my brain is sexier than that though..)
Random Album Cover:
Random Yanni Lookalike:
And last, but definetely not least....
Well folks, On that note, this condors gotta fly.. I hope you enjoyed this random blog experiment as much as I did!!! See you Monday!!