Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Mustache Battle!

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Well it's that time again. Time for me to scramble to find something to blog about. When I can't think of anything to write, I stare at a wall until my eyes go numb and think about life's anomalies. I ponder important questions like why aren't there contact lenses for dogs, and why is it that you never see baby pigeons..But inevitably, I find myself thinking of mustaches.

I don't need to tell you why Mustaches are so great. If you're reading this, you probably have one, have had one, or secretly want one, even if you're a girl. So in the theme of our previous asshole and hair battles, I ask you fine people this important question:

Which Mustache reigns supreme?

#1: Baron Von Octostache

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This guy is a fucking champ. The M4H mustache committee almost didn't clear said gentleman for competition due to the beard/mustache combo, but in the end, all agreed that the beard portion of his face drape could easily be the second and third tiers of the original mustache, and therefore the baron was eligible for battle. His likes are Kayaking, Reese Witherspoon, and rock climbing with his face.

#2: Dingo McSwigs Alot

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We found this fine contender face down in a booze puddle at a Bavarian beer garden around the way, and had to enter him in the competition. When he isn't out drinking himself to death, he spends his days fighting Grizzly Bears, terrorizing school children, and slapping Crocodiles on the mouth. Legend says he once punched a rock and made it cry. Like the elusive Yeti, few sightings of him have been verified as authentic.
This is the only picture we could get of him. He bit the cameraman's nose off shortly after it was taken.

#3: Conan the Handlebarbarian

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The current favorite in our hair of-the-face race, this man makes Tom Selleck look like a 14 year-old middle schooler with a 2-day-old shit stache. He is clearly the one to beat today, folks. Let's see if the competition can take him out.

So there are your three contestants. Yet only one mustache can be the victor. I leave it up to you to decide. Let the games begin!

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