Sunday, December 16, 2007

A Question For The Ages..


Little known fact: In my real life job I am a scientist.

Well, not really. What I actually mean is that while not technically working in the field of science, I tend to think of "sciencey" things alot while doing the much more pointless tasks during my mundane life. So in a sense I'm like an unconventional freelance scientist. I'm kind of like one of those renegade science guys who wears Hawaiian shirts and solves mysteries, all the while flipping the bird to the establishment. Except I don't endorse the use of Hawaiian shirts outside of the Hawaiian islands..ever.

And it is the opinion of this scientist that science needs many more pointless studies and inquiries.

Keeping that in mind, I ask you in the name of science to please help me decide: Who has the more awkward smile?

Contestant #1: This fucking guy


The robotic mannequin-face of the shagged fellow on the left is quite possibly the most emotionless expression I've seen. How anyone can dress like a Ukrainian Isaac from the Love Boat and not hyperventilate from laughing at themselves is beyond me. It's a bit unsettling how frozen in fear he looks. Look closely: there is definitely pain and anguish behind those blank eyes. If I was a therapist and saw him walk in to my office I'd go "cha-ching!" inside my head and immediately high-five my receptionist.

Contestant #2: The Dark Lord


Only those who have attained rank of supreme master of darkness can render that grimace without their face caving in from the power of its evil..and this guy can. Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face and got an apology, yells slurs at babies, and parks in the handicapped spots at the mall. He also can set fires with his mind, which he frequently uses to start forest fires. The idea of displacing all those innocent woodland creatures excites him.

But what he does best is wield the power of the awkward smile. Look at that face. His expression could easily be viewed as a
scream of murderous rage. What a fucking psycho. He looks like he's choking a puppy off camera.

Contestant #3: This other fucking guy


Last but not least, we have this clown. The grand master of the awkward smile, he is my pick for the one to beat.
He looks like he's just been told a joke in a language he doesn't understand but laughs anyway to not feel uncomfortable. How do you even begin to make a face like that. It's as if he learned to smile by looking at pictures of dead people. It's not human like. It's like the face an animal makes when you put a hat on it and take its picture. I bet he was raised by wild dogs.

So there you have it..Who do you think has the most awkward smile?

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