Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Picture Of The Day
I understand why the Joker hates Batman, but does he really need to have him ass raped by a goat? I think that's a bit much. Way beyond normal Supervillain protocol.
(via Horkulated)
Bob Hope is a bastard
So I had this dream last night where I'm driving on the West Side highway in Manhattan. I'm just cruising along, minding my own business, and BAM! a car sideswipes me! So I look up and see an old Bentley limousine accelerating away from the scene. I can't believe what's happening, and I proceed to chase after it. It's blowing through lights and not making any attempts to stop, and I'm getting angrier and angrier. Eventually it pulls over, and I run over to the window to see who this asshole is..
And it's Bob Hope.
I was absolutely stunned. What the hell was going on? Bob Hope just hit me with his car?!? I was bugging out. So there he is, rocking those amber-shaded sunglasses that old people wear, and he's got a fucking Mint Julep in his hand. I'm about to start yelling and he says: "Hey kid, do me a favor and scram. Do you know who the hell I am? I'm Bob Hope! What are you going to do, hit an American icon?"
So I say "You're godamned right I am" and I cock back and blast him right in the fucking eye. Whammo.
I figured that would stop him, seeing as he's 157 years old. But don't sleep on Bob Hope. He's a wily bastard. He springs up, looks at me with a whammy eye, and lunges like a puma right out the window into my chest. The next thing I know I'm on the dirty gravel trying to keep Bob fucking Hope from biting my face.
Figure A: Bob Hope, seen here dressed like a complete asshole.
So I hit him again, this time really hard in the temple, and he stops moving completely. Uh oh. Now I know I'm in trouble.
Then come sirens, reds and blues, screeching tires, and I feel arms under mine pulling me off him, and cameras are flashing and I hear a lady scream "you killed Bob Hope you horrible, horrible man!"
And then I woke up. Wow. What a dream. I blame Chinese food and Ginko Biloba.
But the more I think about it, he totally deserved it. Noone should be allowed to drive Bentleys or drink Mint Juleps. He had to be stopped.
So what if he's Bob Hope. He might be a legend, but that doesn't change the fact that he's a first degree douchebag...
Any thoughts?
And it's Bob Hope.
I was absolutely stunned. What the hell was going on? Bob Hope just hit me with his car?!? I was bugging out. So there he is, rocking those amber-shaded sunglasses that old people wear, and he's got a fucking Mint Julep in his hand. I'm about to start yelling and he says: "Hey kid, do me a favor and scram. Do you know who the hell I am? I'm Bob Hope! What are you going to do, hit an American icon?"
So I say "You're godamned right I am" and I cock back and blast him right in the fucking eye. Whammo.
I figured that would stop him, seeing as he's 157 years old. But don't sleep on Bob Hope. He's a wily bastard. He springs up, looks at me with a whammy eye, and lunges like a puma right out the window into my chest. The next thing I know I'm on the dirty gravel trying to keep Bob fucking Hope from biting my face.
Figure A: Bob Hope, seen here dressed like a complete asshole.
So I hit him again, this time really hard in the temple, and he stops moving completely. Uh oh. Now I know I'm in trouble.
Then come sirens, reds and blues, screeching tires, and I feel arms under mine pulling me off him, and cameras are flashing and I hear a lady scream "you killed Bob Hope you horrible, horrible man!"
And then I woke up. Wow. What a dream. I blame Chinese food and Ginko Biloba.
But the more I think about it, he totally deserved it. Noone should be allowed to drive Bentleys or drink Mint Juleps. He had to be stopped.
So what if he's Bob Hope. He might be a legend, but that doesn't change the fact that he's a first degree douchebag...
Any thoughts?
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Pictures Of The Day
So I got a few pics I feel like posting today. Why? Because I love you. Somebody said to me recently, "Hey, jerk! Why don't you put pictures of monkeys up anymore?" Well sir, here are some monkeys for you. And please.. use happy words. I'm a bit sensitive.
"Monkey Knife Fight".
I could stare at this for hours. I secretly wish I could be as noble as a monkey gentleman.
"Monkeys On The Go."
Those glasses: Awesome. He reminds me of a young George Burns.
"Monkey Chief."
Courtesy of Monkey Jungle in Miami, which is one of the top 10 best places on Earth. I went there. Holy fucking crap. I was so excited, the staff were visibly concerned.
If I was that Saint Bernard, I'd shit on their beds.
Random Robot:
Why is Japan the best? Because they have giant fire breathing robots.
Random Larf:
Random Larf- part deux:
That's all!!! See you tommorow!
I could stare at this for hours. I secretly wish I could be as noble as a monkey gentleman.
"Monkeys On The Go."
Those glasses: Awesome. He reminds me of a young George Burns.
"Monkey Chief."
Courtesy of Monkey Jungle in Miami, which is one of the top 10 best places on Earth. I went there. Holy fucking crap. I was so excited, the staff were visibly concerned.
"Porn Monkey".
That 'Tang is rocking a Hustler shirt. The weird thing to me is Ron Jeremy looks more like a monkey than the monkey does.
Here are some more random pics:
Random Mustache:
Reason #2013 that Ernest Borgnine is the fucking man. I wish he wore that while in Airwolf. Jan Michael Vincent would have soiled his flight suit.
Random Retro:
That 'Tang is rocking a Hustler shirt. The weird thing to me is Ron Jeremy looks more like a monkey than the monkey does.
Here are some more random pics:
Random Mustache:
Reason #2013 that Ernest Borgnine is the fucking man. I wish he wore that while in Airwolf. Jan Michael Vincent would have soiled his flight suit.
Random Retro:
If I was that Saint Bernard, I'd shit on their beds.
Random Robot:
Why is Japan the best? Because they have giant fire breathing robots.
Random Larf:
Random Larf- part deux:
That's all!!! See you tommorow!
Labels: pictures
Recon vs. Hurricane Andrew
Hey people. sorry for the post drought, I've been dumb busy. My classes are like having a clan of Mountain Gorillas living on my back. And I've got more homework than Jane Goodall has monkey stories. The point is, I've been very distracted. Not to mention I just got my computer back running after being crippled by a series of evil trojan viruses. Good thing I'm a big fat nerd, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to fix said problems, and therefore wouldn't be writing now. But before I continue with my usual 3 sentence, mono-syllabic posts, I thought I'd share a story. Warning: for those of you allergic to reading, this post is word heavy!
Over the last day or two I've been totally absorbed in news coverage of the recent Hurricane. I feel so sorry for those affected by it. I can't help but empathize. I see the footage of destruction and remember my own encounter back in 1992 with a grouchy fellow named Andrew.
I used to live in Miami as a kid, and back in 92 I returned to visit an old friend for a few weeks. We went to the Keys for a fishing trip, but had to cut it short as Hurricane Andrew was fast approaching Miami. So we packed up, and returned. Upon arriving in the city, people were boarding up and preparing for the storm. We did the same, and waited for Andrew to hit.
A few hours before Andrew hit, my friend and I took a walk around the city. I can tell you that the saying "Calm before the storm" is something very very real. It was so quiet, not a sound could be heard anywhere. Take in mind that Miami is like a rainforest with highways. So when you can't here any of the millions of insects, lizards, or birds, the effect is rather eerie.
I remember falling asleep and waking up to a defeaning sound. It was the rain. I remember how unbelievably loud it was..it sounded like millions of BB guns shooting the roof simultaneously. And the wind was so powerful you could almost feel the structure of the house breathing. I've never felt anything like it. It was as if the foundation were buckling and could be blown away at any moment.
My friends parents were frantic, trying to make sure the boards on the windows weren't torn off in the 160 mph winds. We heard a crash outside, which we later found out was the top of an outdoor brick grill chimney that blew off and landed on their truck. As the storm increased in intensity, I was put in a room and told to sit under the desk for safety reasons. I think they were afraid of me being hurt and being liable for it. But I had no problem obliging. I was scared shitless.
So there I am sitting under this desk, listening to these terrifying noises in the darkness. All I hear is glass breaking, howling wind, and sounds of destruction coming from everywhere. I was holding on to one of my friends Dobermans, who were put in the room with me and were understandably freaking out. And then the house began to flood.
Within an hour, the water was 2 feet high throughout the whole house. I remember seeing my guitar float by me, thinking this shit was pretty crazy. But my stuff was the last thing on my mind. At this point, I was actually starting to get scared for my life.
Until then, I'd never been witness to nature's power. I'd never had my life in danger from any kind of disaster, and I found myself full of respect for nature in ways I'd never experienced. I then began praying to God out of sheer fear. Not "Dear God, give me a PSP for Christmas" type praying, this shit was real. I really thought I was going to die.
The rest of the storm is a blur. I think I blocked it out. I spent the majority of it sitting half submerged in rain water with my eyes closed, hoping it would end soon. The next thing I remember is going outside and seeing the aftermath.
The first thing I realized was that all vertical structures had disappeared. We take for granted when we look out the window that there are trees, telephone poles, power lines, lightposts, etc. When they are all gone, you really notice it. The house across the street was almost totally destroyed. Down the whole block, every third house or so was totaled. Most were ok, but the amount of destruction was surprising.
The house I was in was pretty badly damaged. The garage was collapsed, some of the roof was ripped off, and the whole house was flooded. (Later on, the house was condemend and and the family was forced to live in a trailer for a year while they attempted to rebuild.)
I stayed in Miami for another week. The 100 degree heat and lack of running water were a constant problem, as was looting. People would sit in their yards at night, machete in hand watching out for looters driving by looking for materials they could take and sell.
Every day was strange and bizzare. The Army was everywhere, directing traffic and making sure that noone got out of control. There weren't alot of problems. Seeing machine guns is a good deterrent to civil unrest.
I spent my days helping rebuild their roof, driving to food shelters, and looking for power generators, which were in extreme shortage in the city. Everyone wanted one, and noone had one. We heard that a shipment came in at a Home Depot, and we drove the family's half-broken truck there in hopes of getting one.
The scene there was pandemonium. a few hundred generators arrived, and the crowd waiting was close to a thousand. My friend and I got our hands on one, and had to literally fight for it. I got elbowed in the face, and the next thing I know me and my friend are scrapping with 2 old guys for no reason other than the fact that they wanted what we wanted. It was so strange to fight out of need. These guys weren't angry at us, they just wanted that generator so much they were willing to fight us for it. But we managed to win, and went home with fat lips and a brand new power generator.
Eventually I flew home to New York, grateful to be leaving. I felt bad for my friends who couldn't leave, and all the people who's lives had been so dramatically altered overnight. When I got home, my Mom gave me a glass of coke with ice and I've never had something so good in my life. I sat on the couch, basking in the air conditioning drinking a cold soda, and thought about my life. We have so much comfort living in the western world, and we take it for granted until it's taken away from us. I sympathize with those people affected by Katrina, and I just hope things get better before they gets any worse...
So that's my story. Hope you liked it. Have any of you been in a natural disaster?
Now back to the monkeys...
(Photo via Gorilla Mask. Watch Farley as "El Nino" here!)
UPDATE: Sites For Hurricane Katrina Donations:
Red Cross
Salvation Army
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Picture Of The Day
Labels: pictures
Japanese Gel TV And Russian Happy Dance
Folks, this is honestly the best commercial I've ever seen. There is so much yelling and Japanese madness going on, I thought I was having a panic attack when I saw it. Just watch it, you'll see what I mean. Absolutely banannas.
(click mighty morphing maniac to watch!)
And this is one of the best dances I've seen. Ever. I honestly think this guy might be a time traveler. I've never seen someone dress like that and move so strangely. It makes me want to drink heavily and listen to Kraftwerk.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Picture Of The Day
My friends, this is Eilert. When he isn't too busy being my fucking hero, he's singing and entertaining droves of frenzied Swedish fans with his unique renditions of Elvis songs. By the way, he can't sing at all, and sounds nothing like Elvis. And that is pure genius. He's so good, I might even let him sing alongside Heino at my wedding. Listening to him croon is like having a magical spiked bat bash your face in with radical awesomeness. Don't believe me? Check out his blazing rendition of "In the Ghetto." I get chills listening to it. My face also scrunches up in confusion trying to decide if he's speaking Swedish or English or both. Who cares. All I know is I'd follow him into the bowels of Hell.
Labels: pictures
Beyonce..Naked!
My buddy snagged this pic at the state fair, and I couldn't resist sharing it. I wasn't 100% sure if the internet was truly ready for this jelly, but proceeded to post it anyway.
I really hope my RSS feed managed to lure some net-trolling, Destiny's Child perverts here with that post title. That would make my fucking week. God bless you internet, I love you like a fat kid loves cake. To all you dissapointed celebrity skinophiles out there, I apologize insincerely. Technically I'm not lying, though. You wanted to see Beyonce with her junk out, so here she is as naked as the day she was born.
This just reminds me how "crazy in love" I am with eating hamburgers and steak. Man do I wish I had Beyonce's email address. If I did, I'd send this to her and say: "Congratulations, Ms. Knowles. You are now so famous, cattle farmers name their fucking livestock after you."
I bet she'd get a kick out of that.
I really hope my RSS feed managed to lure some net-trolling, Destiny's Child perverts here with that post title. That would make my fucking week. God bless you internet, I love you like a fat kid loves cake. To all you dissapointed celebrity skinophiles out there, I apologize insincerely. Technically I'm not lying, though. You wanted to see Beyonce with her junk out, so here she is as naked as the day she was born.
This just reminds me how "crazy in love" I am with eating hamburgers and steak. Man do I wish I had Beyonce's email address. If I did, I'd send this to her and say: "Congratulations, Ms. Knowles. You are now so famous, cattle farmers name their fucking livestock after you."
I bet she'd get a kick out of that.
Labels: pictures
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Picture Of The Day
So I just started classes today, and can feel my brain cells filling to the rim with useless knowledge already. I feel alot like this kid. Can anyone figure out what is going on in this picture? I'd like to think it's pumping sweet chocolate directly into his brain. Just look at that expression!
Labels: pictures
Magnum PI, Bolo Yeung, Dangerdoom..
Happy tuesday, everyone...Hope you all had a good weekend..I had a great time with Jay and my sister. Good times. Alas, I couldn't buy a Mogwai, but enjoyed the Mall nonetheless. My sister was nice enough to host us even though she was in the middle of finals, and I thanked her by drinking myself out of sobriety. Laughter ensued.
Upon returning to Corn city, we went to the state fair, and witnessed an amazingly dated ride: The Magnum.
I had to share a picture of the ride, to show you how amazing it is. Amazing because it is a carnival ride based on a television show starring Tom Selleck. Even more amazing is the fact that the TV show is fifteen years old! I was surprised to see people riding it without fear in their eyes.
But who cares about rides when you can sit and look at a glorious airbrushed Selleck montage. I stared at it and let my brain fuzz over, and the theme song slowly came into my brain. I swear I heard T.C.'s helicopter buzzing overhead. I wondered to myself what Higgins is up to these days, and if he still had those ornery Dobermans. I swear he kept them around just to pester Magnum. I think they hated his mustache.
My friend the Unbeatable sent me an awesome movie in the mail. When I opened the package I yelped like a howler monkey. It was Black Belt Jones 2: The Tattoo Connection.
Wow. I'm holding off watching it for the right moment. I really can't wait to see it. Black Belt Jones is one of my favorite films of all time, and this movie has Bolo Yeung in it! Bolo fucking Yeung. One of the greatest Martial arts villains of all time. Sweet. Vic, I'm grateful beyond words.
(fig. A: happy Bolo, puzzled Bolo, angry Bolo)
Lastly, I've noticed some people post music, and I'm always psyched when I can download tracks from my favorite blogs. So from now on, I'll be uploading a few songs on a weekly basis that I've been listening to and hopefully you will like.
Danger Mouse (of Grey Album fame) and MC/producer MF Doom have come together to produce DANGERDOOM: The Mouse and the Mask, an album inspired by Adult Swim, Cartoon Network's popular late-night animation network.
I found two joints off it on some Mp3 blogs, and really dig them. The album isn't dropping until October, so download these and enjoy. (The links only work for a week, but if anyone wants them later on, email me.)
Firstly, this is a track featuring Cee-lo called "Benzi Box." I love the beat. The bass makes my ears feel like bees are making honey in them.
And this is a track featuring GhostFace called "The Mask". Check out the Brak and Zorak cameos at the end..LOL!!
Enjoy...Have a good week monkiacs.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Northbound...
Well i'm off..I'm going on a road trip to Minneapolis with my old friend Jay who came all the way to corn town to see me..We plan on hitting the Mall of America, and visiting my sister...Should be a good time. I went to the MOA many moons ago with Mantis, and had a blast. They have everything there. And I mean everything. I know a guy from St. Paul who bought a Mogwai there. Seriously. Only $499. They sell them in the Gremlin District on sub-level 4.
For those of you unfamiliar with Minnesota, it's a fabulous cheese-filled state where you can drive 75, everyone sounds like Rose from the Golden Girls, and Jesse "The Body" Ventura (below) is the Governor.
(fig A: Jess Ventura, then and now)
Lord how I miss crazy cokehead Jesse. Only him and Rick James could pull that look off with true finesse. If hair could run for office, those braids would be Governor of the state of Bossachuttsetts.
Farewell blogospherians, I'll catch you on the rebound. But while I'm gone, please ponder this visual zen koan and feel free to discuss amongst yourselves..
Peace!!!!
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Picture Of The Day
Labels: pictures
Black Metal Fashionistas
Black Metal is the best. Not the music I mean. That's actually pretty shitty. The people who play it are the best. I remember living in Boston and Devo had a copy of Vice that talked about the big dogs of the black metal scene, and how they'd actually kill each other. WTF? Is there no law over in Iceland or wherever these monkeys are from? It's crazy these dudes actually take themselves so damn seriously. And can someone please explain why is it that they're all from Nordic countries? I feel like I'm too nice a guy to be descendant from the same stock as these heathens.
This is a fantastic picture of "Horgh" and "Abbath" from the band Immortal. If they were attempting to look scary and evil, they have failed miserably. They look like someone Lord Humungus from Mad Max 2 would hire to be his lotion boys.
(Fig. A: Lord Humungus lets the metal holler)
That being said, check out these Top Ten Black Metal pics..(Note: some aren't safe for work) And if you haven't seen the first list, check it out here..
(Thanks Mog for sending me this!)
Monday, August 15, 2005
Picture Of The Day
Attention all Endor residents:
Do not leave children unattended in the forest zones. Although they appear to be cute and cuddly, Ewoks are in fact very dangerous animals. They enjoy the taste of human flesh, and have been known to cook Imperial children at their campfire parties in the past. If you happen to encounter a wild Ewok, do not toy with it. Do not give it candy, and do not try to pet it. Many Stormtroopers have perished assuming them to be harmless woodland creatures. Dispose of it quickly with a blaster shot to the head or notify you local Stormtrooper unit. Thank you.Labels: pictures
Done and Done And Done
Hurray! I'm finally done my paper!! It only took me till dawn to finish it, but I'm done. I now have a week off with nothing to do but annoy my family, make music, and waste oxygen and food.
In honor of my success, here are some happy dances that move me beyond words. I usually hate mondays, but today I feel a little bit like this lady..
And a bit like these guys..
But mostly, I feel like this...
Have a good week, people!
And Long Live Dschingis Khan!!!
(gifs via horkulated, and YTMND)
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Breakdancing Muppets and Brain Karate
Hello computer, and hello world..I'm up late and figured I'd do a random pointless late night post for the fuck of it. I have a paper due monday that is karate-fighting my neurons and I needed a break. It's my last paper and then I'm done, but for some reason (read: God hates me) it's like pulling teeth trying to finish it...It's like my teacher is Khan and I'm Chekov, and this godamned paper is a ceti eel that crawled into my head and made me a brainwashed imbecile.
Anyway, so just I felt like writing..I'd do the whole stream of consciousness type post that all the cool kids seem to be doing, but I'm afraid I'd channel something weird like the ghost of Mel Torme or Gozer from Ghostbusters..(But for the record, if I did end up channelling Gozer, I hope it would be Gozer the Gozerian, and not the destructor. That destructor chick is bad medicine.)
(Fig A: l to r: Mel Torme, Gozer)
Destructor reminds me of Destro from Gi-Joe. His metal face was terrific. Now that was a cool villain. He was the yin to Cobra Commander's yang. ( does that sound a bit gay?) If they ever make GI Joe the live action movie, I think Seal should play Destro. Why you ask? 1. because he looks exactly like him (see figure below) and 2. the song he'd do for the soundtrack would probably be pretty bizzare.
(Fig. B: Destro + Seal: Separated at Birth?)
Also, check out this logo.. It's like the Hunter S. Thompson "Gonzo" logo remixed Destro style!! (Brogonzo, I thought you dig this one!)
Speaking of Gonzo, check this pic out:
(click here to see full size..trust me its worth it!)
The reason I found this amazing picture is because I had a dream last night that I was the world's greatest breakdancer. You should have seen it. I won the hearts of all my fellow uprockers by showing them the secret art of monkey style. And I had a viking helmet on, and Lee Iacocca was a judge. It was amazing, I wish all of you could have been there..I was #1!
For those illiterates who enjoy my blog, here's a banner summing up the overall theme of my dream..
For those illiterates who enjoy my blog, here's a banner summing up the overall theme of my dream..
How boss is that?!?
Speaking of Boss, I refuse to see the new Dukes Of Hazzard flick because Boss Hogg isn't fat. I'm serious. I don't care how hot Jessica Simpson is. No Boss Hogg, no dice. No disrespect to Burt Reynolds, but how can he compete with the original? Just look at him!!
(fig. C: Boss Hogg rocking the "Gas Face")
Almost done..But I got a few more random odds and ends for you..
Random link:
Speaking of Hogs, this video has got plenty. This is hands down one of the best videos I've seen in a long time. It's basically a ton of hillbilly pics, from mullets to pickup trucks to hunters to bad teeth. All to the sound of "Dueling Banjos" from Deliverance..Plus, how can you go wrong with anything that has this guy in it?
Random Plug:
The cyberninjas over at Monkeyfilter wrote my blog up as a link to check out! That site kicks ass, so I am honored. I feel like the president of the internet just gave me a gold star and affixed it to my shiny new blog geek cape..If you could see in my head, it would be smiling and the inside would look like like this:
(I think my brain is sexier than that though..)
Random Pic:
Random Album Cover:
Random Mustasche:
Random Yanni:
Random Yanni Lookalike:
And last, but definetely not least....
Random Hoff:
Well folks, On that note, this condors gotta fly.. I hope you enjoyed this random blog experiment as much as I did!!! See you Monday!!
Random Album Cover:
Random Mustasche:
Random Yanni:
Random Yanni Lookalike:
And last, but definetely not least....
Random Hoff:
Well folks, On that note, this condors gotta fly.. I hope you enjoyed this random blog experiment as much as I did!!! See you Monday!!
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Picture Of The Day
Labels: pictures
Arnold's Total Body Workout
Arnold Schwarzenegger. Flagrant womanizer. Iron pumper. Kennedy humper. Governator. Terminator. Austrian. Barbarian. Republican. Destroyer of English. So much can be said about him. Love him or hate him, Arnold is one of a kind.
This is a fantastic album he made back in 1983 called "Arnold Schwarzenegger's Total Body Workout". Arnold gives basic instructions on how to exercise with and without weights. Every time he says "bahbul" I almost spit. His English is fucking horrible. I can just imagine him sweating in the vocal booth trying to use his brain muscle to form basic American sentences.
This is chock full of samples. And the songs he "instructs" over are fabulous.."It's Raining Men", "Don't Stop Believin", and other shitty 80's gems. One of my favorite lines:
"I have to warn you now that your shoulders will be so wide you will not be able to fit through the door."
Thanks Arnold. I'll keep that in mind.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Picture Of The Day
I love this guy. He kind of looks like the dude who kicks Daniel-San's ass in Karate Kid pt 2, except much more sassy and upbeat. That smile is priceless. Only someone who lives under the maniacal dictatorship of Kim Jong Il and smiles so rarely it causes their face physical pain can produce a grimace like that. I think the only time he smiles is Christmas. Looks like Santa brought him a he-blouse this year. Sweet.
(via Bizzarre Records)
Labels: pictures
An Ode To Randy Savage
Praise you, the Macho Man
And fair Elizabeth too
We are blinded
by your savage colors so bright
yet still, you observe
by some alien science
beyond the darkness
through painted glass
the distant turnbuckles of eternity.
I'd like to shake your hand, good sir
and tell you this fact:
Your hat
makes me want
McDonalds.
We are blinded
by your savage colors so bright
yet still, you observe
by some alien science
beyond the darkness
through painted glass
the distant turnbuckles of eternity.
I'd like to shake your hand, good sir
and tell you this fact:
Your hat
makes me want
McDonalds.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Picture Of The Day
Pow!! Right in the Epcots! That's got to hurt. I think his Magic Kingdom is going to be closed for maintenence for a bit after this. As if wearing a giant rat suit wasn't shitty enough, this poor bastard gets Jackie Chan'ed in the nutsack on top of it all. That kid would get a big, white-gloved bitch slap if she tried that shit on me. On second thought, probably not. I'd probably just go home and drink myself to sleep with tears on my face.
Labels: pictures
"...and miracles is the way things ought to be."
In light of Rockstar games's new video game coming out paying homage to the 1979 classic "The Warriors", I felt it was my duty to salute the greatest man in that movie, and I would argue one of the greatest people in cinema history- Cyrus.
For those of you who haven't watched "The Warriors" stop reading this right this second and go watch it, because you don't know what you're missing! Netflix it, blockbusterize it, whatever. Just do it. Watch the trailer in the meantime. It's so good you'll want to stab you own eyes for not having seen it before.
Those of you who have seen it undoubtedly remember the man I'm talking about. In the movie, Cyrus, the charismatic leader of the baddest gang in New York, arranges a meeting in The Bronx to spread his ideas to the other gangs of the city. His goal is to get the gangs to all agree to a truce, and form one giant gang to overthrow the police and run the city themselves. Obviously what he says is pretty insane, and if I was a mild mannered citizen of 1970's Manhattan I would probably be against it. The whole idea of gangs running New York (other than the NYPD) sounds pretty intense. But the way he delivers his speech gives me chills. He's like a 70's version of Barack Obama with James Brown hair. His oratory is so great I cry a little inside every time I hear it. Here is the transcript..(And I've linked some of the text to a few awesome audio samples of it..)
figure A: Cyrus "droppin science"
Cyrus -" Can you count suckers? I say the future, is ours! If you, can count."
Crowd Member - Come on Cyrus, we're with you!
Crowd Member - Go ahead bro!
Cyrus - "Now look what we have here before us. We've got the Saracens sitting next to the Jones Street Boys. We've got The Moonrunners, right by The Van Cortlandt Rangers. Nobody is wasting nobody. That is a miracle, and miracles, is the way things ought to be."
[Crowd cheers]
[Cyrus climbs up the platform]
Cyrus - "You're standing right now with nine delegates, from a hundred gangs and there's over a hundred more. That's 20,000 hardcore members, 40,000 counting affiliates and 20,000 more not organised but ready to fight. 60,000 soldiers! Now there ain't but 20,000 police in the whole town. Can you dig it?
[Small crowd cheer]
Cyrus - Can you dig it?
[Louder crowd cheer]
Cyrus - Caaaaaan yooooou diiiiigg it?
[Crowd roar and cheer]
Cyrus - Now here's the sum total. One gang could run this city. One gang! Nothing would move, without us allowing it to happen! We could tax the crime syndicates, the police, because we got the streets suckers! Can you dig it?
[Crowd cheer and police cars roll quietly into the park]
Cowboy - "Right on!"
Cyrus - "The problem in the past has been the man turning us against one another. We have been unable to see the truth, because we've been fighting for ten square feet of ground. Our turf, our little piece of turf. That's crap brothers. The turf is ours by right, because it's our turn. All we have to do is keep up the general truce. We take over one borough at a time. Secure our territory, secure our turf, because it's all our turf!"
[Crowd cheer and more police cars roll into the area]
Wow. I mean Wow!! Doesn't that make you want to run out, put on a ridiculous costume and join a group of ruffians to commit mayhem and civic urest? All I know is there isn't a day in my stupid life where I don't realize that a: I can count, and b: I'm a sucker. If only we could all realize that the power to change this world is all around us..In fact, it is us. We as a collective force can do anything. And Cyrus knew this. Sadly, he is struck down by an assassin's bullet at the end of his speech. And in one quick flash of gunfire, a great man dies and a legend is born..
But let us not ever forget his words.
Friday, August 05, 2005
Picture Of The Day
God Bless Bansky. I love this guy. First he tags the NY museum circuit with his guerilla art installments, and now he's hit up Israel's controversial (and according to the UN illegal) West Bank barrier with a series of awesome pieces. All politics aside, I think it's amazing that someone can take an ugly wall meant to divide us and turn it into something beautiful..Check out the whole series of paintings here, and the news story of his trip..Have a good weekend people!
(via Screenhead)
Labels: pictures
Portable Hippie Catcher
This is a product called "Shooting Net". It's basically a net in a can that you can shoot at intruders, friends, family, or neighbors for protection or practical jokes. It's one of the coolest things I've seen in a while. I want to get one and use it on my parents. I'd laugh then, they'd laugh much later. Not quite as cool as having monkeys on horses throwing nets at people like in "Planet of The Apes", but almost as cool.
When I saw the gif above it really hit home. I can't tell you how many times I've caught masked intruders with kindling lurking on my property. If only my grey suited automatons had had these net guns, I wouldn't have had to kill so many of them...
(via milkandcookies)
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Brothers from another Mother
I don't have much to post today as my classes are stomping my guts out right now with booku work, but I had to show you this picture. Everyone knows Bush looks like a monkey, so much so it's not even funny. It's actually kind of creepy. But Reagan? Clearly his film work shows his affinity for simians, but I never thought he looked like one. I always liked Reagan with out knowing why. Maybe because he called himself something as ridiculous as the Gipper. Or maybe I always knew subconsciously that he looked exactly like a godamned monkey. Anyway, gotta run and get back to the mind toruture that is my perpetual existence...more to follow..
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Picture Of The Day
There's so much to like about this picture, but my favorite part is beardy on the left rocking the V-neck candy cane referee shirt. I really wonder what he's looking at. Maybe he was too caught up in stargazing and forgot to look forward. Regardless, His lack of conformity to the rules of photography make him a rebel. Rock on!
Labels: pictures
Monday, August 01, 2005
Jacko Of The Third Kind
Michael Jackson Wants Airport For Aliens
The eccentric singer reportedly came up with the idea after dreaming he met little green men from outer space.
Jackson wants to set up the extra terrestrial landing strip in the Nevada desert, according to new book 'Alien Rock: The Rock 'n' Roll ET Connection'.
Author Michael C Luckman claims Jackson even wants to film the first landing at the alleged base,
He revealed: "Michael wants to welcome extra-terrestrials to earth and to film the landing."
The writer also claims the pop star - who is said to be a huge fan of sci-fi movies like 'ET' and 'Men in Black' - once believed he was an alien himself.
He claimed: "Mr Eccentricity (Jackson) revealed in November 2001 that he felt he was from another planet.
"Michael identified the planet as 'A Capricious Anomaly in the Sea of Space' and said it was located 'just beyond our solar system'."
Earlier this month, Luckman claimed the troubled star, who last month was acquitted of child abuse, had discussed having his remains cryogenically preserved so he could be brought back to life in the future.
He revealed : "Michael has gone to extreme lengths to achieve immortality".
(found here)
Picture Of The Day
They say that it's good to be upfront and honest with one another when starting a romantic relationship. But there is such a thing as being too honest.
Labels: pictures
English as She is Spoke
Bad english is the best kind. Communication is an art, and mistranslation is a beautiful side effect when cultures collide. Which brings us to the fabulous book called "English as She is Spoke". It's value lies in the fact that it has the worst english I've EVER read:
"This 1883 book is without question the worst phrasebook ever written. The writer, Pedro Carolino, who was Portuguese, did not particularly speak English, nor did he have a Portuguese-English dictionary available. Instead, he worked with a French-English phrasebook and a Portuguese-French dictionary. The results, I'm sure you'll agree, are staggering."
Indeed . Check out some fine examples of this marvelous phrasebook from the category "Familiar Phrases":
"These apricots and these peaches make me and to come water in the mouth."
"It must never to laugh of the unhappies."
"Take that boy and whip him to much."
Or this "familiar dialogue" regarding weather:
The weather.
We shall have a fine weather to day.
There is some foggy.
I fear of the thunderbolt.
The sun rise on.
The sun lie down.
It is light moon's.
Anyway, you get the idea. You can't go wrong with Crazy talk from the 1800's. That's vintage. Check it out here...
And speaking of weird use of language, check out this blog I found called "Computer Dreams and Poetry". The poems are all written by a computer!! Wow. Computers writing on computers. We truly are living in the age of insanity.
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