Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Last Minute Monkeys

What better way to end 2008 than by watching chimpanzees in wigs and mustaches pretending to be secret agents. Enjoy Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp. Happy New Year! See you in '09!!!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

M4h Year End Blog Blow Out


The year is almost over. Pretty soon it will be 2009.

Great Caesar's ghost.

I'm so fucking old.

2009. That sounds like the future, and I like it. We may not have flying cars or personal robots like the movies promised us, but I'm still super psyched.

So much crazy shit went down over the last 12 months. The biggest news this year? We have a potentially awesome new president people don't want to throw shoes at.


B'rack the fuck up, people. Obeezy is in the house.

Fucking right, USA. You elected a man that can form complete sentences without embarrassing millions of intelligent Americans. And un
like his predecessor, he doesn't sound like Yosemite Sam by way of Down Syndrome. Bonus. He actually sounds smart. It's kind of surreal. Good on you, America. You get the gold star.


It's going to be pretty fucking weird not having a simpleton as our leader. I honestly got used to the idea that an extremely dangerous, yet surprisingly dim cattle rustler/rodeo clown caricature was our spokesperson to the world. It's weird he's finally leaving.

It feels like someone killed the bully in the school yard that's been stealing my lunch money for the last 8 years, only the bully was a quarter retarded.

What else happened? Oh yeah, OJ got bagged.


I don't really know the details of why he's going to jail, and I don't care. All I know is back in the day he literally got away with murder, and somehow has managed to fuck it all up. Orenthal. For Christ's sake. Out of all the things you could have chosen to ruin. How in the hell do you screw that pooch? That takes a perfect combination of advanced-level stupidity and truly horrible Karma. A fitting end to a ridiculous American saga.


What else? Britney went crazy, and then somehow got her shit together. Celebrities divorced the crap out of each other all year long. Lindsay went from being a crackhead to being gay, to being not-gay, then back to gay, then to gay-crackhead, and bounced back and forth until being gay and a being a crackhead suddenly became really cool.

Yet even with all the tumultuous drama going on in her life, she still maintained her robot face perfectly.


But Linsday was a fucking Mormon compared to Amy Winehouse, who in 2008 began to strongly resemble Mumra The Ever-Living.


(fig. a: Ms. Winehouse,

What else? Everyone got an iPhone except me. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. I want to glass that kid from the Verizon ads inside his smugly little face. Heath Ledger brought the ruckus in Dark Knight, then died, which sucked more than a lot. The U.S. economy totally pooped the bed. Gas prices went down (dope), cigarette prices went up (not dope). And for the 6th consecutive year, Iraq held on to the title of all-time biggest clusterfuck war in the history of fucking forever.


I really hope the world isn't ending. But if it is, I know the perfect guys to play the Horsemen of the Apocalypse


Gross. It's like a technicolor waterfall of business casual serial killers.

So what else? A bunch of good shit happened, too.
I grew my hair out to Viking warrior length. I saw a totally boss Chuck Norris flick called "The Octagon". Horse-face Michael Phelps won 157 medals in the Olympics. Science uncovered the secret of yawns, and finally discovered the life-saving properties of the Bee Gee's "Staying Alive." And lots of cool paranormal happenings popped off all around the globe, which I absolutely love. It was a year full of milestones.

So this year, as in the past, I hope to do a great many things. Whether I actually will or not is irrelevant. But I figure if I send positive thoughts into the Universe I'll at least land a couple of these. For instance..


I must to learn to embrace technology.


Maybe get someone in Hollywood to buy my damn script.


See more live music.


Get down with my bad self.


Tackle the unknown.


Laugh at Republicans


Learn my history.




Cut back on the sweets.


Encourage women to start rocking jump suits again.


And find true love.


(then immediately challenge her to a B-boy battle.)

But in order to do that, I'll need to master a proper look.

I'll s
tart with a healthy dose of this guy...


mix it with a shitload of this awesome person..


Throw in a pinch of these champions..


maybe add just a smidgen of the Prince for style bonus..


and complete myself with a dash of this dudebro.


(not too much, lest I spontaneously combust from denim magnificence. )

Well that's it for me in 2008. See you next year! Thanks for reading, and a Happy New Years to all of you!!

(pics via plaid stallions, thighs wide shut, yayhooray)

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

In case you were wondering..

..about the mysterious origins of the fat guy who will be breaking into your house and pulling a reverse robbery tomorrow, here is his family tree, courtesy of artist Jeffrey Vallance. Merry Christmas!

Holiday Gift Guide

Want to give someone the weakest Christmas present in the history of mankind? Well good news: it's as simple as Keanu Reaves. Merely loop the following video for an hour and a half, burn to DVD, wrap and place delicately under your Christmas tree. Then stay up all night gleefully imagining the look of horror on the recipients face as they open the Christmas Pandora's box you've created.

For added bonus awful, add DVD commentary that consists of you doing your best LTCG impersonation and add some of his stand up routines as special features. Seriously though, much love to LTCG.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Holiday Spirit

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Today I realized I'm starting to catch the Christmas bug. In other words, I'm totally gay for Christmas. I fucking love the holidays. I love all of them, not just the ones I celebrate. I love the idea of holidays. The idea that certain days of the year are designated by tradition and the powers-that-be as " everybody just chill the fuck out" days is simply brilliant.

When Obama takes office, the best thing he could do for this country is to declare a second winter holiday. Just a few days tucked into the tail end of February somewhere. Call it Obamicus. The people will love him for it.

I forget how much I love holidays during the mundane months. These days the presents are more boring. But the sad truth is I'm 31 years old and I really do need socks. Naturally the other items on my wish list are all equally tepid, practical things that also exist on the "socks-level" plane of excitement and wonder. Represent. Old man style.

Yet somehow getting older doesn't dull my excitement. I may be older and wiser, but inside of me a hyperactive annoying kid geeked on pixie sticks and fruitless hope is slowly trying to claw his way out.

I still shred the wrapping paper on my presents like a coked up wolverine. Can't get enough of it.

Christmas. I fucking love you.

So I was trolling the picture archive, and pulled out all my favorite holiday pics from past years. Check these out:

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Friday, December 19, 2008

Can I Kick It?

I have no idea what's happening in this video as I find myself incapable of paying attention to what this guy is saying while the swivel hips and short shorts crew does their bogey wogey thing. I wish that hypnotic dancing had something to do with soccer. The game would be three times as fun as it already is. Like, if a goal scored while doing this dance was worth two points or something.

(via boingboing)

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Toon B-Boy Battle

This clip from Jonathan Ng has been around for awhile but is so eye bleedingly sweet I thought it deserved a dip into the vault. Better than eating ice cream on a paid vacation.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Super Broker Shuffle

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I had been without proper internet inspiration for a few days, but then I saw this masterpiece of future interweb nerd fan obsession. It seems to be some unbelievably awkward rap-type video devised by the Southern Food Brokerage (a group of really, really white people) for the purpose of selling syrup and some other crap I can't remember. Four words: Old white people rapping. Top notch entertainment. My favorite part is how every single one of them falls completely off the beat. And as a special bonus, they all do the same exact dance my Mom does when she pretends to rap or DJ. Love these people. I wonder if they won.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

1,500 Posts!


Kick fucking ass! Thanks to all of you for reading M4H over the years!

It's Go Time, Motherf*ckuers!

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This mashup of 40 motivational speeches from famous movies made me want to jump out of my chair, scream "Freedom!", crane kick a Californian teenager, dance with Ewoks, and high five Jesus on the cross. Great way to get fired up for the weekend.

(via Filmdrunk)

Synopsis with Style

Some days, the internet is like a blessed rain of awesome on the drought wracked crops of pop culture.

Honestly, this is better than the original movie. I would not want to go up against this guy in an imdb plot summary battle.

(via neatorama and nerdcore produced by DJ Mayhem with MC Mouthmaster Murf)

Jules Plays Guess Who

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Still Roffling.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Night Dog

For those who don't know, let me introduce you to the toothless sage of Oakland public access and my own personal hero Night Dog.

This guy is half yoda, half Gary Busey and all awesome. He takes the most hateastic of callers and kills them with kindness and confusion. I don't know if his show is still on the air but it's definitely on the air in my heart.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Jonzun Crew: Pack Jam Live '83

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3 things I always wish for:

1: Joy to the world.
2. A Lightsaber.
3. A robot voice.

Robot voices are the best. I thought I was an android when I was a kid. A few years back I realized I wasn't. If I could somehow find a way to sound like a O.G. Battlestar Galactica Cylon it would make me blissfully happy. You think Stephen Hawking gets all those accolades for being a smart guy? Please. I know plenty of smart people. I bet you dollars to donuts if they all woke up tomorrow sounding like Soundwave from Transformers the Nobel committee would be banging down their doors.

Unfortunately science hasn't come up to speed to my totally unrealistic imagination. So for now, I'll have to settle for Jonzun Crew. Watch this, and witness the coolest thing I've ever laid eyes on.

(via Rad Dudes)

Tim and Eric's "Business Hugs"

My new favorite thing times awesome plus infinity divided by retarded and mulitplied by WTF. I really wish I had the balls to try one of these on somebody. Don't you think the world would be a more beautiful place if we all gave each other the "give and take" from time to time?

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Chris Dane Owens: "Shine On Me"

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I can't really find the proper words to describe how Mr. Owens's video made me feel. Imagine eating Peyote, playing a game of laser tag, attending a Fabio romance novel cover photo shoot, and finishing the day off blinding yourself drinking hooch behind the dumpsters at a Renaissance fair. The music makes me want to swashbucle myself off a cliff, but I can't turn away from it. This is epic. Chris Dane Owens, I beg you. You live in LA. Go knock on Hollywood's door. When he answers, kick him in the grundle for me. Then give him your card and tell him to call you once he gets serious about making kick fucking ass masterpieces of cinema like yours.

(via Videogum)

What did Godzilla do when he got the rock?

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