This dog is biting someone soon

I feel you, sir. And I commend you on your excellent use of laser face.

(watch clip HERE)

Mark Gormley - Without You

After we meet a weird guy and watch a minute of handy-cam stalker footage of a Hooters waitress set to Karaoke machine quality "Rock" style music, we finally get to meet our star.

If Ned Flanders turned into a real-life flesh person and became an alcoholic Propane salesman, he'd have a true Doppleganger in Mark Gormley. But that's all I'll say negative about him. He has the voice of an Angel. And I'm not ashamed to tell you that I love him.

I can't get you out of my head, Gormley!! Damn you!

(via Rad Dudes)

How Not To Smile in 4 Simple Steps

Happy Friday.

Dynamic Pawn

Wow. Dynamic Pawn. This store really has it all. (By "all" I mean several things I do not want or ever need.) But I don't want to dog them. If I did need this stuff I totally would get it here. These people are top notch.

Incidentally, I couldn't be less surprised that handguns, chainsaws, and mulleted Gingers all make the cut in Mississippi. Shocker. And can someone tell me why everyone wears Amber visions down there? It's like every third guy south of the Mason/Dixon line is a dead ringer for Stacey Keach in "American History X". What kind of jive is that?

Side note: If the guy cocking the gun is indicative of the popular hairstyle decisions made by people of that region, then getting a perm from the Muppet Workshop totally plays.

(via Everythingisterrible)

Defense Against Bear Hugs

We at Monkeys For Helping consider ourselves educators. We have fun, but we aim to improve our reader's lives whenever possible. We are truly determined to help you in any way we can. And if that means showing you how to properly devastate the grundle region of a Big & Tall Dockers model, so be it. We're just doing our job.

(via Everythingisterrible)

Little Kid Demolishes "Carry On Wayward Son"

This girl is jedi. Power extreme. Eye of Thundera. A motherfucking keyboard assasin. She's like a heterosexual 10-year-old Japanese Liberace, sans penis, mascara, and glitter cape. (Yes, she's fucking 10.) How disturbing and awesome is that? I swear, all these creepy little kids with unnatural abilities are going to drown us in the river one day. All of us. I for one am buying a gun. I can't believe a 10 year old can do this. It's not right. Or even fair.

(*M4H bud Rin told me her 6-year-old daughter can play "Through the Fire and Flames" on Guitar Hero which almost fried my frontal lobes when I tried it, so I shouldn't be surprised how this kid wails with such evil robo-precision. )

(via Neatorama)

Mascarita Dorada: FTW, bro.

Nothing is better for the brain and soul than watching Lucha Libre. Vince McMahon might toss a few Midgets at the WWE audience from time to time, but I truly doubt they wear awesome masks and use the magic flight science of Agent Smith from the Matrix. Just look at this little guy. Watching this is like chasing Peyote with a dozen churros and a night of Cirque Du Soleil. Fucking bananas. (Excuse me. Platanos.)

(via popurls)

Found My Church

I got at least three of these in the bag. Maybe four.

(via yayhooray)

Unnerving 1970's English PSAs

This collection of 70's British Public Service Announcements is fucking stupendous. Learn about the dangers of frisbee and electrical substations, the potentially fatal consequences of being female and driving an automobile, and the perils of motorcycles. I also learned that old timey England is all about mutton chops and sweaters.

PS: at 1:41 you will witness the best haircut ever bestowed on a human being in the history of mankind.

(via videosift)

Macho Madness '09

2009. New President. New Resolutions. New Year. A good time to get pumped up. Friends, I give you Mr. Randall Savage. He's curious like a cat. And he wants to tell you that your mustache is crooked.

Stuff and things

Here are some art related links I enjoyed and felt like sharing. So I stumbled on FFFound the other day, which is apparently the best site ever. It's like falling into a black hole of images. So dope. Unfortunately it's invite only if you want to be a member. (So if any of you are, invite me!) Found these there:

(more at FFFound..)

Brad sent me a link on Facebook (we are living in the future) for an awesome UK artist named Olly Moss...his stuff is top fucking notch:

(gallery of his movie posters HERE)

And check out Barack Obacca, some weird mysterious columns of light in the sky, cloud projections, and Superuseless Superheros..my favorite is "Slumberjack" who I literally feel like all the time.

Sleep is where I'm a viking.

(via Neatorama, + big ups to Brad for the Ollly Moss link!)

Black Metal Monday (on Friday)

It's been a while, and it's not even Monday, but I thought I'd drop in on my face-painted brethren at blackmetal.com to see what's new in the world of evil incarnate. Thankfully, Satan has been hard at work in the recording studio, as evidenced by the following holiday-themed releases:

War Hammer Command has released "Hellish Wrath," and not a moment too soon, as my mom has been harping on me about hooking her up with some new holiday tunes. Blackmetal.com describes this tour de force as "War, Nihilism, and Misanthropy! Impressive corpse-painted Brazilian Black Metal full of rage and aggression! Absolutely fuckin' great, highly-recommended high-calibre, yet still Underground attack-- believe it!" Oh, I believe it. Especially after enjoying such ditties as "Sodomize the Dead" and "Infernal Holocaust Dissemination." Normally I find that albums embodying War and Nihilism are just OK, but throw in a pinch of Misanthropy and you've got the makings of quite a party!


Next up is the long-awaited (at least for me, anyway) REISSUE of Carcass' classic "The Reek of Putrefaction" CD. I'm going to be honest here: while I understand that "putrefaction" has vaguely yucky connotations, I didn't know until just now that it's "the decomposition of animal proteins, especially by anaerobic microorganisms" (thanks wikipedia). While you might be asking, "Who cares, as long as it's evil?" it helps explain why this particular re-release comes in a limited edition MEDICAL WASTE BAG. Also sealed in this medical waste bag is a DVD entitled "The Pathologist's Report Part 1" which, I'm assured, will "satisfy even the most gore-obsessed diehard CARCASS fanatic out there!" Given the Oscar buzz surrounding "the Pathologist's Report Part 2," this re-release couldn't be more timely.

Finally, in the "Evil AND Clever" department comes this 2005 release by Misantropical Painforest, "Winds Saturate with Inhumane Longing." After trying to imagine the evil backslapping and demonic high fiving that must have followed that play-on-words, we are treated to this surprisingly effective description: "Misatropical Painforest play chaotic, yet epic Finnish Black Metal violence borne of solitary journeys into ancient forests, recorded in the midst of the very atmosphere that this mind-bending music evokes. It incorporates influences from Doom, Death, Thrash, and traditional Heavy Metal into its Underground BM core, melding thematic minimalism with progressive, torturous and innovative arrangements. This is a stunningly original, grandiose and uncompromising vision of an ancient world undefiled by the sickness that grips modern Man!" Reading that, and checking the song titles ("Besmeared the Tunic of Honour," "Demons Haunt this Forest") I imagine these dudes worship Sauron, not Satan, adding a dash of nerdery to their "Finnish black metal violence"...

(cross-posted at Mantisounds)

Holy Ghost Vs. Andy C: The Bible Version

Drum & Bass? meet Jesus.

I can't enough of this video. I really wish they played Drum & Bass in Church. How fucking amazing would that be? I might go if they did. Let's just hope there's a young, entrepreneurial priest reading this out there. Well if you are, here's the solution to making Church not suck: Bass, record drops, snares, time stretching, smoke machines and about 5 or 6 lasers. Yeah. Fucking lasers. Yeah!

I'd go tomorrow if Church was like this. Just imagine how much more faith you'd have in the inherent goodness of the Universe. Rewind Selectah!

M4H's All-Time Favorite Picture Dump Pt. 1

If you're a proper nerd like me, you'll agree that there's nothing lamer than a "sorry for not posting enough" post. But for what it's worth, I'm sorry for not posting enough. I just finished my 2nd screenplay, and have been preoccupied with anxiety-inducing deadlines and writer's block all last week. But all is well! I'm finally fucking finished.

M4H reader (and real life person I know and like) Ross sent me an email today with a great post suggestion: a big dump of some my favorite pics from M4H yesteryear. And I thought, why the fuck not?

So here are few (actually a lot.) Sorry if your browser freezes! That's just how M4H rolls. Dirty, grimy and elementary.

(on a related note, I get complaints that the site is slow and sometimes crashes browsers, and that sucks. It's something I'm too retarded to remedy. SO, if anyone with HTML experience wants to help re-work the site design in exchange for high-fives, hugs, rainbows, and serious nerd props, please e-mail me. )

That said, here are some of my favorites. Enjoy. More to come!

More to come......