Asshole Battle: Hollywood Edition

The time is here. By popular demand we have yet another monumental Asshole battle on our hands. Like our previous battles, today we have one for the record books.

As I scoured the globe for worthy contenders, I decided to go a bit Hollywood this time. I had a hard time choosing which celebs to pick. There really are hundreds of qualified douchebags in the entertainment industry. This time around the competition is getting stiff. In today's battle we have 9 worthy contenders for the asshole crown!

The winner of this and the subsequent battle TBA will advance to the next round where he or she will face the current champion Dick Cheney. Please cast your votes, all friends and lurkers alike. And write-ins are more than acceptable. So without further ado, let the games begin!!! In the name of science, I ask you all...

Granted, humor is objective. But this guy is the fucking worst. He actually managed to make offensive racially provocative humor totally un-funny, which is truly a feat. Not only does he claim to be Mexican and base all his 2 dimensional humor around it, He's actually half German and half Honduran. What a cockbag. I bet Dave Chappelle left Comedy Central just so he wouldn't have to talk to this guy at company picnics.



Another no-brainer. Britney is popping babies out thrice weekly and love handles can't drag himself away from his South Beach 8-ball socials long enough to be a fucking motherfucking dad to his godamned kids. Do you ever get that feeling like life is good and the future is bright? I feel the exact opposite of that everytime I hear that K-Fed is still breathing oxygen on planet Earth. Supposedly his new album is going to be "fire". When I feel fire like that I go to the clinic across the railroad tracks.


Impatient and frequently hysterical, high pitched voice, extreme cowardice. These are the qualities of a true asshole. I wanted to choose a terrorist, and Osama just doesn't make the cut. Like Cobra Commander, all he cares about is taking over the world. But Osama never rocked a rag on his face. Plus he never said things like this:

"I shall be waiting to reward your genius, or to have you beheaded for terminal stupidity! I have spoken."

"Who cares about looks? All I care about is material gain and staying alive!"

"Taking people's money away isn't half as satisfying as making them suffer!"

Bravo, sir. That is true assholery.



Caviezel on the cross, do I even have to give a reason? Mel, what were you thinking? Corky huffing paint thinner would have better judgement.

Anti-semitism = very bad.

Anti-semitism + Hollywood = Astoundingly super retarded.

Who would have thought that his role in "The Man Without a Face" would become a metaphor for his real life. Half nice, half ugly. Just standing next to him is an act of bravery. The Mayan guy in the picture looks like fire ants are crawling into his penis.


These girls can be condensed into one skeletal, mystic-tanned bag of booze, speed, and godless promiscuity. As everyone in Hollywood is on a beeline straight for damnation, these girls get a pass for being unbelievable slut pieces. But what I can't forgive is their recent foray into the world of music. Luckily Paris's album went double teflon this week. Hopefully she got the fucking hint. Stick to porking oil barons, ladies. Unless you form a band called Lindsay and the fire crotches, I continue to withold my support.



A last minute write in, no asshole battle would be proper without Chong motherfuckin Li. (For those who haven't seen Bloodsport, I'm so very sorry.) Not afraid to kill dudes in the ring, Chong Li was a bad guy that all others wished they could be. He fucked up Ogre from Revenge of The Nerds and then rocked his bandana on his leg. That's just wrong. He also threw chinese blinding powder in Van Damne's eyes which is not cool at all. These days I might applaud blinding Van Damne, but back in the day that shit was cold. Bolo young in real life is probably an asshole too, but I don't have any proof of that. All I know is Chong Li sets the bar high for all assholes to follow.


Listen up, princess. Please do us all a favor and climb out of your diamond stroller for a hot second and show the world you actually exist. Nothing is more obnoxious than a no-show Hollywood diva. Maybe you didn't get the memo. As a celebrity, the public officially owns you. Trust me, having devil horns or a cyclops eye or whatever it is you are hiding is far better than the mushroom cloud of rumored gayness that is enveloping your father's career as a result of your reclusiveness. So for the sake of Tom and his spaceman church of delusion, please reveal yourself.



Owns a huge chunk of Fox news. Now he owns Myspace. God help us all. I could bore you with details about why this guy is king of suck, but I don't feel like wading through the internet and I'm sure you all can illuminate me. I just know he's an asshole because the last time I saw that expression it was on the face of John Wayne Gacey when he dressed up like a clown for kids parties. Honestly, Rupert. Don't smile if it hurts to do it.


Speaking of evil Republican clowns, I give you Ann Coulter. If the face of a dust bowl scarecrow doesn't scare you, maybe her forked tongue will:

"If we're so cruel to minorities, why do they keep coming here? Why aren't they sneaking across the Mexican border to make their way to the Taliban?"

Or this whammy:

"The ethic of conservation is the explicit abnegation of man's dominion over the Earth. The lower species are here for our use. God said so: Go forth, be fruitful, multiply, and rape the planet--it's yours. That's our job: drilling, mining and stripping. Sweaters are the anti-Biblical view. Big gas-guzzling cars with phones and CD players and wet bars -- that's the Biblical view."

Good Lord. Someone needs to tranq this bitch and lock her in a cage with the other hyaenas. But I really ought to thank her. She taught me that I was capable of so much more hate than I previously thought possible. Cheers.

So there you have it people..Now get out there and vote!!

Picture Of The Day

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Baris Manco Is Your Daddy

While trolling through the Turkish LP site (linked below) I came across this super fantastic person. Just by looking at these pictures he has been immortalized in the M4H hall of retro bossness alongside such musical legends as Dschinghis Khan, Heino, and Tommy Seebach. Here are 3 reasons why Baris Manco fucking runs shit:

Turkish LP Covers

Besides ripping off American cinema, Turkey has most definetely got the mustache game on lock. Check out this collection of Turkish LP's from the retro years. here are some of my favorites:

Don West Eats Cocaine Sandwiches

Top Gun: A Requiem For Goose

Team Tiger Awesome has created another old timey short ala The Ballad of John McLane paying tribute to the 80's soft gay porn masterpiece Top Gun. My favorite line: "The Iced Man says you're razzamatazzin is dangerfied." So terrific.

Picture Of The Day

When I was a kid I ate change, poured gasoline in my eye, and cut myself open thinking I was bionic inside. That was pretty stupid. This guy wore 121 T-shirts at once. That's stupid squared. Which, give or take a decimal point, equals fucking awesome.

(via J-Walk)

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Yoga Kung Fu

First of all, let it be known that I fucking own in Street Fighter. Besides smoking cigarettes and using profanity it might be the thing I'm best at. All SF players know that if you use Dhalsim you're either wicked good or cheap. Regardless, he's a wicked cool character. This fight scene is what would happen if Dhalsim teleported into a Shaw Brothers flick circa a long fucking time ago.

This video is so cool I dragon punched both my eyes after watching it. No Yoga Flame, but pretty damn badass anyway.

(via transbuddha)

Instant Pollock

World's wackiest weathermen

Walken Clips

Picture Of The Day

This guy is so badass on all fronts. the Erykah Badu-esque head wrap, the mystery arrow quill, the stone grill poker face. But when did orange warriors from the future start driving Ford hatchbacks?

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Master Po

Meet Master Po..Former Romanian garbage eating gypsy child, raised by Koreans and taught the martial arts. Learn his technique. Understand how right leg is like man, left leg is like woman. Watch as Master Po acts out strange domestic scenarios between his legs. Laugh. Feel uncomfortable. Repeat if neccesary.

Solla Solla Enna Perumai

A Call To The Emperor

Check out this spot from Robot Chicken featuring the Emperor..Sounds like Seth McFarlane's work..Funny shit..What the hell is an Aluminum Falcon? ..LOL!

Bush Beat Box

Picture Of The Day

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Shoes

Check out Liam Sullivan's brilliant creation "Shoes". This video already had me when I saw the Tom Skerritt picture on the wall. Or when she calls her brother a shitbag. Or when the giant robot appears. Or the gorrilla. But even sans monkey and/or robot this video would be awesome.

(Thanks Gabe!)

Mexican Simpsons

This made me so uncomfortable I had to share it with you all. Someone in Mexico had a good idea that turned evil when manifested on screen. Imagine the Simpsons directed by Chris Cunningham en Espanol and you begin to get the idea. Homer and Marge have never been so unsettling. Those eyes are guaranteed nightmare fodder.

Disoriented- A Lost Parody

My boys over at Sweatervest have done it again. The crew that brought you Bladin' the Edge have put together an awesome parody of Lost that takes place in Manhattan..Check out "Disoriented"..I admit I don't watch the show, but I hear from everyone it's like crack cigarettes. For those of you that do, you'll really dig this..

Picture Of The Day

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Dizzee Rascal - Dream

Psychic Sketches Ramsey Suspect

Super Mario Parkour

The Parkour ninjas are always worth mentioning. But adding Mario SFX to their ninjaness is truly boss on so many levels. I really wouldn't be surprised if these dudes could shoot fireballs.

Bookmine Stupid Quotes

Japanese B-Boys: Take A Chance

This is the perfect way to start the weekend off. I don't know the backstory on this video, so I'll make one up.

The setting: Post-apocalyptic Tokyo. Thermo-nuclear war has reduced cities to a pre-80's technology based society, with roving bands of color-coordinated gangs ruling over the people with terror. But one crew has come to Tokyo looking to free the people from oppression. A Japanese bobsled team that uses the power of dance and song to take back the streets.

McHummers For Kids

Plane To Plane Jump

In terms of bravery, this man is the exact opposite of me. Watch as he jumps out of a plane..into another plane. Holy crap. Balls much?

Picture Of The Day

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Destro B.I.G.

(Thanks Matty!)

Tiger Temple

Predator Duck Hunt

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Hoff: Crazy For You

As the current Hoff pandemic is spreading across the world like the Bubonic Plague, I felt compelled to share this fantastic "music" video. 1981 Aviators? Check. FroMullet? Check. jewelled eagle jacket? Check. Dog/rollercoaster antics? Check. Really really terrible music? Check. This video has got alot going for it.

Jasper Wong

Back

Off to A-Dam

Ok Go On Treadmills

I just couldn't leave without sharing this video. This is an awesome clip of synchronized treadmill dancing to Ok Go's "Here it Goes Again." Treadmills have officially been elevated from the realm of exercise tourture devices to something pretty awesome. This video is definetely gonna see it's way through a crap load of internet tubes. Amazing.

Picture Of The Day

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Perfect Arkanoid Game

Arkanoid is alot like dancing to me. I love it but kind of suck at it. I totally have nerd envy watching this.

Vintage Ads

Candy Pants

Check out crooner/pimp Lionel Davis sings his masterpiece "Candy Pants" on a public access show.

This video already had me with the fantastic keyboard scarf and high production values. But it gets really weird in the middle when Lionel breaks it down into a series of hillarious/creepy sexually-charged statements. Some that caught my attention:

"Girl, you are so cute and appealing. Every time I look in your eyes I get a strong, strong, sexual feeling."

"I'll make you scream and crawl, scratch the wall.."

"Believe it or not! Girl, I'm willing to go to any length to get what you have got!"

"Candy Pants, you make my heart do a breakdance."

This guy is the king. Either that or borderline sexual predator. Regardless, I'm completely entertained.

Picture Of The Day

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The Little Girl Giant

The Sultan's Elephant is a live art installation created by the Royal de Luxe theatre company. It features giant puppets, and tells the story of a time travelling girl (who just happens to be over 20 feet tall) and a 40 foot robot elephant....Watch this video of the girl giant, and tell me it isn't one of the coolest things you've ever seen....

Oddmusic Instrument Gallery

Check out this wicked cool gallery of experimental instruments...There is some amazing stuff in here..like the thermoacoustically controlled "Fire Organ", the "Nano Guitar" ( a real guitar the size of a single cell), or the "Windform", a 20 ft horn made out of leather, or the amazing 42 string "Pikasso" (below)..

One Beard to Rule Them All

I knew there was a reason I loved the Lord Of The Rings flicks. Undeniable beard power.

Walken SNL Census Skit

Bar invites customers to take a swing

Borat: Full Trailer

Thighmaster posted this today, and I just couldn't resist sharing..My boy Ciaran landed tickets to an advanced screening of this a few weeks back, and chose to invite me. I really don't know how such good karma was bestowed on me to deserve such an amazing honor, but I am so glad I went to see it.

I hadn't thought to write about it until now, mostly because I didn't even know where to begin. (naked man wrestling montage?) but this full preview triggered Borat flashbacks. I shit you not, this is the funniest movie I've ever seen. I know I say crap like that alot, but this time I mean it. I can't wait for November so I can watch it (and cringe at it) again and again and again. Watch it below, or if it's down go HERE.

Punch-Out Vs. E.T.

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Picture Of The Day

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Brian Springer's "Spin"

This is a fascinating documentary by Brian Springer covering the 1992 election via live satellite feeds..Springer bought himself a couple of sattelite dishes, and recorded hundreds of hours of live feeds in between shows for a year. What he ended up capturing was the behind-the-scenes maneuverings of politicians and newscasters, giving a rarely seen glimpse into the spin and manipulation of the messages broadcasted on the air.

This is a complete must see. Highlights include George Bush discussing banned drug Halcyon with Larry King, Al Gore learning how to avoid abortion questions, and Pat Robertson calling a talk show caller a "homo".

I would love to see an updated version of this with some footage of Lizard boy Rove spitting his ear poison into Georgie's ears.

Chinese Hercules

Picture Of The Day

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Indian Traffic Is Crazy

Speaking of India, check out this clip of drivers over there...it makes me nervous just watching it.

Indian Superman

Even though this isn't the version of Indian Superman I've grown to love, it's a damn fine piece of Bollywood perfection. Watch as Superman and Lois(?) fly and sing together all over the stock footage universe. Sure, he looks like Glen Danzig with a thyroid problem. But I'd like to see Bryan Singer try to CGI this kind of awesomeness.

787 Cliparts

Watch this hypnotizing collage of 787 clip arts morph a lady with a tennis racket into yoga masters, sumo wrestlers, monkey trainers, and more. The more I watch this, the more I see how amazing it is.

Pen Light Animated Gifs

Polysics- I My Me Mine