As I scoured the globe for worthy contenders, I decided to go a bit Hollywood this time. I had a hard time choosing which celebs to pick. There really are hundreds of qualified douchebags in the entertainment industry. This time around the competition is getting stiff. In today's battle we have 9 worthy contenders for the asshole crown!
The winner of this and the subsequent battle TBA will advance to the next round where he or she will face the current champion Dick Cheney. Please cast your votes, all friends and lurkers alike. And write-ins are more than acceptable. So without further ado, let the games begin!!! In the name of science, I ask you all...
Who is the biggest Asshole?
#1: Carlos Mencia
Granted, humor is objective. But this guy is the fucking worst. He actually managed to make offensive racially provocative humor totally un-funny, which is truly a feat. Not only does he claim to be Mexican and base all his 2 dimensional humor around it, He's actually half German and half Honduran. What a cockbag. I bet Dave Chappelle left Comedy Central just so he wouldn't have to talk to this guy at company picnics.
#2: Kevin Federline
Another no-brainer. Britney is popping babies out thrice weekly and love handles can't drag himself away from his South Beach 8-ball socials long enough to be a fucking motherfucking dad to his godamned kids. Do you ever get that feeling like life is good and the future is bright? I feel the exact opposite of that everytime I hear that K-Fed is still breathing oxygen on planet Earth. Supposedly his new album is going to be "fire". When I feel fire like that I go to the clinic across the railroad tracks.
#3: Cobra Commander
Impatient and frequently hysterical, high pitched voice, extreme cowardice. These are the qualities of a true asshole. I wanted to choose a terrorist, and Osama just doesn't make the cut. Like Cobra Commander, all he cares about is taking over the world. But Osama never rocked a rag on his face. Plus he never said things like this:
"I shall be waiting to reward your genius, or to have you beheaded for terminal stupidity! I have spoken."
"Who cares about looks? All I care about is material gain and staying alive!"
"Taking people's money away isn't half as satisfying as making them suffer!"
Bravo, sir. That is true assholery.
#4: Mel Gibson
Caviezel on the cross, do I even have to give a reason? Mel, what were you thinking? Corky huffing paint thinner would have better judgement.
Anti-semitism = very bad.
Anti-semitism + Hollywood = Astoundingly super retarded.
Who would have thought that his role in "The Man Without a Face" would become a metaphor for his real life. Half nice, half ugly. Just standing next to him is an act of bravery. The Mayan guy in the picture looks like fire ants are crawling into his penis.
#5: Lindsay Lohan/Paris Hilton
These girls can be condensed into one skeletal, mystic-tanned bag of booze, speed, and godless promiscuity. As everyone in Hollywood is on a beeline straight for damnation, these girls get a pass for being unbelievable slut pieces. But what I can't forgive is their recent foray into the world of music. Luckily Paris's album went double teflon this week. Hopefully she got the fucking hint. Stick to porking oil barons, ladies. Unless you form a band called Lindsay and the fire crotches, I continue to withold my support.
(*honorable mention: J-lo, Tara Reid, the sisters Huff, Nicole Ritchie)
#6: Chong Li
A last minute write in, no asshole battle would be proper without Chong motherfuckin Li. (For those who haven't seen Bloodsport, I'm so very sorry.) Not afraid to kill dudes in the ring, Chong Li was a bad guy that all others wished they could be. He fucked up Ogre from Revenge of The Nerds and then rocked his bandana on his leg. That's just wrong. He also threw chinese blinding powder in Van Damne's eyes which is not cool at all. These days I might applaud blinding Van Damne, but back in the day that shit was cold. Bolo young in real life is probably an asshole too, but I don't have any proof of that. All I know is Chong Li sets the bar high for all assholes to follow.
#7: Suri Cruise
Listen up, princess. Please do us all a favor and climb out of your diamond stroller for a hot second and show the world you actually exist. Nothing is more obnoxious than a no-show Hollywood diva. Maybe you didn't get the memo. As a celebrity, the public officially owns you. Trust me, having devil horns or a cyclops eye or whatever it is you are hiding is far better than the mushroom cloud of rumored gayness that is enveloping your father's career as a result of your reclusiveness. So for the sake of Tom and his spaceman church of delusion, please reveal yourself.
(*honorable mention: L. Ron Hubbard)
#8: Rupert Murdoch
Owns a huge chunk of Fox news. Now he owns Myspace. God help us all. I could bore you with details about why this guy is king of suck, but I don't feel like wading through the internet and I'm sure you all can illuminate me. I just know he's an asshole because the last time I saw that expression it was on the face of John Wayne Gacey when he dressed up like a clown for kids parties. Honestly, Rupert. Don't smile if it hurts to do it.
#9: Ann Coulter
Speaking of evil Republican clowns, I give you Ann Coulter. If the face of a dust bowl scarecrow doesn't scare you, maybe her forked tongue will:
"If we're so cruel to minorities, why do they keep coming here? Why aren't they sneaking across the Mexican border to make their way to the Taliban?"
Or this whammy:
"The ethic of conservation is the explicit abnegation of man's dominion over the Earth. The lower species are here for our use. God said so: Go forth, be fruitful, multiply, and rape the planet--it's yours. That's our job: drilling, mining and stripping. Sweaters are the anti-Biblical view. Big gas-guzzling cars with phones and CD players and wet bars -- that's the Biblical view."
Good Lord. Someone needs to tranq this bitch and lock her in a cage with the other hyaenas. But I really ought to thank her. She taught me that I was capable of so much more hate than I previously thought possible. Cheers.
So there you have it people..Now get out there and vote!!