Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Hello, Satan?



SATAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I'm good! I'm good! How you living?

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{Sigh}
Yes, I know you're not technically alive. Don't be snarky. What I mean is how's it going? What's the 411 on the 666?
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Oh word? That's cool.
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Me? Just chillin'. Kicking it at work, you know. Slow motion, playboy. Playing minesweeper, hating on my mark ass buster of a boss who thinks I'm actually gonna come in on Saturday and work on this presentation. He's bugging. Wish I was home blazing an L-Ron Hubbard playing Starcraft. Instead I'm stuck in this stupid office, on some straight up Dilbert shit. Whatever. It is what it is. How's your day going?
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Cool, cool... hope the rest of it goes OK for you. I just wanted to call to thank you for the birthday present.I dig it!
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Yes, I do really like it!
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Stop! It's a great gift. What's not to like? I love McDonald's. I love chatting. How can I not fucking love it? Easily the best phone I've ever owned.
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I mean it! It beats the pants off the faggy pocket watch the wife got me.
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Ha! I know, right? What is this, The Industrial Revolution? She must think I'm 158 years old. Why would I want that piece of shit for my birthday? Get me a Timex, get me a set of Golf clubs. Why get me a fucking pocket watch on a chain? It's ridiculous.
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I'm not being dramatic! Satan. She's an idiot.
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I don't care if it sounds harsh. I married a shockingly stupid lady. I think I know why she got me this, but it doesn't make her any less of a retard for doing it.
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Probably because one time I watched "Antique Roadshow" with her and mentioned how old things are kind of cool...you know, just to say something so she wouldn't talk. I didn't really mean it. One little comment and pow! she thinks I'm Winston Churchill.
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Yes. She is stupid. Just because she got a 1412 on her S.A.T.'s doesn't mean she isn't a freaking retard. According to USA Today those tests are culturally biased..
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The point is, the watch she gave me sucks. I suppose it wouldn't suck if I worked on a Steam train inside a Mark Twain novel. But I don't. So that makes her an ass for giving me Scrooge Bling when it's 2010 outside. Did we lose a war or something? I don't work in a textiles factory in London in 1836. I work here. In a shitty office with fluorescent lights, surrounded by fat nerds and computers that are smarter than me, in a futuristic age of scientific discovery and technological advances, not in the motherfucking past. So, she's an idiot. That's all I'm sayin'.
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Well, agree to disagree. Whatever. Way to take her side, by the way.
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You are taking her side! Very dickish of you. You know, you can't be the Devil's Advocate. You're the Devil. Choose one and stop being an asshole.
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Whatevs, bro. Let's drop it. Speaking of the ladies, If I tell you something, do you promise to keep it on the D.L. Hughley?
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Just promise, asshole.
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Ok. Dude, you wouldn't believe the amount of Poontang this phone is getting me!!!
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Yes, bro! It's silly. I'm like Lorenzo Lamas up in this motherfucker.
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Believe me. Shorties are feeling the double arches. I'm baggin' digits like the Hamburglar. High five!
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{Sigh} The Hamburglar? The striped guy who hung out with Grimace and Mayor McCheese and stole burgers? From the McDonald's ads? Jesus Christ, do you get cable down there?
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Whatever.All I know is that this Ronald McDonald jump off is totally the new Iphone. Tell everyone. Blog it out! I just tweeted that shit like 12 seconds ago.
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AND, I'm calling you from it right now! How rad is that? All hail the Dark Lord! You are truly the Master of Evil and supreme emperor of casual gifting! Booyah! Up top!
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What are you doing later? I got these Carrot Top tickets my boss isn't using, and was wondering if you wanna catch the show with me, maybe catch a brew, play some Big Buck Hunter?
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Oh? Yeah. I'll hold.

2 comments:

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