Sunday, November 11, 2007



Yes monkeys, I have writers block. (shout outs to Unbeatable and Ms. Q..this blog would be Patrick Swayze in Ghost if it wasn't for you these past weeks).Writer's block is funny. Especially because I usually say almost nothing. So I figured I'd write the blockage away by attempting this experiment in stream of consciousness. Don't worry, this blog won't become a sounding board for my face-punchingly boring existence. Just think of it like a poorly executed stand-up routine with no good jokes or awesome puppets. The only puppet is me.

So here are some things I thought of recently:

I think the dark Side of the moon is up to something sinister.

Sometimes I thank God that the hacky sack is no longer popular.

Call me a fat dreamer, but someone should have a stand where they sell McDonald's fries and Burger King's burgers.

Osama Bin Laden is like a baby pigeon. You know he's out there, but you sure as hell can't find him. Also, pigeons hate America.

Question: What do Goths do on Halloween? I bet whatever they do, they pout while doing it.

Mickey Rooney is still alive and that is fucking insane.

Historical figure who I wish I could have a fist fight with: Thomas Edison. He invented electricity, which is the thing that powers my 24-hour a day air condioning habit, which is the reason I pay a small fortune for power. So I hold a huge grudge against him. Screw you, Edison. Any time, any place, you old dead bastard.

I met a stutterer the other day and subconsciously began to stutter in response to his stutteringness. I bet God thinks I'm an asshole.

Speaking of assholes, doesn't Eva Longoria look like a Gelfling from The Dark Crystal? That movie scared the shit out of me as a child. I also thought I was a robot and ate pennies, so that isn't saying much.

This is how to properly shake hands:


This is a haircut that could overthrow evil regimes:


which would look fabulous with colorful stretch terry coordinates:


This is how to punch a snake:


This is how not to make a cake:


This is why politicians are fake:


And this my friends, is the Fatman and Jake.

Any questions?