Friday, January 08, 2010

Smoke Um

I had this wild dream the other night.

I was working some crap 9 to 5 job on the Death Star. I'm not really sure what I was doing but I'm pretty sure that it wasn't a plush, paper-pushing, approving prisoner transfer type deal. More likely, I was one of those miserable creatures forced to mop the gigantic laser hole - a line of work which has to be hands down the worst job on the entire Death Star. To add insult to injury, those guys have to wear black safety helmets as if safety means a damn thing when you're desperately clinging to the wall every five minutes to keep your balls from getting ripped off by a GIANT PLANET CRUSHING LASER BEAM.

Anyway, I'm turning some Death Star corridor and I stumble across Darth Vader standing over the smoldering remains of Luke Skywalker.

Me (to myself): Ummm. This is awkward.

Vader: Oh excuse me. I was just reveling in the moment.

Me: Yeah... it's just that this is the only place on this space station the size of a small moon that I can smoke and not have to dodge giant laser blasts.

Vader: I hear you, buddy. I mean, how many people do I have to force choke before they give the whole Smoke Free Star Destroyer thing up? Seriously, second hand smoke is no match for the power of the dark side. (Vader brushes his cape aside to reveal that he has a pack rolled up in his sleeve. (He offers me one): Here you go. This pack had a spare.

Me: Thanks... Damn. I left my lighter back in my "quote" office.

Vader: You can use mine. (He lights his cig off of his light saber before handing the weapon to me).

Me: Awesome. I'm surprised that you're still smoking what with that breathing thing and all.

Vader: Some doctor once tried to get me to stop.

Me: Did you give him the old force choke?

Vader: Nah. That shit doesn't work on robots. I gave him some bzzzzzzw bzzzw (Vader does a terrible imitation of the light saber noise while he mimes like he's cutting someone in half).

Me: Nice. Well, I better get back to whatever it is I do. Thanks again for the cig. You're a pretty stand up guy for a Sith Lord.

Vader: You caught me on a good day (he points at Luke's dead body.)

1 comment:

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