Thursday, April 19, 2007

Dolphins Are Suspect


Fuck Dolphins. Yes, I said it. I know they are super smart, can diffuse bombs, speak with sonar to each other, fight evil, and save babies from Tsunamis. I know they shoot lasers, do Sudoku, and play chess. I heard all that. Good for them. If they wore clothes I'd pin a medal on their slimy fish chests. That's all well and good. But it doesn't mean I have to like them.

I used to like them. I used to think they were like underwater fish robots that ruled the ocean with their advanced intelligence. Then I got up close to them and got a chance to gaze into their beady little eyes and see the truth: They are godless creatures from the hellish deeps.

It all started when my Dad and I went swimming with them back in the day in the Florida Keys. I thought it would be cool, but somehow it ended up terrifying me. I started panicking once I jumped into the water.

First of all, they are fucking huge. Huge and fast. They are fucking fast as ninjas. I felt like one could jump out of the water and bite my face off so quickly that no one could do anything about it. I felt defenseless. Swimming with 9 foot monsters cruising around your feet is totally unsettling.

Long story short, we got to hold hoops for them to jump through, and did a bunch of other cool crap I was too scared to enjoy. But what happened at the end is main the reason I don't trust them and never ever will again.

At the end, the trainers had my father and I get up on the dock and get on one knee for a "fun surprise" photo op. They asked us to lean over the water and the Dolphins would jump up and "kiss" us for the benefit of the camera.

My father did it, picture was taken, no harm done. All the trainers clapped, and my Dad told me to do it, it was "fun".

Then it was my turn. Now at this point I was already on the fence about these bastards. I had looked into their eyes and seen nothing but cold and calculated evil. So I didn't lean over enough.

Then the Dolphin jumped. And because I wasn't close enough, it punched me. Right in the motherfucking face.

Holding my sore jaw I vowed to never trust them again. And I never have.

So my friends, if you know what is good for you, stay out of the water. Dolphins are suspect. You heard it here first.

(pic via myconfinedspace)

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