Podcast 3: NES Is More

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(NES photo via geekologie)

Goooaaaalll!

Waiting for the World Cup is like shoving my face full of Christmas cookies and counting the hours to Christmas. I'm saving my voice up so l can scream my head off like Chewbacca at the vet.

Here's a translation for those of you who don't speak Dutch:

"The Dutch are driving now... and the ball falls to DeBoer... oh wait, the delivery guy just walked in. Thank you Mr. Delivery man for this giant meat grinder. I'll just... OH MY GOD MY ARM! TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF! ARRRHHHHH! DEAR LORD! Please someone call an ambulance."

On a lighter note, nothing seals a goal like an a little operatic improv.

Hello, Satan?

SATAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I'm good! I'm good! How you living?
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{Sigh} Yes, I know you're not technically alive. Don't be snarky. What I mean is how's it going? What's the 411 on the 666?

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Oh word? That's cool.
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Me? Just chillin'. Kicking it at work, you know. Slow motion, playboy. Playing minesweeper, hating on my mark ass buster of a boss who thinks I'm actually gonna come in on Saturday and work on this presentation. He's bugging. Wish I was home blazing an L-Ron Hubbard playing Starcraft. Instead I'm stuck in this stupid office, on some straight up Dilbert shit. Whatever. It is what it is. How's your day going?

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Cool, cool... hope the rest of it goes OK for you. I just wanted to call to thank you for the birthday present.I dig it!
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Yes, I do really like it!
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Stop! It's a great gift. What's not to like? I love McDonald's. I love chatting. How can I not fucking love it? Easily the best phone I've ever owned.
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I mean it! It beats the pants off the faggy pocket watch the wife got me.
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Ha! I know, right? What is this, The Industrial Revolution? She must think I'm 158 years old. Why would I want that piece of shit for my birthday? Get me a Timex, get me a set of Golf clubs. Why get me a fucking pocket watch on a chain? It's ridiculous.
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I'm not being dramatic! Satan. She's an idiot.
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I don't care if it sounds harsh. I married a shockingly stupid lady. I think I know why she got me this, but it doesn't make her any less of a retard for doing it.
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Probably because one time I watched "Antique Roadshow" with her and mentioned how old things are kind of cool...you know, just to say something so she wouldn't talk. I didn't really mean it. One little comment and pow! she thinks I'm Winston Churchill.
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Yes. She is stupid. Just because she got a 1412 on her S.A.T.'s doesn't mean she isn't a freaking retard. According to USA Today those tests are culturally biased..
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The point is, the watch she gave me sucks. I suppose it wouldn't suck if I worked on a Steam train inside a Mark Twain novel. But I don't. So that makes her an ass for giving me Scrooge Bling when it's 2010 outside. Did we lose a war or something? I don't work in a textiles factory in London in 1836. I work here. In a shitty office with fluorescent lights, surrounded by fat nerds and computers that are smarter than me, in a futuristic age of scientific discovery and technological advances, not in the motherfucking past. So, she's an idiot. That's all I'm sayin'.
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Well, agree to disagree. Whatever. Way to take her side, by the way.
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You are taking her side! Very dickish of you. You know, you can't be the Devil's Advocate. You're the Devil. Choose one and stop being an asshole.
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Whatevs, bro. Let's drop it. Speaking of the ladies, If I tell you something, do you promise to keep it on the D.L. Hughley?
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Just promise, asshole.
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Ok. Dude, you wouldn't believe the amount of Poontang this phone is getting me!!!
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Yes, bro! It's silly. I'm like Lorenzo Lamas up in this motherfucker.
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Believe me. Shorties are feeling the double arches. I'm baggin' digits like the Hamburglar. High five!
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{Sigh} The Hamburglar? The striped guy who hung out with Grimace and Mayor McCheese and stole burgers? From the McDonald's ads? Jesus Christ, do you get cable down there?
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Whatever.All I know is that this Ronald McDonald jump off is totally the new Iphone. Tell everyone. Blog it out! I just tweeted that shit like 12 seconds ago.
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AND, I'm calling you from it right now! How rad is that? All hail the Dark Lord! You are truly the Master of Evil and supreme emperor of casual gifting! Booyah! Up top!

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What are you doing later? I got these Carrot Top tickets my boss isn't using, and was wondering if you wanna catch the show with me, maybe catch a brew, play some Big Buck Hunter?
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Oh? Yeah. I'll hold.

Picture of the Day

Pug Life.

The Force: 1, Jabba's Intern: 0

Ice Cold Nirvana

I watched a ton of figure skating this past Olympics. It's awesome. It's the Freddy Mercury of the Sporting world but with more falling and less good music. (Actually, no good music.) I watch it because I like theatricality in my winter sports. I also like sparkly things and public humiliation, so it really works for me. But one thing has me coming back every time: The falls. The falls are so fucking amazing.

Some kid from Farawayistan practices tornado jumps and triple lutzes 14 hours a day at gunpoint hoping for the big day when all their work will pay off, only to have life sucker punch them in the grundle precisely at the moment of their promised glory.

I feel so bad for them when it happens, but I can't avert my eyes. Talk about having your dreams taken away. And how much must it suck to have Bob Costas narrating your life's single most embarrassing moment. As if you already didn't feel bad enough, now you have a Paddington Bear inspired man child mocking you with a voice beautiful yet full of judgement and disdain. You can almost see God's hand reaching down from Heaven balling up into a giant fist, then obliterating these poor souls until all that is left of them is sadness. Glittery piles of pulverized sadness.

That being said I can't help but wonder who feels worse: A: An ice skater who falls flat on their face in front of millions and millions of disappointed friends, family, and countrymen, or B: Kurt Kobain while watching this video?

B. By a landslide. I hope Zombie Kurt Kobain rises from the dead just to eat this man's brains.

(via Craplinks)