Monday, March 16, 2009

Sipping on Haterade: a brief but profanity-laden essay detailing why I hate the Subway.


I'm not a morning person. I fucking hate trains, uber-hate crowds, and double-plus ultra hate closed spaces. So you can imagine how pleasant I am on a packed subway car at 8:45 on a rainy Monday.

The truth is I'm pissed before I even get on it. I guess I'm old fashioned. I've never been a big fan of high-pitched metallic screeching type sounds. Maybe it's a generational thing. I don't know. I'm not a scientist. But when that lumbering train awkwardly slides into its loud, squealing halt in front of me, time after time I often wonder, did we lose a war recently? I know we're technically in a war and it totally sucks, but we didn't actually lose one, right? It's 2009. The future. C'mon, NY. Fork over some of that Bloomberg money and get us some of those fancy Japanese-style trains. They even have subway masks there. (Fact: Did you know that the Japanese train system of Japan is powered exclusively by the power of Laser Power? Google it.)

But seriously. New trains, please. Maybe something quiet, and relaxing? Things millions of people spend a substantial chunk of their day in shouldn't feel like a Quaalude hayride and definitely shouldn't sound like a cat baseball game between Cylons and Vampire bats.

I hear it now. That high-pitched Hellsong. Getting closer. The sounds of my inevitable misery fast approaching. All aboard. Next stop, panic attack.

When those car doors open all I see is a wall of frowns coming at me. A blue and Grey flurry of leather briefcases, crinkly newspapers, and blackberries. I smell cigarettes and cologne. It's gross. I tell the guy next to me that I'm dissapointed in him with my mind thoughts. I notice that the speaker that the train guy talks out of is humming ominously. It sounds like a growling robot.

I make an executive decision to keep my sunglasses on. Yes. I look like a douche bag. I don't care. I need them. They allow me to spend my 35 minutes of misery doing what I enjoy most in the morning: Rolling my eyes and sending invisible hate beams in the direction of those I hate. Specifically..

Anyone engaging in any form or variation of what can be considered Ipod dancing.

2: Those clever little Cosby sweater type dude he guy who thinks he's a Sommelier for microbrews, plays bass or DJ's in 4 bands, and definitely would have sex with Brooklyn if Brooklyn somehow transformed itself
into a artsy Japanese girl.

3: Blissed-out passengers that whisper-sing Dave Matthews violin solos. Fuck the fuck off. Go by another scarf and choke yourself with it, you horrible, horrible, person.

4: Air drummers. WTF? What's the functionality and purpose of air drumming a Rush solo at 9 in the morning? God help you.

5: Yawners, moaners, T-Mobile walkie-talkie people, and any and all that engage in repetitive motions, excessive paper folding, sneezing, chewing, coffee slurping, etc. you know what I'm talking about. To the dude grossing me out in the seat across from me: Eat your Everything Bagel like a ninja, not a Golden Reteriver, barbarian. Shut the fuck up already.

Wow, I'm kind of a dick, huh? Oh well. (PS: Don't call me a dick.)

I also make sure to save a certain "emergency reserve" of negative energy for others like me. There's always one other asshole besides me on the train. I usually spot them. But sometimes I get caught giving them the evil eye, which naturally prompts a justified counterattack of sighing, muttering, and scornful body gesturing back at me.

Well played, Mr. Asshole. But I don't fight back. I just keep an eye on them. Real bad boys move in silence.

By the way, if you ever encounter an asshole showdown on the train, whatever you do, don't even think about rolling your eyes back. The double eye-roll is the first stage of the dreaded passive-aggressive feedback chain, a highly dangerous
scenario that left unchecked is capable of transforming everyone located in the immediate vicinity of exposure into an instant asshole. And too many assholes doesn't do anyone any good.

The kid standing in front of me is wearing a massive fucking book bag. It's so big I'm giving me anxiety. I know that the train is going to stop short, and my over-burdened friend is too distracted Twittering the morning commute to notice that his Peruvian pack mule-sized rucksack is about to crash into my kidneys, battering my weekend-weary hull like a zippered pendulum of suckitude. Pointy umbrellas and plastic shopping bags swing precariously,
seemingly bending themselves towards me, like the One Ring trying to get back to Sauron. The utter annihilation of my personal space is methodical and systematic. They're like Panzer fucking tanks, these people. Invading my aura like I have asshole magnets sewn into the lining of my winter jacket. (*And judging by the surprisingly sharp elbow of the purse-rummaging Chinese lady sitting to my left, I'm also very pokeable. So I got that going for me too.)

I for one applaud them. If you think about it, a coordinated offensive move from all angles is the best way to disarm your enemy. I'm convinced they synchronize watches and discuss attack strategy during their pre-commute Starbucks gatherings. It makes sense. How else do you explain how a bunch of strangers somehow manage to successfully annoy and offend me simultaneously day after day? I don't know. Or Maybe God just hates me more than he hates everyone else.

They're really brilliant at it, actually. Like a pack of carefully trained Ronin warriors hunting the angry Grizzly Bear that lives in the woods on the outskirts of the village.

(Fact: Like bears, I too also enjoy stealing freshly-baked pies off of windowsills. I also take pleasure in making small children cry. Bear style! Booyah. Life is really all about the small things.)

Anyway, I'm done. I feel like I needed to blog that out before I face another week crawling inside that squealing, hellish iron horse of death. Thanks for tolerating the Whingebag I temporarily became for this post. In return for your tolerance, I present you with this tremendous picture:


I thought it was appropriate because that is the exact face I make at people when on the subway. And I love lightning, rabbits cats, and birds..but only in that order.

(pictures via FFFound!)

1 comment:

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