Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
The Hoff! That's what!
But, wait a second. Now, that I take a second look at that picture, something seems wrong. The Hoff isn't outside, he's inside. He's inside my house holding a creepy candle, smiling a creepier smile, staring at me outside shivering in the cold, and taunting me with my own presents. The Hoff and his Harry Potter scarf have stolen my identity!
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Contestant #1: This fucking guy
Only those who have attained rank of supreme master of darkness can render that grimace without their face caving in from the power of its evil..and this guy can. Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face and got an apology, yells slurs at babies, and parks in the handicapped spots at the mall. He also can set fires with his mind, which he frequently uses to start forest fires. The idea of displacing all those innocent woodland creatures excites him.
But what he does best is wield the power of the awkward smile. Look at that face. His expression could easily be viewed as a scream of murderous rage. What a fucking psycho. He looks like he's choking a puppy off camera.
Last but not least, we have this clown. The grand master of the awkward smile, he is my pick for the one to beat. He looks like he's just been told a joke in a language he doesn't understand but laughs anyway to not feel uncomfortable. How do you even begin to make a face like that. It's as if he learned to smile by looking at pictures of dead people. It's not human like. It's like the face an animal makes when you put a hat on it and take its picture. I bet he was raised by wild dogs.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
What I wanted to talk about was sucking. Now as I am to math, the gentleman you are about to see is to the martial arts. I went to a karate birthday party when I was like 11 and I wasn't this bad. He fucking sucks. He really couldn't be more unbelievably awful at breaking boards. And the reason I think that this is truly genius television is because we might be witnessing the single most embarrassing moment of his entire life. Watch and see.
But in the end, you really can't help but admire his dedication. This guy gets an A for effort. I can just see him cruising in his Mom's Ford Taurus with his homeboys rocking his superfresh mixptapes till the speakers distort. Besides his daily regiment of Madonna and Bon Jovi, he also enjoys Europe's "The Final Countdown", "Push It To The Limit" from Scarface, "You're The Best Around" from Karate Kid, and the smoking techno soundtrack of Mortal Kombat: the movie. It takes powerful songs to get him pumped up to go to karatetown. But let's not kid ourselves. In order to walk along the razor's edge, you can't look down. You just gotta keep your head..or you'll be finished.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Dark Roasted Blend has got a wicked collection of retro futuristic art you gotta check out. After looking at them, here are some basic rules I gleaned for predicting the future circa 1950-70's:
1: Communists are still up to no good. The only difference: their evil is much more futuristic.
2: In the future, everything is made of lasers or Nerf.
3: If not metallic and shiny, all colors in the future look like the aftermath of a massive explosion at Jim Henson's workshop.
4: People of the future have a total boner for the Moon.
And I love the fact that so many visions of the future are so amazingly inaccurate. while clicking through the pics, I found this totally boss 1979 imagineering of the "living room of the future":
Incidentally, I want every thing that guy has in his living room for Christmas, including the stupid-fresh Mork meets B-Boy unisuit he's rocking. So Jive.
Check out the whole collection..and definitely make sure you troll the year 2000 flickr pool..
(click pic for more retro-futurism!)
And check out Part 2 HERE..
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Here's a neat fact: the wonder sauna pants also can be used as an extremely dangerous flotation device for the pool. Perfect for killing yourself and still making sure that your legs get nice and tan.
(via the ODK)
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Talking to Mantis the other night, I was reminded of this theory I have that Osama Bin Laden is the greatest rapper alive. Think about it. He has all the characteristic of a rap superstar. When he drops a verse, everyone stands at attention. When he puts out a new tape the world goes crazy. And while staying underground, he still manages to represent on a global stage. He's like the Jay-Z of terrorism. Allow me to explain:
Reason #1: The video is strictly gangster
Nothing says "quality" like a fresh Al-Qaeda video. He doesn't need boobs, bottles, or Bentleys. He doesn't even need good production values or decent lighting. His videos are filmed in a cave with a fucking Ak-47 in the background. That's a 6.9 on the superthug scale. He also rocks camo which does wonders for his street cred.
Reason #2: He keeps is underground
Rappers these days are all about keeping things certain ways. They talk about keeping it street, they keep it hood, keep it gangsta, keep it fresh, keep it gully, and of course, keep it underground. Well Osama has got to be the most underground rapper of all time. He's so underground he's actually inside the ground. He lives in caves that US spy planes and satellites can't even see. No rapper has ever kept it so real.
Reason #3: His crew get their props as well
Every proper rap superstar has a crew of sub-par mc's surrounding them. So naturally when Osama gives them their props, immediate notoriety soon follows. Take for example, Zarqawi. One mention of him by OBL and Zarqawi is on the map. He starts putting out his own tapes, next thing you know he's the biggest buzz in Iraq. Not unlike the great Dr. Dre and his numerous proteges, Bin Laden always has love for his crew.
(fig. A: Osama's click. Note: rocking guns in your video is so hot right now.)
Reason #5: All he needs is one mic
We can all admit this guy spits fire. Jihadtastic verses. A true MC should be able to freestyle at the drop of a hat. Osama can surely freestyle. But unlike some other MC's, Osama doesn't even need a beat. He spits acapella on every one his tapes. That's skills pure and simple.
Reason #6: Braggadocio:
MC's brag, it's part of the art of rap. Al-Qaeda claims responsibility for all kinds of things, and when they aren't busy bragging about all the ill shit they've done they talk smack to everybody. That's battle rap.
Reason #7: Beef
Forget East Coast vs. West Coast. OBL has beef with The entire Western world. That's alot of diss tracks he's got to write. Think of George Bush as Ja Rule and Osama as 50 Cent and you get the gist of it.
Reason #8: hoes in different area codes
Clearly the ladies love him. He's reported to have married five women and divorced two. They don't call him Osama baby mama drama for nothing.
Reason #9: He's an entrepreneur:
Not only does he raps, he produces as well. Not many know he is a seasoned keyboard player and has played along side some of the legends of rock and pop over the years. Soon to come on the horizon: Vitamin water, clothing line, and ringtones.
Really. Just absurd.
This list has some awesome gifts that might inspire you. Check out the hip flask bible, perfect for any God hating boozebag you know and love. My favorite is biker Jesus. (And the other models in the Christ action series are simply fantastic. ) But honestly, is there really any sexier way to mock the heavens than by wearing a thong of praise?
(click pic for more!)
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Why is it so damn entertaining to watch the head shaking disgust of these babies? Whatever the reason, it's even more amusing to think that these kids parents get a kick out of it too. If I had a kid, I'd definitely make him eat lemons for every house guest and family friend that came by. One stupendous whammy face, coming up.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
So, what happens when Chinese pimps try to keep it real? Is it easy or hard? Luckily, I stumbled onto this documentary which answered this question and so much more.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
In the heady days of the 80's, fashion designers used colors that have never been used before or since. These days, one rarely sees clothing so majestically displays sock or the location of the knees. Another temporal phenomenon unique to that time was the singular excitement that girls got from "sporting" a side pony tail. Hey, everyone! My head is disturbingly asymetric!
Monday, November 12, 2007
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Yes monkeys, I have writers block. (shout outs to Unbeatable and Ms. Q..this blog would be Patrick Swayze in Ghost if it wasn't for you these past weeks).Writer's block is funny. Especially because I usually say almost nothing. So I figured I'd write the blockage away by attempting this experiment in stream of consciousness. Don't worry, this blog won't become a sounding board for my face-punchingly boring existence. Just think of it like a poorly executed stand-up routine with no good jokes or awesome puppets. The only puppet is me.
So here are some things I thought of recently:
I think the dark Side of the moon is up to something sinister.
Sometimes I thank God that the hacky sack is no longer popular.
Call me a fat dreamer, but someone should have a stand where they sell McDonald's fries and Burger King's burgers.
Osama Bin Laden is like a baby pigeon. You know he's out there, but you sure as hell can't find him. Also, pigeons hate America.
Question: What do Goths do on Halloween? I bet whatever they do, they pout while doing it.
Mickey Rooney is still alive and that is fucking insane.
Historical figure who I wish I could have a fist fight with: Thomas Edison. He invented electricity, which is the thing that powers my 24-hour a day air condioning habit, which is the reason I pay a small fortune for power. So I hold a huge grudge against him. Screw you, Edison. Any time, any place, you old dead bastard.
I met a stutterer the other day and subconsciously began to stutter in response to his stutteringness. I bet God thinks I'm an asshole.
Speaking of assholes, doesn't Eva Longoria look like a Gelfling from The Dark Crystal? That movie scared the shit out of me as a child. I also thought I was a robot and ate pennies, so that isn't saying much.
This is why politicians are fake:
And this my friends, is the Fatman and Jake.
Friday, November 09, 2007
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
She's wasting her family's inheritance merely by advertising that she's wasting their inheritance. Your keen sense of irony is not lost on me, ma'am. I salute you.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
They had me at moo. I also like how the employees at this Meat-a-tarium don't pay any attention to what they're doing.
WAVE FOR CATFISH!!!
Friday, November 02, 2007
It's a hot item for people who're looking for some sweet afterlife nerd props or who take comfort in the knowledge that younger family members will feel pretty damn awkward attending their open casket funeral. Furthermore, I think that we, as a people, should promote more activities like this one in the hopes of confusing the shit out of the archaeologists of the future.
(via boing boing and eternal image)
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Another train ride. Another faceless arm touching your arse through the crowd. Never mind everybody else - what is so urgent for you at home that you work 14hr days only to rush home in a frenzy and add to the disgruntled public transport statistic? This bastardised government won't listen to you. Nor will the next. Delayed supply for the rising demand.
The elderly couple who just wanted to ride into Circular Quay for a quiet meal are being jostled and have no option but to hover dangerously close to an infected metal handrail in the middle because they're afraid to venture to either of the split compartments. They hold hands not just because they're in love, but because we are terrifying. white/black/yellow - we are their terrorists. We, in our hoarding "Noughties" OMGWTFBBQ mental-masturbating bubbles, decide whether we will part the Tangara Sea, allowing them to alight at their destination or not. That sort of power is dangerous, yoyoma!
Preggo looking nauseous, bent over backwards while her unborn kicks blissfully and unknowingly into her bladder. Be kind or she'll kick your face off. She has absolutely every right to if she is standing in a train carriage full of able-bodied people. She is far more valuable than any of us, and deserves respect.
The rest. Them. You. Raising your iPods to the sky in a cement tunnel is ridiculous - technology may be fast, but no iPod needs coverage. If they do and I'm unaware, then your iPod is lame for not working in a cement tunnel - get a refund, you Muppet. Listening to it at maximum volume doesn't make you cool, it just annoys the hell out of us. To those that sing along - quit it. To those that speak loudly on their mobiles - quit it. To those men and women who swear obnoxiously - quit it.
Swearing is uncouth, base, and unattractive. shitfuckballsackvaginacuntcuntmotherfuckingcunt.
Gravity-defying hair with thanks to hair product = 2001.
BRING BACK PERT 2-in-1 THEN LET THE ELEMENTS HAVE AT IT!
The cutest photos we all have are from early primary school,
when we didn't know what "hair product" was. Coincidence?
People remember shitty hair.
Who am I? I'm one of Them. I'm just like you. Wait. I dress better. /joke/
Back to basics. Drop the ego. Work back some karma. Manners. Common sense. Common decency. Respect. When was the last time you did your one (1) selfless good deed for the day? (Re?)Start. It's good for the soul.
Your possessions do not make you.
You are part of the problem. You spend each and every day enduring, existing, entropic. You bitch and moan about everything around you when you can flip it and pull yourself out of this shit. Nobody promised you sunshine and farts without you having to work for it.
We all are, Mate.
Change what you do or keep letting what you do change you.
PASS IT ON
PASS IT ON
PASS IT ON
(dropped over several train lines - no suitcase? no bomb!)
Monday, October 29, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Note: make sure you wait for the victory dance at the end. I almost fucking cried.
This video is also a powerful commentary on the sociology of the innocent bystander effect. Notice Ace's neighbors who watch him get a flamboyant pummeling and do absolutely nothing. What a cruel world.