Thursday, April 06, 2006

Asshole Battle:Tournament Of Champions!

Several M4H readers have mentioned to me that it's time for another asshole battle. So I decided it's finally time to find out which asshole reigns supreme. This one has been years in the making.

I've taken the winner of each asshole battle from the past, and brought them here one last time to see who is grand king of the douchebags. I've also added a few others to spice up the competition. You know the rules, tell us who you think is the biggest asshole and why. The contender with the most votes wins the asshole crown and the glory of immortality within the halls of douchebaggery. So, I ask you all the question...

Who is the biggest Asshole?

#1: The Cobra Kai dojo Guy From Karate Kid

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Martin Kove, who played the evil leader of the Cobra Kai dojo was t
he suprising winner of the first asshole battle back in March '05, stealing the crown from favorite William Atherton (Ghostbusters Asshole.) His in-your-face rebellion against sleeves and relentless obsession with maiming Ralph Macchio made him the clear winner over Atherton. We'll see how he fares in today's battle royale.

#2: Christopher Mcdonald

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Shooter McGavin eats pieces of shit for breakfast.
Christopher Mcdonald's role in Happy Gilmore landed him the victory in the June battle in '05, reigning supreme over Paul Gleason (the asshole in the Breakfast Club) and Ronny Cox (evil assshole Vilos Cohaggen in Total Recall). He's got a strong chance in the competition, we'll see if he's enought of an dickweed to secure a second victory in today's battle. Best asshole line: "Damn you people. Go back to your shanties." What a cockbag.

#3: Dick Cheney

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The mighty Dick won the most recent battle, beating out Billy Zane in Titanic and even managed to defeat the godamned Emperor from Star Wars. This guy is such an asshole when he smiles it looks like he's being punched in the cock and balls. Some might think he has some serious competition today, but the fact that he recently blasted a senior citizen in the face with a fucking shotgun makes him a strong contender. We'll see if it gives him enought of an edge to secure victory.

So there you have the past champions. But just for shits and giggles, here are a few more contenders to spice things up:

#4: Jeffrey Jones

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Best known as the mega-douche principal Ed Rooney in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Jeff Jeezy has made a career out of playing shmarmy weasels and dickheads in almost every film he's ever been in. And he rocks the Tom Skerritt dickhead mustache to evil perfection. *Super Asshole bonus points: He's a bonafide baby petter in real life.

#5: Russell Crowe

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He claims that he never wants to fight again, but I don't buy it. I just have a hunch that anyone who throws telephones at bell boys is no bush league asshole. This guy is a real contender for the crown. For christ sakes, Sesame Street rejected this guy! You have to be a real dick to get dissed by muppets. I bet he totally wanted to fuck up Big Bird after that.

#6: The "Mao!" guy from Deer Hunter

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I included this little bastard because he is only famous for slapping people in the mouth and making them play Russian fucking Roulette. I was so gassed when Deniro put his thing down on this guy. This man is an Uber-asshole. In fact, he's my pick to win the whole competition.

#7: Tom Cruise


Finally, we have Tommy Scientology. '05 and '06 have been stellar years in asshole achievements for this little guy. He dissed psychiatry, called Matt Lauer "glib", and viciously attacked Oprah Winfrey with L. Ron Hubbard powered demon electricity. Always the multi-tasker, he somehow managed to find time along the way to devour Katie Holmes' soul and begin creating his hellspawn army of soulless Tominites.

So there you have it, people. Get out there and make your voices heard. I hope to see alot of you step up and rock the vote. This is the final round! So let the games begin!

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