Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Bob Hope is a bastard

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So I had this dream last night where I'm driving on the West Side highway in Manhattan. I'm just cruising along, minding my own business, and BAM! a car sideswipes me! So I look up and see an old Bentley limousine accelerating away from the scene. I can't believe what's happening, and I proceed to chase after it. It's blowing through lights and not making any attempts to stop, and I'm getting angrier and angrier. Eventually it pulls over, and I run over to the window to see who this asshole is..

And it's Bob Hope.

I was absolutely stunned.
What the hell was going on? Bob Hope just hit me with his car?!? I was bugging out. So there he is, rocking those amber-shaded sunglasses that old people wear, and he's got a fucking Mint Julep in his hand. I'm about to start yelling and he says: "Hey kid, do me a favor and scram. Do you know who the hell I am? I'm Bob Hope! What are you going to do, hit an American icon?"

So I say "You're godamned right I am" and I cock back and blast him right in the fucking eye. Whammo.

I figured that would stop him, seeing as he's 157 years old. But don't sleep on Bob Hope. He's a wily bastard. He springs up, looks at me with a whammy eye, and lunges like a puma right out the window into my chest. The next thing I know I'm on the dirty gravel trying to keep Bob fucking Hope from biting my face.

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Figure A: Bob Hope, seen here dressed like a complete asshole.

So I hit him again, this time really hard in the temple, and he stops moving completely. Uh oh. Now I know I'm in trouble.

Then come sirens, reds and blues, screeching tires, and I feel arms under mine pulling me off him, and cameras are flashing and I hear a lady scream "you killed Bob Hope you horrible, horrible man!"

And then I woke up.
Wow. What a dream. I blame Chinese food and Ginko Biloba.

But the more I think about it, he totally deserved it. Noone should be allowed to drive Bentleys or drink Mint Juleps. He had to be stopped.

So what if he's Bob Hope. He might be a legend, but that doesn't change the fact that he's a first degree douchebag...

Any thoughts?

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