Monday, April 06, 2009

Lord Humongous Pep Rally

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Ahem..check one two...

Can you hear me in the back? Cool. Doug? Can you hear me in the back, Doug? Cool. Ok.

Ok, so as you know, in recent days this Mel Gibson character has been fucking our shit up. And as your elected "Ayatullah of Rock-and-Rollah", It's my job to try and figure out what in the fucking post-apocalyptic world is going on. I don't know where he came from, probably from some place with a lot of assholes. It doesn't fucking matter. What DOES matter is the fact we are getting out ASSES handed to us. And not by a bigger, more awesome rag-tag band of biker-berserkers, mind you. No. We're getting taken to school by some douche-nozzle in a fucking Ford Falcon and a god damned DOG! Honestly. What the FUCK, PEOPLE!?!

Honestly. What did you expect to find out there? This is the fucking desert! Even little ass kids bring the ruckus out here. This shit ain't a game, cousin! Did you see that Mohawk kid with the boomerang? Larry needs reconstructive surgery on his trachea because of that little bastard. 8 year old kids fucking up grown ass men. Pathetic.

Just look at my face.

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You don't have to be the Amazing fucking Kreskin to deduct that this is not a happy face.

Pull it together, people! Remember the training seminar? You were all full of moxy and mindless barbarian rage! Where are those barbarians? Are they still here? Because I don't see them. All I see is a bunch of
Toy ass-busters dressed like Spencer's Gifts clerks with no heart at all. C'mon! I want to see anger! Blood! Anger that shoots blood out of it! I want to hear screams that start fires! Get mad, you sons of bitches! Grrrr!

You are dragging the good name of Lord Humongous through the proverbial mud. They laugh at me at the Board meetings. At me! ARGH!!! It gives me the crazies.

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I, Lord Bradley F. Humongous Jr., will not stand for it any longer.

Sooo guys..please. I beg of you. Underneath this mask I'm shedding barbarian tears. Just try a little harder? Do it for me. Do it for your crew. These badlands are OUR motherfucking badlands. Don't ever forget it.

Get your game faces on. Get out there and let those dogs out. I'll be your Captain, but I need you to fight for me. I've got the groceries, so let's cook some motherfucking dinner. I thank you in advance for your efforts.

According to my barbarian wrist watch, it is now officially go time. Gentlemen: Let's do this thing!!

HayoooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

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