Stop: Candy Time.

Happy Halloween, monkiacs!!! Can't wait to see how many people are going dressed as Sarah Palin or the Joker this year. Someone should combine them to create an uber-topical culturally relevant mega-costume, and they should talk like Borat the whole night, just to add extra played-outness to the event. I for one plan on getting diabetes from eating candy and look forward to dressing up as your boy Jesus Christ for the festive occasion. (Husky chain-smoking Jesus to be exact). But if I wasn't already going as Jesus, I'd most definitely go as any one of these amazing individuals:

Labels: Things that go bump in the night

Lady is the Boss - Bicycle Fight

Labels: kick like kung fu flicks by Run Run Shaw

UFO Guy for President

Labels: Watch this and promptly lose all faith in the FAA's security measures

Mondays are Pure Evil (Tuesday Edition)

Last night I settled in to post some brutally hilarious black metal for you all, when I discovered that my computer has been infected with a malware trojan virus...That's hijacked my Google and redirects all my search results to bullshit shopping websites...And deleted two of my more recent posts here on the webinet...And blocks my ability to restore the system to restore points in the past, no matter how many times I hit 89.9 miles per hour...And makes my illegal mp3 downloading unbearably slow.


Thankfully I've got my trusty MacBook, so I won't miss a beat per minute. And once Mrs. Mantis and I upgrade to our new hive this weekend, and I'm settled in, I'm going to hunt down that virus and choke it to death with my bare hands...

...which reminds me, have you heard the new Satanic Corpse? Inspirational. Feel-Good LP of the Year. Play it for your Nanna. Grandparents will especially enjoy "Agony and Death Necrotizing the Bone," and I'd recommend "Comfort in the Darkness (Retreat from the Writhing Pain)" for weddings and bar mitzvahs. Blackmetal.com describes this surefire crowd-pleaser as "A brutally grim mix of raw obscure darkness and Blackened ritual incantations featuring neo-classical keyboards, grinding Thrash guitars, blasting rhythm-machine, and an unholy variety of vocal ranges including orthodox Black Metal screech, Deathish growls, solemn intonations, epic chorale, or strange gothic opera, and funereal lamentations. The songs are mesmerizing in their overall chaotic unpredictability, and utterly cult Satanic atmosphere. Recommended only for truly adventurous diehards craving deeply Satanic music. Devilishly delirious and deliciously Demonic!"


I have also been meditating to the dulcid sounds of Kratornas, the Jonas Brothers of black metal, on the Infection/Fudgeworthy label (love their holiday promo cd, btw). The new 7" is called "Hallow Ground Destruction," and it is so bad ass that it even butchers the English language on its campaign of literary carnage. The special edition picture vinyl, seen left, makes a striking stocking stuffer or Hanukka gift. Blackmetal.com describes Kratornas thusly: "High-density grinding Thrashing Black Metal darkness and deathish brutality from the Philippines; in the chaotic and cruel, noisy vein of GOATPENIS, LUST (Canada), ENBILULUGUGAL, and BOTULISTUM." Shit. I love ANYTHING in the vein of Goatpenis!


(cross-posted at Mantisounds, your home for demotivational posters, stencils, and face-melting dance music)

Labels: black metal, kratornas, mondays are evil, satanic corpse

Kaiju Anatomical Drawings

Labels: Gamera has organs for storing lava oil coal and uranium. How awesome is that.

Awesome Beard Chart

Labels: The beard totally plays in film school

Summer Of Tears Vs. Teen Wolf

Check out this brilliant rehash of the cinema classic and Michael J. Fox vehicle "Teen Wolf" by comedy troop Summer of Tears. Somehow they managed to harness lasers and nerd magic to insert themselves in the movie, leading to frequent hilarity and comic moments. Never mind how they did it. I tried to understand it and my face started to swell up from the stupid inside my brain. Good stuff. This also made me remember how fucking strange but at the same time undeniably awesome "Teen Wolf" is. The jury is still out on "Teen Wolf, Too". As Michael Bluth he shines, but Bateman just couldn't sell the wolf to me.

Labels: wolf it up, wolfy

You Just Got Served - Public Service Edition

If there's one good thing to come out of this election this is it:

Labels: my friends it's on

Infinite Chiru Horse Slide

Labels: That horse is a team player

French Thriller Lip Dub

Labels: It's close To Midnight and Something Evil's Lurking in The Dark

Trick or...

This picture brings me back..To a hidden dark place. It all started when I got lost in Rotterdam after attending the David Coverdale impersonator convention. It was the heady summer of 1990. I was backpacking about Europe, a happy shiny lad with stars in my eyes. But fate failed to inform me that on that beautiful night I had ventured...onto the wrong side of the tracks.

I saw them round the corner, a thick floor of smoke at their feet. And then they spotted me. Coverdale#3 wrapped his bolo tie around his fist and punched it, grimacing at me with his hollow, cruel eyes. Oh yes, my friends. They had heard my mocking laughter from the stage. It was time for me to pay for insulting their vast array of colorful Bonnie Raitt scarves. They would make me suffer for desecrating the name of the great David Coverdale with my cruel hyaena laugh. Yes, they wore rouge. But these were not gentle men. I can't describe what happened next to you, fair readers. But do believe those David Coverdales did things I will not soon forget. I assure you, it was NOT love that I was feeling on that awful, godless evening.

I was raped by a pod of Coverdales.

(yet another supreme picture pilfered from a site that punches the internet square in the taint with godlike awesomeness.)

Labels: To this day If I hear Whitesnake on the radio I find a closet to silently cry in.

Mondays Are Pure Evil

Many moons ago, I became slightly obsessed with the Black Metal scene in Scandanavia, Northern Europe, and anywhere else white people can get together, do speed, wear corny stage makeup, and make terrible music. While I've got nothing specific against Christianity OR Norway, and though I absolutely can't STAND the music itself (makes Slayer sound like the Wiggles), the press releases and promotional copy these bands/labels churn out is pure comedy gold, as exemplified by the earnest (and unintentionally hilarious) copy posted on http://www.blackmetal.com/. After all, when pure evil is your BASELINE, it's awfully hard to differentiate your product in a decidedly saturated market, so monikers must be over the top, song titles should disturb and offend, and cover art ideally triggers your gag reflex. Hopefully this will be the first installment of my weekly feature examining some of my favorite unintentionally hilarious black metal releases:



The new THUS DEFILED disk, "Daemonspawn," which is reviewed thusly: "Sakis of ROTTING CHRIST provides guest-vocals on track 2!" That Rotting Christ cameo will ensure thousands of extra spins on the radio, and maybe a diamond encrusted platinum inverted Jesus piece in the Hype Williams-directed video...

Hot off the presses it's the new LUFTWAFFE RAID joint, described as: "Satanic NSBM-oriented thrashing darkness and chaotic atmosphere featuring MOAT mastermind Warharan, with GODLESS / ex-LETHAL PRAYER drummer...According to Warharan, Luftwaffe Raid is not a band with NS ideology." (so they're NSBM oriented, but do not have a NS ideology. mmmmkay....)

In case that crap is too "unicorns and rainbows" for you, may I offer you the newest charmer from EVISCERATED, entitled "Gorging On Rotted Entrails": "Blood, gore, death, rape obsessed brutal Death Metal from San Antonio, Texas." Some song titles included on this fine release include "Suicide by Self Disembowelment," "Severed Foot F*ck Fetish," "Fetal Consumption," "Toilet Bowl Bowels," and my personal favorite "Penetrating of the Rotting Orifice" (I'm assuming this would be the radio-friendly ballad).

Finally, I give you HELLGOAT/LEGIONS OF ASTAROTH, a breezy release off of the Deathgasm/Vile Art record label (these guys will be DOMINATING the ringtone market in no time, mark my words!). Here's how this Seacrest-approved hit factory is described on their new split release "Moonlight Ritual/The Moon Bleeds Red Upon the Earth": "Hate-filled. Misanthropic. Occult. Evil. All adjectives probably well-overused to describe Black Metal… but damned if I could come up with anything better to describe this offering from [both of] these USBM terrorist cells." It's really too bad I've already gotten married, because I would have a hard time deciding which song to use for the traditional first dance: "Turning the Skies Black with Nauseating Rage" or "Absence of Self in Vile Chaos"? You can see my dilemma...

(Thanks to blackmetal.com for the hours of fun, head over to check out some of the streaming samples they offer, and maybe in exchange for your web traffic they won't put a hex on me, murder me, boil my brains in a stew and make a necklace out of my vertebrae, like Ohlin and Aarseth).

UPDATE: Lodi points out that a blog post on pure evil isn't complete without at least one Dick Cheney reference/image. To give him more of a black metal flavor, I've found an image that combines uncut nerdery with pure evil to give you Dick Cheney as a Skeksi:

Labels: black metal, mondays are evil, WTF

Science = Lasers

One of the most fabulicious perks about growing up in the 80s was the laser portrait. and now there's a blog devoted to this bold period in portraiture. We have lasers!


Nothing guarantees an eight year old's happiness like a background of lasers. Check this girl out, with a defiant yet carefree smile that remains unphased as intergalactic battles for the fate of the universe rage behind her. Look out world here she comes. No, seriously, look out. There are fucking lasers everywhere and they could blind you at the very least.

Labels: lasers heal the soul

Metal Gear Cat: 1, Dog: 0

Labels: backdafuckup, dog.

Steven Seagal vs. Helicopter

Labels: In the director's cut he breaks the helicopter's arms backwards

Lynda Carter vs Gargantua

Labels: Monkeys not for helping

Presidential Debate Remix

Labels: I have superpower