Many moons ago, I became slightly obsessed with the Black Metal scene in Scandanavia, Northern Europe, and anywhere else white people can get together, do speed, wear corny stage makeup, and make terrible music. While I've got nothing specific against Christianity OR Norway, and though I absolutely can't STAND the music itself (makes Slayer sound like the Wiggles), the press releases and promotional copy these bands/labels churn out is pure comedy gold, as exemplified by the earnest (and unintentionally hilarious) copy posted on http://www.blackmetal.com/. After all, when pure evil is your BASELINE, it's awfully hard to differentiate your product in a decidedly saturated market, so monikers must be over the top, song titles should disturb and offend, and cover art ideally triggers your gag reflex. Hopefully this will be the first installment of my weekly feature examining some of my favorite unintentionally hilarious black metal releases:
The new THUS DEFILED disk, "Daemonspawn," which is reviewed thusly: "Sakis of ROTTING CHRIST provides guest-vocals on track 2!" That Rotting Christ cameo will ensure thousands of extra spins on the radio, and maybe a diamond encrusted platinum inverted Jesus piece in the Hype Williams-directed video...
Hot off the presses it's the new LUFTWAFFE RAID joint, described as: "Satanic NSBM-oriented thrashing darkness and chaotic atmosphere featuring MOAT mastermind Warharan, with GODLESS / ex-LETHAL PRAYER drummer...According to Warharan, Luftwaffe Raid is not a band with NS ideology." (so they're NSBM oriented, but do not have a NS ideology. mmmmkay....)
In case that crap is too "unicorns and rainbows" for you, may I offer you the newest charmer from EVISCERATED, entitled "Gorging On Rotted Entrails": "Blood, gore, death, rape obsessed brutal Death Metal from San Antonio, Texas." Some song titles included on this fine release include "Suicide by Self Disembowelment," "Severed Foot F*ck Fetish," "Fetal Consumption," "Toilet Bowl Bowels," and my personal favorite "Penetrating of the Rotting Orifice" (I'm assuming this would be the radio-friendly ballad).
Finally, I give you HELLGOAT/LEGIONS OF ASTAROTH, a breezy release off of the Deathgasm/Vile Art record label (these guys will be DOMINATING the ringtone market in no time, mark my words!). Here's how this Seacrest-approved hit factory is described on their new split release "Moonlight Ritual/The Moon Bleeds Red Upon the Earth": "Hate-filled. Misanthropic. Occult. Evil. All adjectives probably well-overused to describe Black Metal… but damned if I could come up with anything better to describe this offering from [both of] these USBM terrorist cells." It's really too bad I've already gotten married, because I would have a hard time deciding which song to use for the traditional first dance: "Turning the Skies Black with Nauseating Rage" or "Absence of Self in Vile Chaos"? You can see my dilemma...
(Thanks to blackmetal.com for the hours of fun, head over to check out some of the streaming samples they offer, and maybe in exchange for your web traffic they won't put a hex on me, murder me, boil my brains in a stew and make a necklace out of my vertebrae, like Ohlin and Aarseth).
UPDATE: Lodi points out that a blog post on pure evil isn't complete without at least one Dick Cheney reference/image. To give him more of a black metal flavor, I've found an image that combines uncut nerdery with pure evil to give you Dick Cheney as a Skeksi: