Shameless Self-Promotion & a Happy New Year

(pic via R3deyeJedi)

The Mantis here, just dropping by to wish everyone a Happy New Year (especially you, Recon), and to invite everyone to peep the blogginess over at my aging-raver, old-school hip hop, street art spot right here. I may start cross-posting between M4H and Mantisounds, partially because I'm lazy and it's easy to cut and paste HTML code, partially because people actually READ M4H and I'm trying to trick you all into viewing my blog, but mostly because the subject matter revolves around the music Recon and I used to eat, sleep, steal, dub, pop, lock, and exhale on our radio shows in college and in smoke-filled rooms, sweatbox clubs, and sleazy basements across America since those glory days of "higher" education.

Hey Japan, You're Doing It Wrong

Happy Holidays! Smiling giftings to all your family units. I truly hope all your Christmasing is double plus happiness.

(via here via Neatorama)

Merry Christmas, Unbeatable

It might not have Hoff, but it does have Ned Flanders and a shitload of bird dancing. If I was there I would be crying and hyperventilating from having so much vitamin awesome running through my gyrating body. But beware: bird dancing is not for the lighthearted. It's like eating a delicious sandwich made of fun and evil. It is truly a forbidden dance. PS: I think the kids in the background are planning their escape.

A Good Rule For Both Children And Adults.

My rules for life:

Rule 1: Never turn down a free meal.

Rule 2: Don't trust robots.
Rule 3: Don't mix Pop Rocks and soda. (Mikey R.I.P.)
Rule 4: Don't fight fucking bears.

Knock Knock

I finally figured out what to get Recon for Christmas.

The Hoff! That's what!

But, wait a second. Now, that I take a second look at that picture, something seems wrong. The Hoff isn't outside, he's inside. He's inside my house holding a creepy candle, smiling a creepier smile, staring at me outside shivering in the cold, and taunting me with my own presents. The Hoff and his Harry Potter scarf have stolen my identity!

(via eatliver)

A Question For The Ages..

Little known fact: In my real life job I am a scientist.

Well, not really. What I actually mean is that while not technically working in the field of science, I tend to think of "sciencey" things alot while doing the much more pointless tasks during my mundane life. So in a sense I'm like an unconventional freelance scientist. I'm kind of like one of those renegade science guys who wears Hawaiian shirts and solves mysteries, all the while flipping the bird to the establishment. Except I don't endorse the use of Hawaiian shirts outside of the Hawaiian islands..ever.

And it is the opinion of this scientist that science needs many more pointless studies and inquiries.

Keeping that in mind, I ask you in the name of science to please help me decide: Who has the more awkward smile?

Contestant #1: This fucking guy

The robotic mannequin-face of the shagged fellow on the left is quite possibly the most emotionless expression I've seen. How anyone can dress like a Ukrainian Isaac from the Love Boat and not hyperventilate from laughing at themselves is beyond me. It's a bit unsettling how frozen in fear he looks. Look closely: there is definitely pain and anguish behind those blank eyes. If I was a therapist and saw him walk in to my office I'd go "cha-ching!" inside my head and immediately high-five my receptionist.

Contestant #2: The Dark Lord

Only those who have attained rank of supreme master of darkness can render that grimace without their face caving in from the power of its evil..and this guy can. Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face and got an apology, yells slurs at babies, and parks in the handicapped spots at the mall. He also can set fires with his mind, which he frequently uses to start forest fires. The idea of displacing all those innocent woodland creatures excites him.

But what he does best is wield the power of the awkward smile. Look at that face. His expression could easily be viewed as a scream of murderous rage. What a fucking psycho. He looks like he's choking a puppy off camera.

Contestant #3: This other fucking guy

Last but not least, we have this clown. The grand master of the awkward smile, he is my pick for the one to beat. He looks like he's just been told a joke in a language he doesn't understand but laughs anyway to not feel uncomfortable. How do you even begin to make a face like that. It's as if he learned to smile by looking at pictures of dead people. It's not human like. It's like the face an animal makes when you put a hat on it and take its picture. I bet he was raised by wild dogs.

So there you have it..Who do you think has the most awkward smile?

Wood: 1, Giant Douche Bag: 0

I suck at some things alot. For instance, I'm probably at the mathematical skill level of a toddler. And not just any toddler. A toddler that eats paint chips and lives under industrial power lines. I use my cell phone calculator more than my actual phone. I still count with my fingers like a little kid. It's pretty god damn embarrassing. I also feel that the many features of my cell phone are slowly making me retarded. But I'm getting off topic.

What I wanted to talk about was sucking. Now as I am to math, the gentleman you are about to see is to the martial arts. I went to a karate birthday party when I was like 11 and I wasn't this bad. He fucking sucks. He really couldn't be more unbelievably awful at breaking boards. And the reason I think that this is truly genius television is because we might be witnessing the single most embarrassing moment of his entire life. Watch and see.

But in the end, you really can't help but admire his dedication. This guy gets an A for effort. I can just see him cruising in his Mom's Ford Taurus with his homeboys rocking his superfresh mixptapes till the speakers distort. Besides his daily regiment of Madonna and Bon Jovi, he also enjoys Europe's "The Final Countdown", "Push It To The Limit" from Scarface, "You're The Best Around" from Karate Kid, and the smoking techno soundtrack of Mortal Kombat: the movie. It takes powerful songs to get him pumped up to go to karatetown. But let's not kid ourselves. In order to walk along the razor's edge, you can't look down. You just gotta keep your head..or you'll be finished.

Retro Future Visions

Dark Roasted Blend has got a wicked collection of retro futuristic art you gotta check out. After looking at them, here are some basic rules I gleaned for predicting the future circa 1950-70's:

1: Communists are still up to no good. The only difference: their evil is much more futuristic.

2: In the future, everything is made of lasers or Nerf.

3: If not metallic and shiny, all colors in the future look like the aftermath of a massive explosion at Jim Henson's workshop.

4: People of the future have a total boner for the Moon.

And I love the fact that so many visions of the future are so amazingly inaccurate. while clicking through the pics, I found this totally boss 1979 imagineering of the "living room of the future":

(click pic for large image)

Incidentally, I want every thing that guy has in his living room for Christmas, including the stupid-fresh Mork meets B-Boy unisuit he's rocking. So Jive.

Check out the whole collection..and definitely make sure you troll the year 2000 flickr pool..

(click pic for more retro-futurism!)

And check out Part 2 HERE..

The Award For Most Disturbing Holiday Card Goes to..

Dear God, that isn't right at all. That takes the cake as the most unsettling thing I've seen this holiday season. And just for the record, today I saw a homeless guy partially dressed like Santa who was nodding off on heroin and standing in the middle of the sidewalk moaning.

(via yayhooray)

Holy Shit.

Letting bionic ninjas into the League was a really good idea.

(via Yayhooray)

Jessica, This Isn't The Nerd You're Looking For

(via Yayhooray)

Jump Back, Wanna Kiss Myself

It's hard to know anything these crazy days. But one thing I know for sure: James Brown is dancing in heaven.

(via WFMU)

If you are still looking for the perfect gift...

then look no further! Holy effing christ. These things are so unbelievably boss. God, I feel so bad for the models. Just look at their dead eyes. If they had been coerced into doing violent goat porn they probably wouldn't feel as degraded as they did after this shoot.

Here's a neat fact: the wonder sauna pants also can be used as an extremely dangerous flotation device for the pool. Perfect for killing yourself and still making sure that your legs get nice and tan.

(via the ODK)

Osama Is A Rapper.

Ah, Osama. Your ways are reprehensible. But I must give it to you: Your rap game is stupendous.

Talking to Mantis the other night, I was reminded of this theory I have that Osama Bin Laden is the greatest rapper alive. Think about it. He has all the characteristic of a rap superstar. When he drops a verse, everyone stands at attention. When he puts out a new tape the world goes crazy. And while staying underground, he still manages to represent on a global stage. He's like the Jay-Z of terrorism. Allow me to explain:

Reason #1: The video is strictly gangster

Nothing says "quality" like a fresh Al-Qaeda video. He doesn't need boobs, bottles, or Bentleys. He doesn't even need good production values or decent lighting. His videos are filmed in a cave with a fucking Ak-47 in the background. That's a 6.9 on the superthug scale. He also rocks camo which does wonders for his street cred.

Reason #2: He keeps is underground

Rappers these days are all about keeping things certain ways. They talk about keeping it street, they keep it hood, keep it gangsta, keep it fresh, keep it gully, and of course, keep it underground. Well Osama has got to be the most underground rapper of all time. He's so underground he's actually inside the ground. He lives in caves that US spy planes and satellites can't even see. No rapper has ever kept it so real.

Reason #3: His crew get their props as well

Every proper rap superstar has a crew of sub-par mc's surrounding them. So naturally when Osama gives them their props, immediate notoriety soon follows. Take for example, Zarqawi. One mention of him by OBL and Zarqawi is on the map. He starts putting out his own tapes, next thing you know he's the biggest buzz in Iraq. Not unlike the great Dr. Dre and his numerous proteges, Bin Laden always has love for his crew.

(fig. A: Osama's click. Note: rocking guns in your video is so hot right now.)

Reason #5: All he needs is one mic

We can all admit this guy spits fire. Jihadtastic verses. A true MC should be able to freestyle at the drop of a hat. Osama can surely freestyle. But unlike some other MC's, Osama doesn't even need a beat. He spits acapella on every one his tapes. That's skills pure and simple.

Reason #6: Braggadocio:

MC's brag, it's part of the art of rap. Al-Qaeda claims responsibility for all kinds of things, and when they aren't busy bragging about all the ill shit they've done they talk smack to everybody. That's battle rap.

Reason #7: Beef

Forget East Coast vs. West Coast. OBL has beef with The entire Western world. That's alot of diss tracks he's got to write. Think of George Bush as Ja Rule and Osama as 50 Cent and you get the gist of it.

Reason #8: hoes in different area codes

Clearly the ladies love him. He's reported to have married five women and divorced two. They don't call him Osama baby mama drama for nothing.

Reason #9: He's an entrepreneur:

Not only does he raps, he produces as well. Not many know he is a seasoned keyboard player and has played along side some of the legends of rock and pop over the years. Soon to come on the horizon: Vitamin water, clothing line, and ringtones.

In case any of you forgot how ridiculous MC Hammer's pants were..

Really. Just absurd.

12 Days Of Kitschmas

I can't figure out what I want for Christmas. It's always so hard to decide. I'd wish I could ask for vacation as a present. Or get a robot slave I could deploy to work for me while I head to the casino for some had earned rest. Or this amazing Pac-Man retro sculpture. But until I'm rich or robots become a reality, I'm stuck looking for good books and the new Ipod lasergun Apple is likely putting out in time for the capitalistic feeding frenzy going down in the next few weeks.

This list has some awesome gifts that might inspire you. Check out the hip flask bible, perfect for any God hating boozebag you know and love. My favorite is biker Jesus. (And the other models in the Christ action series are simply fantastic. ) But honestly, is there really any sexier way to mock the heavens than by wearing a thong of praise?

(click pic for more!)

(via MonkeyFilter)

Mr. Bucket

This commercial sells a living bucket that begs you to put your balls in his mouth. Filthy, Mr. Bucket. Absolutely filthy. Last time an adult asked a kid that question he got to meet Chris Hanson and the Dateline NBC camera crew.

(Thanks Kuru!)

Vader Meets Coming To America

Some parts of this are so awesome. But really, how can you go wrong combining two of the greatest movies of all time? James Earl Jones's "Ahaa!" is killing me. I'm going to start doing that as much as possible until I annoy the shit out myself or someone rolls their eyes and asks me politely to stop.

(via Transbuddha)

Hi, Bear. Bye, Bear.

Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians

Sorry I've been off the grid, I'm really lazy. For the sake of entertainment let's just say that I was traveling to the east in search of the elusive Yeti (which some TV crew actually might have just found evidence of.) On the same subject, check out this website of men who look like old lesbians. My pick? It's a toss up..Bruce Jenner is in a neck and neck race with Lance Burton for the title of champion of old lesbian face.

(click pic for site!)