Meet Jack Torrence....

Try to imagine if the movie "The Shining" wasn't a horror flick, and instead was a heart felt drama about the bond between a father and son. Hard to imagine, right?

My friend Gabe sent me this today, and it really made my week. A post-production house organized a competition where assistant editors ‘re-cut’ trailers for famous movies to try and make them seem like different movies . This is the one that won...

Click Jack to watch!

(In case it doesn't work, here's a mirror)

Turkish Star Wars Poster & Clips

Although I've already posted about this fantastic film on my previous blog, the recent discovery of this amazing poster warranted another post. And it is Turkish Star Wars. The way I see it, I could devote all my posts to something this important. Look at the determination on Turkish Luke's grill. He's totally committed to whipping Space Monkey ass.

And if the poster wasn't enough, here are are two clips of the film for you. (Click the pics below to watch.) I truly hope they will make you as happy as I was after seeing them..

Here is the best fight sequence ever filmed:

And here is the best training sequence ever filmed:

Seriously though, how boss is Darth Vader's mustache?

Picture Of The Day

Whoah! Superman is a fucking killer! I think I would have liked his movies alot more if he had been like this instead. This pic is one page taken from the Indian comic "Nagraj Vs. Shakoora The Magician". It has Batman, Superman, and Spiderman, Lou Albano (WTF?) and a healthy dose of insanity. What more could you ask for?

Classroom Filmstrips

Remember the days of classroom film strips? I do. I loved watching them. It really didn't matter what the subject was, I just loved the experience itself. There was something warm and organic about the whole process. The sounds the projector made, the smell of the machine running, the muddled audio...all of it became a strange classroom ritual I became accustomed to and looked forward to. I can't remember any specific films, but somehow they all seemed strangely similar to me..

So I found this strip on Boing Boing today called "The Problems Of Drug Abuse" which has some fabulous visual madness, and I thought I'd share..Some of the pics are outstandingly psychedelic. I'm pretty sure they make me want to take drugs instead of resist them...

(click the huffers to check it out!)

Then I got Googling, and found this awesome article on classroom filmstrips from the 40's and the 50's. I thought Reagan's "Just Say No" campaign in the 80's was brainwashing, but these are ridiculous! I had to share some of these pics with you all. They range from humorously strange to dangerously racist..

Jesus! No wonder old people are so fucking crazy! Check out the whole article here..

For more info on propaganda, check out Propaganda Critic.

Picture Of The Day

Is it just me, or does that baby have Vulcan eyebrows? I think Mama Klingon has some explaining to do.

Ragdoll Dubya

Here's a good friday distraction: Rag doll Dubya. Fun for killing time and wasting those last minutes of the work day..

Click to play!

Black Belt Jones Trailer

Normally I wouldn't do a post just for a movie trailer. But Black Belt Jones is no ordinary movie. It happens to be the best movie ever made. And also my favorite movie ever. And this extended trailer has plenty of outstanding dialogue and action. Including scenes from the classic car wash soap suds battle! Oh my god, I love this movie.

Click pic to watch!

Picture Of The Day

As I'm currently living in a new city, I inevitably had to make new friends. So I want to take this moment to introduce you to my new crew.

Aren't they swell?

Hoff Gallery

Just a quick post, I'm super busy this week. But just you wait. I got a huge post planned for the weekend called "People I Want To Punch In The Face". I think you'll like it. In the meantime, My friend Mog sent me this article of Hoff's aspirations to be a rapper, and I got Hoff trolling online, and found this new site.

It's a Hoff gallery. For those of you beginning their Hoff studies, this is a good starting point. Also a great resource for advanced Hoffitarians like myself.

Here are some I enjoyed:

MaracaHoff

ForkHoff

Concrete JungleHoff

Check it out here!

(via Presurfer)

Weird games with wee models

(Thanks Lodi for sending me this!)

Picture Of The Day

I just added a new item to the list of things I want to see before I die. Friends, this is Indonesian water boxing. Easily the best water sport ever invented. If only I could be there on that riverbank. Just look at the faces of the spectators. Pure fucking bliss.

(If you like this, you might enjoy Bolivian Female Wrestling!)

(Via Cellar IOD & Grow A Brain)

Speech Bubble Project

Ji Lee printed 50,000 of these speech bubble stickers, placed them on top of movie posters, ads and signs all over New York City, then went back to photograph what people wrote. Check out the gallery here..

Man I miss New York.

(via Boing Boing)

Japanese Smoking Etiquette

This is a series of ads from some tyrannical Japanese tobacco company promoting Smoking etiquette. I love them to death. They make me want to take up smoking full time again. Here are a few I enjoyed:

If only the anti-smoking campaigns could win my heart like this. Evil has a good writing staff. Check em all out here.

Monkey Music Dump

Hello internet, happy monday. So I was driving home today, and realized I have nothing to write about. I started to worry. Then I slapped my face and reminded myself this is just a fucking blog about monkeys which seemed to calm me down. So rather than whinge you into a coma over the uninteresting nuances of my awesome life, instead I'll give you music. Here are the songs I listened to today during my ride home..I linked the mp3's to the song names. If you like them, I'm glad. If you don't, then you're a soulless person and are most likely going to hell when you die. (just kidding. Enjoy.)

Charlie Tuna- Comin' thru

It makes me happy I still listen to hip hop when I hear a good artist when 9 out of 10 artists are just plain horrible. Charlie Tuna from Jurrasic 5 is a great MC, and one of the few left who isn't a clone, angry, or jaded. Plus he's actually talented, which makes him somewhat of a Hip hop unicorn.

Gorillaz- Dirty Harry

I love this track off their new album. The vocals on the hook are off the hook. But they're on the hook also. But also off the hook.

Minibosses- Contra

Minibosses=NES cover band. Me=Happy Nerd.

Eddie Grant- Electric Avenue

I remember my dad used to have this on cassette and I played it so much I broke it. No wonder I'm a sucker for all things electro.

Herbie Hancock- Rockit

If you call me, this is my ring tone. I might love it more than my family. The video totally freaked me out what with the robots walking around and all the machines doing weird shit. But it was a good freak out.

Chaka Khan- I feel for you

Chaka Khan..Chaka Khan..I don't know whats better..The rappy sing song at the beginning or the wickedly dated synthesized sax solo. Sweet.

Air- La Femme D'argent

This is one my all time favorite songs. These guys sure know their way around a studio. Makes me want to go to France and eat spacecakes.

Lee Perry & The Upsetters w/Max Romeo - Chase The Devil

"Lucifer, son of the morning, I'm gonna chase you out of earth". Lee Perry is a mad genius. This is one of my favorite tracks by him. It's been sampled to death by the likes of Kanye West and The Prodigy, but nothing beats the original.

De La Soul- Much More

These guys are another exception to the rule that Hip hop sucks in 2005.

Prince- Kiss

Besides anything by the Bee Gees, this is the only acceptable song where it's ok for a man to sing at such a high pitch. Minnesota has Jesse Ventura and Prince. It might be the greatest state in the land.

Richard Cheese- Shake Your Ass

And lastly, this is a cover of Mystikal's "Shake your Ass" by none other than the fabulous Richard Cheese...Never fails to make me laugh loud.

That's it. Hope you like them. These files expire in 7 days, so grab em up!

Picture Of The Day

This is a picture of the "Pet Dry Room" from the FCI Seoul International Dog show. Inside the "room", infrared radiation helps to fast dry your canine and prevent skin rashes.

From the looks of it, that poodle is going to bite the crotch of whoever opens the door. The good news is it will probably bite a poodle owner.

(via eyebeam reblog)

The Dr. Hate Diet

So the other day someone I know very well pitched me this concept for a fast weight loss diet based on the idea of hating yourself, and I thought it would make a funny blog. Hence this plug.

It's called the Dr. Hate diet, and it's the new diet crazy seducing self-hating bloggers everywhere. The premise: "Channel the hate, lose the weight." Eat cereal 3 times a day, and hate your body and food to become a smaller you. And to my pleasant surprise, it just got featured on Screenhead and Milk and Cookies, so I now plan on going full steam with it.. So please visit and feel free to leave hateful comments for the good doctor!!!

Click the pic and let the hate begin!!!

*UPDATE* Site is working now, so check it out!

Picture Of The Day

I've had this picture for a while, and had to post it specifically so you can help me find out what the hell is the story behind this. My guess is they are part of a rodeo clown fraternity and this is a strange part of their ritual hazing. And is that Yakov Smirnoff on the right? I'm so confused...

(via Snapsoid)

Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt

Like it or not, Steven Seagal is a cultural icon. Some call him a poor man's Jackie Chan, others a rich man's Jean Claude Van Damme. I like to think of him as being in a league of his own. And in a world of one-trick pony action stars, he's truly a Renaissance man.

(Steven Seagal: Panda lover, guitar shredder, face destroyer)

No one does violence like Steven Seagal. And his movie lines are tremendous. Some of his masterful movie moments:

From Hard To Kill:

Senator Vernon Trent: "You can take that to the bank!"

Seagal: "I'm gonna take you to the bank, Senator Trent. To the blood bank!"

From Marked For Death:

Drug Dealer: "Hey, you want some blow?"

Seagal: "Yeah, I want some blow. Put your hands where I can see 'em or I'm gonna blow your head off."

Also from Marked For Death:

Seagal: "You bailed out a Jamaican street named Monkey the other day, I want him. This other piece of shit, Screwface, I want him. I know you're a scumbag and a puke, I don't mind that, but give me what I need and I'll leave here a nice guy. If you don't, I'm gonna fuck you up."

No that's poetry. All I know is I learned how to break peoples arms in several different ways watching his movies, and any guy who kills the final bad guy by stabbing a knife into the top of their head is a winner to me. No matter how bad his movies are, I'll always have a place in my heart for him.

And now, after all his life's accomplishments, Steven Seagal has gone the Lil' Jon route and created his own energy Drink. Forget Red Bull. It's all about LIGHTNING BOLT!

(Click to feel the power!)

From the website: Lightning Bolt Energy Drink™ is the result of Seagal’s travels in Asia in search of the ingredients believed to keep many locals disease-free for life. Seagal says he discovered the benefits of Asian Cordyceps (one of the most rare and treasured herbs used in Chinese and Tibetan medicine for thousands of years) while researching immune builders in Asia. They promote energy, vitality and longevity. Other unique ingredients of the drink include the Tibetan Goji Berry, a powerful anti-oxidant, patented process cane juice concentrate which contain naturally occurring policosanols. Policosanols have been found to lower cholesterol. Lightning Bolt is the first energy drink made from 100% juice, all natural with no sugar added and also contains B3, B6, B12 and B5.

“I have traveled the world creating this drink; there is none better that I know ” says Seagal, who frequented Tibet and Japan in the 1960s and 1970s while learning Buddhism and martial arts. “I have included in this drink everything I could to strengthen the body.”

Lightning Bolt is truly a new generation of Gourmet Energy Drink due to the appealing taste and health benefits.

Whatever, all that is nonsense to me. But if it makes me an arm-breaking killing machine, I'll take a case!!! Oh man, I can't wait for the commercials for this!!!

(via linkfilter)

International Monkey Power!

Boy oh boy. The internet is awesome. I installed this site meter thingy a few weeks ago, and there is this cool map feature that tells you where people are visiting from. I am blown away by some of these places! It's so cool that my gay words and stupid pictures are being seen by people all over the world. I feel like I'm on that creepy ride at Disney It's a Small World where those demon-faced cherubic mannequins sing to you in all different languages from around the globe, except that ride scared the shit out of me out and this makes me happy. I've kept track over the last few weeks, and aside from the States, you folks are coming from some far reaching places...Namely:

Delhi, India
Tokyo, Japan
The Phillipines
Queensland, Melbourne Australia
Hong Kong, China
Madrid, Castilla La Mancha, Spain
Zurich Switzerland
Athens, Greece
Sao Paolo, Brazil
Cairo, Egypt
Limburg, Netherlands
Reykjavk, Iceland
Laufamholz, Hamburg Germany
Lambeth + London, United Kingdom
Stockholm, Sweden
Assels, Brussels Belgium
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Edmonton, Alberta Canada
Valparaso, Chile
Riyadh, Saudi Arabia
Moscow, Russia

So in honor of your fine countries and in the spirit of education, I shall attempt to translate the only word that matters in English into your native tongues for the benefit of us silly Americans and those readers who wish to expand their simian knowledge:

America, Canada: Monkey
India: Bandara
Japan: Saru
Phillipines: Unggoy
Australia: Tree Dingo
China: Hóu zi
Spain: Mono
Switzerland: Schimgia
Greece: Pithikos
Brazil: Macaco
Netherlands: Aap
Iceland: Api
Germany: Affe
United Kingdom: Cheeky Monkey
Sweden: Apekatt
Belgium: Singe
Saudi Arabia: سَعْدان
Russia: обезьяна

Hurray! The Internet has brought us all together. Unlike Whitney Houston, I believe the children aren't our future. It's the monkeys that will bring us all together.

In closing...

Here's a Monkey washing a cat. (classic)



Hulk Hogan being a Pastamaniac..



Bush and his cabinet..




The Soccer Hooligan Backwards Nut kick ® ...



And lastly, The Spiders performing the "The Monkey Dance"..

Goodnight, world!

Picture Of The Day

I don't know what's better..The fact that the mascot is groping cheerleaders, or the fact that their team name is "Nippon Ham Fighters".

Japan, I love you more than you could possibily imagine.

(via Geisha Asobi)

Dick Cheney: "Go F--k Yourself"

Dick Cheney. Jesus. Just look at him. The man is so evil he can't even smile without showing signs of severe physical anguish. Judging from that satanic grimace, human warmth and positive emotional expression make his heart seize up. I think he had two heart attacks in this picture alone.

Just like Mumra from the Thundercats, Dick managed to crawl out of his fortified crypt deep within Cheyenne Mountain to mingle with the proles of Katrina-ravaged Mississippi and pretend to care about their shattered lives and pose like a bloated show pony for a few photo ops.

figure A: Cheney, Mumra

Luckily for us, someone in Mississippi doesn't like Mr. Cheney, and promptly tells him to "Go Fuck Himself". Here's the link to the video and story... His response is priceless..

First Shep Smith gets tooled, now this. It takes brass balls to tell off The devil. Cheney probably had his family liquidated for such insolence.

(NSFW)

(via Crooks and Liars)

Picture Of The Day

Chinese schoolgirl Wang Wenting has invented a pair of shoes that enable her to walk on water. She says she got her inspiration from watching ducks.

Question: What's with the Solid Gold dancers on the bridge?

Tarzan craze in Switzerland

A new extreme sport which involves swinging Tarzan-style from tree-to-tree is the latest craze in Switzerland.

Thousands of people are flocking to special parks to try the new adrenalin sport 100 feet above the ground.

It involves people launching themselves off specially constructed wooden platforms in the treetops and swinging on a harness to the next tree.

Adventure parks in the country's Alpine mountains have reported soaring visitor numbers as the craze took hold this summer.

Rolf Ryser, manager and instructor at the Seilpark Gantrisch park just outside Bern, said: "People have changed the way they spend their leisure time.

"They want new challenges, to become more active and do something to get their hearts beating faster."

Enthusiast Jeannette Grindat said: "It demands full concentration so you don't have any time to think about how high you are, or what it would be like to fall. You're really pushed to the limit."

(via Ananova)

Mustache Battle!

Well it's that time again. Time for me to scramble to find something to blog about. When I can't think of anything to write, I stare at a wall until my eyes go numb and think about life's anomalies. I ponder important questions like why aren't there contact lenses for dogs, and why is it that you never see baby pigeons..But inevitably, I find myself thinking of mustaches.

I don't need to tell you why Mustaches are so great. If you're reading this, you probably have one, have had one, or secretly want one, even if you're a girl. So in the theme of our previous asshole and hair battles, I ask you fine people this important question:

Which Mustache reigns supreme?

#1: Baron Von Octostache

This guy is a fucking champ. The M4H mustache committee almost didn't clear said gentleman for competition due to the beard/mustache combo, but in the end, all agreed that the beard portion of his face drape could easily be the second and third tiers of the original mustache, and therefore the baron was eligible for battle. His likes are Kayaking, Reese Witherspoon, and rock climbing with his face.

#2: Dingo McSwigs Alot

We found this fine contender face down in a booze puddle at a Bavarian beer garden around the way, and had to enter him in the competition. When he isn't out drinking himself to death, he spends his days fighting Grizzly Bears, terrorizing school children, and slapping Crocodiles on the mouth. Legend says he once punched a rock and made it cry. Like the elusive Yeti, few sightings of him have been verified as authentic. This is the only picture we could get of him. He bit the cameraman's nose off shortly after it was taken.

#3: Conan the Handlebarbarian

The current favorite in our hair of-the-face race, this man makes Tom Selleck look like a 14 year-old middle schooler with a 2-day-old shit stache. He is clearly the one to beat today, folks. Let's see if the competition can take him out.

So there are your three contestants. Yet only one mustache can be the victor. I leave it up to you to decide. Let the games begin!