Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Hair Battle!

Everyone knows that shitty haircuts are the best. It's a fact. Look it up if you don't believe me. All those "Cool" and "hip" haircuts are for geek nerds with no style. If I meet a person who sucks in every way but has a tremendously poor haircut, I really can't help but like them a bit no matter how hard I try not to. So, in the spirit of the Asshole battles on my previous blog, I present three men of equal hair merit and ask the question:

Who's hair reigns supreme?

#1: Donald Trump.

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Trump's head is a pop icon. I used to watch his NBC show "You're Fired" just to gaze in wonder at his hypnotic domepiece. His perpetual breaking-wave combover has made the man-buffont a look worthy of any billionare. Some haters say it must be a toupee. This is irrelevant. It is a marvel of modern physics. The Donald says "I don't say my hair is my greatest strength in the world, but it's not terrible".

I agree. If anything, it's terribly amazing.

#2: James Trafficant.

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The Former Ohio Representative was expelled after being convicted of corruption, but will forever remain a god within the halls of haircut legend. His "Gorilla of the People" hairdo stirs controversy everywhere it goes. Many say it's a toupee. But Mr. T adamantly denies it. In his words: "Am I different? Yeah. Deep down, you know you want to wear wider bottoms; you're just not secure enough. . . Do I do my hair with a Weed Whacker? I admit."

Don't tell them a thing Jimmy. Hair of your caliber needs no excuses.

#3: Gary Spivey.

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Mr. Spivey is world-renowned for his psychic talent and his uncanny ability to predict future catastrophic events. He also posesses one of the strangest haircuts of all time. Like Mr. Traficant, many believe it is some kind of ridiculous hair piece. Regardless, the fact that no human on Earth has hair that looks even remotely close to his warrants discussion. I want to carry a picture of him in my wallet so whenever someone says "that's not possible" I can pull it out and show them his hair and say "No you're wrong! See this? Anything is possible."

So there are the three contestants. But only one can crowned hair king.
In the name of science, I encourage you all to vote for your favorite... Then we can decide who's 'do rules them all.

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