Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Monkey Fever

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Ahoy all, sorry for the lack of posts the last few days..I've had a wicked case of the flu, and only now am I starting to feel better...I still feel like God kicked me in the face, but it's alot better than before. For the last few days I've been battling a 102-103 fever, and in between bouts of restless sleep and bizarre dreams I decided to write some stuff down for shits and giggles to see what came out. Regular posts will be up tommorrow. But for now, enjoy my fever induced stream of consciousness...

Sundays are good days for wearing slippers and watching Beastmaster movies.

I wonder who would win in a fight between Tackleberry from Police Academy and Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

Had a dream this afternoon that I was on the phone with a friend, and I took a call on the other line and a swarm of bees shot out the receiver.

I want to kill that Geico lizard. Damn gecko bastard. I hate him even more than the Fandango puppets.

I'm willing to bet my copy of Bloodsport that Jean Claude Van Damme cries on a daily basis.

You know what's sad? When Michael Jackson turns into a zombie in Thriller he looks way less scary than he does in real life today.

Watching TV today I noticed something: Dr. Phil is an asshole. What a dick. And if you look at it hard enough, even his mustache is pompous.

Someone needs to make a club that looks like the movie Tron. If they did I would totally take up hallucinogens.

The Lambada has been gone too long. We are definitely due for a new forbidden dance.

Captain Lou Albano used to rock rubber bands on his face. That was so cool and doesn't make any sense at all.

I just remembered the California Raisins. What was wrong with us in the 80's? Max Headroom, Star Wars defense programs, dancing soda cans, and godamned singing raisins? Reagan must've been conducting mind control experiments on the public.

Call me nostalgic, but people need to start rocking rat tails again.

I wonder if Wilford Brimley is still alive. Remember the movie Cocoon? Not only did it represent the end of Steve Guttenburg's career, it made me afraid of swimming pools and old people for many years. And Brian Denehey was too husky to play an alien. That's just poor casting.

I think Sprite has the most powerful motto out of all the sodas, because it actually commands you to obey your thirst. That's pretty intense.

I heard that Entertainment Tonight's Mary Hart has a voice that gives kids seizures. She might not admit it publicly, but I bet she secretly loves that. I would absolutely kill for that kind of power.

If you don't believe Tom Cruise is gay, go watch Top Gun. That movie is like Brokeback mountain on an Aircraft Carrier. Him and Val Kilmer look like they're going to french each other in every scene.

I pray to the hip hop gods that 50 Cent will stop saying "GGG Unit" all the time. If he doesn't stop acting the fool soon, I might just have to go and make a diss record.

Just writing this down on a pad watching my hand smudge makes me realize that it's a right handed man's world. Righties are always trying to keep us down with their oppressive notebooks and scissors and whatnot. It's just not right.

I had a dream last night that I was on a cruise and the Bee Gees were there on vacation and me and Barry Gibb got drunk and yelled at tourists. I would say "Do you know who this is, people? He's a godamned disco legend!" And when they'd come up to him for autographs he'd go "I'm a woman's man, no time to talk." It was pretty terrific.

At my wedding, I'm having Airwolf fly me to my Honeymoon.

The sound when people spin the big wheel before the showcase showdown on "The Price Is Right" is somehow very soothing to me.

How nutty would it be if Dick Cheney shot someone in the head and got away with it? (Oh that's right...)

Wine flavored beer sounds good, but beer flavored wine sounds gross.

Aaron Spelling looks like an albino lemur, but I think Tori Spelling looks more like a monkey than an actual monkey does. She looks like a baboon hooker with a blonde wig on.

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