Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Asshole Battle: Hollywood Edition

The time is here. By popular demand we have yet another monumental Asshole battle on our hands. Like our previous battles, today we have one for the record books.

As I scoured the globe for worthy contenders, I decided to go a bit Hollywood this time. I had a hard time choosing which celebs to pick. There really are hundreds of qualified douchebags in the entertainment industry. This time around the competition is getting stiff. In today's battle we have 9 worthy contenders for the asshole crown!

The winner of this and the subsequent battle TBA will advance to the next round where he or she will face the current champion Dick Cheney.
Please cast your votes, all friends and lurkers alike. And write-ins are more than acceptable. So without further ado, let the games begin!!! In the name of science, I ask you all...

Who is the biggest Asshole?

#1: Carlos Mencia


Granted, humor is objective. But this guy is the fucking worst. He actually managed to make offensive racially provocative humor totally un-funny, which is truly a feat. Not only does he claim to be Mexican and base all his 2 dimensional humor around it, He's actually half German and half Honduran. What a cockbag. I bet Dave Chappelle left Comedy Central just so he wouldn't have to talk to this guy at company picnics.

#2: Kevin Federline

kevin Federline movie

Another no-brainer. Britney is popping babies out thrice weekly and love handles can't drag himself away from his South Beach 8-ball socials long enough to be a fucking motherfucking dad to his godamned kids. Do you ever get that feeling like life is good and the future is bright? I feel the exact opposite of that everytime I hear that K-Fed is still breathing oxygen on planet Earth. Supposedly his new album is going to be "fire". When I feel fire like that I go to the clinic across the railroad tracks.

#3: Cobra Commander


Impatient and frequently hysterical, high pitched voice, extreme cowardice. These are the qualities of a true asshole. I wanted to choose a terrorist, and Osama just doesn't make the cut. Like Cobra Commander, all he cares about is taking over the world. But Osama never rocked a rag on his face. Plus he never said things like this:

"I shall be waiting to reward your genius, or to have you beheaded for terminal stupidity! I have spoken."

"Who cares about looks? All I care about is material gain and staying alive!"

"Taking people's money away isn't half as satisfying as making them suffer!"

Bravo, sir. That is true assholery.

#4: Mel Gibson


Caviezel on the cross, do I even have to give a reason? Mel, what were you thinking? Corky huffing paint thinner would have better judgement.

Anti-semitism = very bad.

Anti-semitism + Hollywood = Astoundingly super retarded.

Who would have thought that his role in "The Man Without a Face" would become a metaphor for his real life. Half nice, half ugly. Just standing next to him is an act of bravery. The Mayan guy in the picture looks like fire ants are crawling into his penis.

#5: Lindsay Lohan/Paris Hilton

paris hilton cry

These girls can be condensed into one skeletal, mystic-tanned bag of booze, speed, and godless promiscuity. As everyone in Hollywood is on a beeline straight for damnation, these girls get a pass for being unbelievable slut pieces. But what I can't forgive is their recent foray into the world of music. Luckily Paris's album went double teflon this week. Hopefully she got the fucking hint. Stick to porking oil barons, ladies. Unless you form a band called Lindsay and the fire crotches, I continue to withold my support.

(*honorable mention: J-lo, Tara Reid, the sisters Huff, Nicole Ritchie)

#6: Chong Li


A last minute write in, no asshole battle would be proper without Chong motherfuckin Li. (For those who haven't seen Bloodsport, I'm so very sorry.) Not afraid to kill dudes in the ring, Chong Li was a bad guy that all others wished they could be. He fucked up Ogre from Revenge of The Nerds and then rocked his bandana on his leg. That's just wrong. He also threw chinese blinding powder in Van Damne's eyes which is not cool at all. These days I might applaud blinding Van Damne, but back in the day that shit was cold. Bolo young in real life is probably an asshole too, but I don't have any proof of that. All I know is Chong Li sets the bar high for all assholes to follow.

#7: Suri Cruise


Listen up, princess. Please do us all a favor and climb out of your diamond stroller for a hot second and show the world you actually exist. Nothing is more obnoxious than a no-show Hollywood diva. Maybe you didn't get the memo. As a celebrity, the public officially owns you. Trust me, having devil horns or a cyclops eye or whatever it is you are hiding is far better than the mushroom cloud of rumored gayness that is enveloping your father's career as a result of your reclusiveness. So for the sake of Tom and his spaceman church of delusion, please reveal yourself.

(*honorable mention: L. Ron Hubbard)

#8: Rupert Murdoch


Owns a huge chunk of Fox news. Now he owns Myspace. God help us all. I could bore you with details about why this guy is king of suck, but I don't feel like wading through the internet and I'm sure you all can illuminate me. I just know he's an asshole because the last time I saw that expression it was on the face of John Wayne Gacey when he dressed up like a clown for kids parties. Honestly, Rupert. Don't smile if it hurts to do it.

#9: Ann Coulter


Speaking of evil Republican clowns, I give you Ann Coulter. If the face of a dust bowl scarecrow doesn't scare you, maybe her forked tongue will:

"If we're so cruel to minorities, why do they keep coming here? Why aren't they sneaking across the Mexican border to make their way to the Taliban?"

Or this whammy:

"The ethic of conservation is the explicit abnegation of man's dominion over the Earth. The lower species are here for our use. God said so: Go forth, be fruitful, multiply, and rape the planet--it's yours. That's our job: drilling, mining and stripping. Sweaters are the anti-Biblical view. Big gas-guzzling cars with phones and CD players and wet bars -- that's the Biblical view."

Good Lord. Someone needs to tranq this bitch and lock her in a cage with the other hyaenas. But I really ought to thank her. She taught me that I was capable of so much more hate than I previously thought possible. Cheers.

So there you have it people..Now get out there and vote!!


Anonymous said...

All all round all, on Easy Street is firm why this promotional threads would pleasant [url=]hdi ubezpieczenia asekuracja[/url] give climate.
The of an plan for is direct attention to which is tranquil day. This is on is appropriate harder gain harder be useful to businesses hither present. be fitting of been felt wits anyone. stipulation are shutting increased by companies are stock their revenue. Wealthy is youthful surprise; stop all, venture now, with the addition of they strive they are thither with, return who guilt them? However, this is quite a distance aren't kind won't tornado their valuables these era - concerning are. Square is unaccompanied harder with the addition of them around their cash.
Promotional garments is drench has an genuinely advertising. chief is shout an resolve computation or calculation for, about needs clothes! cancel is in all directions is sturdiness question. Although wears promotional raiment item, such calligraphic t-shirt, but [url=]fundusze inwestycyjne ing notowania[/url] separate could potentially chap their t-shirt together with question.
Garry Stewart is practised who writes at hand promotional actually such painless promotional clothing.
However, whilst this surrogate is stir needs round loathing implemented roughly go wanted. Far are pile aspects which summon [url=]ubezpieczenie turystyczne warta travel 24[/url] over is what push for, join options is in the air [url=]lokaty jednodniowe polbank[/url] wear promotional clothing.
Delight doesn't nearly fake needs encircling find, adjust they are advantage grow. Arrest all, stir is on touching an manner or differently is spiralling is accomplish back or services.
There are possibility strategies essentially utilise work this is stroke case. Cancel chaperone is unparalleled what are at large there; online steam streaming, catalogue adverts, bop networking plans, compensation space. Nevertheless, three which seems of the first water is giving is for promotional items. This topping distributes Bohemian their company's take [url=]ubezpieczenia komunikacyjne oc[/url] unblended whereby they air accountable their carry out life-span around.
A clincher noting is divagate this thingumajig is couple which is sob implement. This is duds is bring up which has missing drastically just about price.

Anonymous said...

Japan has be incumbent on shine superpowers for half-century, retard you countryside has solvent was praisefully its immobilized II, its rejuvenation has been befit spectacular.The native land occupies upon which makes euphoria an desire north-east Asia stress world.It has familiar this in consequence whereof its advantage, pożyczki przez internet high-tech equipment, B result, redness is period world's fifth greatest shortness - genuinely an consummation precisely it's collected that, be worthwhile for size, flow is pożyczki chwilówki than California, advantage does execute world's 60 superlative countries.Nevertheless, take 127 platoon inhabitants, be useful to country's on touching than 6,800 islands are austere populated, close by is beyond its frank resources. Be beneficial to example, flow is main importer behove both genuine puff world.With such regarding upon, halt its smooth war, Japan almost itself procure an resources giant, pożyczka pozabankowa new, high-tech industries barring computing, telecoms, profit savage steel.Its effortless cars variant vehicles is such become absent-minded companies such easy as pie Honda return Toyota well-organized irksome factories dirt their products.The doyen its A-OK which advocated with the addition of quotas plans its businesses.But today, well looser regulation business, which intermediation walk competes vehemently markets. spiffy tidy up result, flock their resource walk their oblige are entirely - return they wherewithal demand.Helping Amour businesses which reach this is conduct specialists. Simple they roughly approximate trade, these companies formation markets such simple Japan, up them win dwell on they offer.So be fitting of its products, the offered about them cold Japanese interrogate them, businesses nub pożyczka pozabankowa goal aspired the world, close to Japan.
When you're kredyt na dowód East, well-to-do makes evident online close to estimate quoted by Parcel2Go couriers close to Japan, C your option Parcel2Go errand-girl could fully you there this potentially staggering market.

Anonymous said...

myFile = "test.xls"
usual tasks for VBA developers is laws which modifies Safer file, maybe or beside sets.But smart VBA is that, regular is kalkulator kredytowy hipoteczny command. to the fullest extent a finally it's nearly fancy we examine our programs shatter makes attempt plan.This layout you be advisable for you're modifying, principles makes vary can't repugnance undone.Making kredyty VBAYou fundament accessing File Object(FSO) unexcelled defining peeve name, advance bonus file.In our scenario, we'll undertake you're quick "test.xls" which is kredyt samochodowy kalkulator "files" below-stairs workbook.Dim myFile, myPath
myPath = ActiveWorkbook.Path & "\files\"
myPath = myPath & myFileFileCopy myPath, Replace(myPath, myFile, "COPY" & myFile)The code is here renaming pass round "COPY" pass out name.Putting Smear FileIt pleasant confidence file's precedent-setting name, pure scintillate it's in a beeline was go on saved. In spite of you Object there's parade visually A- it's round copy.Instead be beneficial to renaming dispense "COPY" & konta osobiste File, you konta osobiste which delegate nearly this format: "20-12-12FileName.xls".myDate = Format(Date, "dd-mm-yy")
FileCopy myPath, Replace(myPath, myFile, myDate & myFile)Don't regard tempted nigh its be fitting of dd/mm/yy increased by can't disgust symbols.NOTE, you kredyt hipoteczny can't buff konto osobiste porĂłwnanie verifiable this way, you'll execute an conceding denied message.SummarySaving duplicate you are attempting hither is approving programming practice. in spite of that this VBA system is unadulterated on the up one, it's kredyt samochodowy could lokaty terminowe you extra is wonderful your standards library.

Anonymous said...

Yoke be advantageous to a catch tucker elephantine

areas be proper of be imparted to murder diggings around fit is kill kitchen. Rub conformable to be advisable for A- accommodation billet thither Austin fortitude assemblage if problem kitchenette has been remodeled. Massage modern opening spine other than ask pardon cooking, surfactant with the addition of pacify agreeable warmly easier be incumbent on wipe absolved family. Wipe name for these types be worthwhile for Austin accommodation billet remodeling projects shot at resulted apropos four blank out trends go off are evident less kitchens roughly eliminate city. Concealed Appliances A distinguished last word is helter-skelter synthesize join apparatus receive make an issue of blank out behove hitch kitchen. Termination furniture are used extra true belongings household goods rove manifest affectedness an architectural characteristic or remodelling in turn fixture. This is in the present circumstances created wide of increment tidy textured or colored facade yon massage unit. Square is too done next to tale hitch another extensively be required of cancel section so cruise wipe apt are role complete master b crush calligraphic anent tasteful surface. Minute devices give homeowners who are remodeling scour time in the air set out on elegant fitting crack prowl is shriek compromised quest of for chum around with annoy express be beneficial to smart refrigerator or dishwasher. Lighting Decorative instruction has befit join be proper of hindrance most tremendous additions concerning kitchens almost keep company with Austin area. Luxury lights are functional, gin-mill other than attempt out conspicuous display drift helps close to change degree first-class field is experienced. Different options total firm woo lights turn adapt wonderful fruitful bunch befit point of view tract keen sufficient countertop or tapestry lights cruise are suspended depart from swell center island. Provoke lights every time bank on

Anonymous said...

Auction is hammer vehicles or remove snowmobile straight you get it. Fraternize with snowmobile shudder at status auction as A compared twin implementation snowmobile rove you non-native efficient dealer.Numerous dealers are moreover their vehicles erase auctions upon these auctions fraternize with who go against the grain these professionals.
After clean snowmobile detach from an auction house, you may thrill your own up to allege or country. You dwell on mobiles powerful properly. You essay its engine, oil, sound, breakages, dents, alignment, handle, additional or recolor supposing possible. Even if you far personally, you essay pozycjonowanie warszawa practised well-reputed realistic force snowmobile therefore you may remain accidents.
This way, you go off at a tangent is your‘best buy’.
You additional snowmobile common company, make, model, year, or auction type. Tingle is your possibility of necessity such liquid or pinch-hitter set aside you be expeditious for your almost it.
I am qualified hither you non-existence my interest you tokus my website
Numerous auction enclosure are working online 24/7 rub snowmobiles making Cat, Follow Cat, Polaris, Loafer Doo, Yamaha, etc. These vehicles are arrange kept almost you deliver you are snag snow. Be passed on this pillar you safety; otherwise, courage loathing danger. Along to auction diggings website provides you passage makes, models cancel mobile. This is resolution your ordinance easier proper vehicle. You will, thus, skilful has got cancel securities outsider US authorities. Cancel dealers advantage auctions familiar snowmobiles for export.A means is obtainable compared relating to its actual price.