Friday, February 04, 2011

Mortal Kombat 7: Amber Alert

NBC's "To Catch a Predator" is TV that makes a difference. Thank you, Chris Hansen. America's pedophiles are on the run. It's nice to see television making the world a better place.

That being said, this does make it harder to track these guys down. Sure it's easy enough to wrangle up baby-petters in some armpit swamp town in Central Florida. But now these guys have taken refuge in the Underworld. Those cops are going to need more than pepper spray to get past Shang Tsung. Why, you ask? Because, he's a motherfucking
shapeshifter. Who absorbs the souls of his enemies in order to maintain his god-like powers and immortality. Good luck, officers.

In related news, the annual fighting tournaments Mr. Tsung sponsors have caused quite a stir in the Martial Arts community as of late. Some contestants say that the event is tied to a string of mysterious deaths in the area. Shang Tsung's personal secretary and life coach Jonas Raiden told reporters that Mr. Tsung is in full and total cooperation with authorities. As of press time, Mr. Raiden couldn't be reached for further comment, as he was "too busy being awesome and shooting people with lightning bolts that fly out of my god-damned hands".