Shameless Self-Promotion & a Happy New Year

(pic via R3deyeJedi)

The Mantis here, just dropping by to wish everyone a Happy New Year (especially you, Recon), and to invite everyone to peep the blogginess over at my aging-raver, old-school hip hop, street art spot right here. I may start cross-posting between M4H and Mantisounds, partially because I'm lazy and it's easy to cut and paste HTML code, partially because people actually READ M4H and I'm trying to trick you all into viewing my blog, but mostly because the subject matter revolves around the music Recon and I used to eat, sleep, steal, dub, pop, lock, and exhale on our radio shows in college and in smoke-filled rooms, sweatbox clubs, and sleazy basements across America since those glory days of "higher" education.

Hey Japan, You're Doing It Wrong

Happy Holidays! Smiling giftings to all your family units. I truly hope all your Christmasing is double plus happiness.

(via here via Neatorama)

Merry Christmas, Unbeatable

It might not have Hoff, but it does have Ned Flanders and a shitload of bird dancing. If I was there I would be crying and hyperventilating from having so much vitamin awesome running through my gyrating body. But beware: bird dancing is not for the lighthearted. It's like eating a delicious sandwich made of fun and evil. It is truly a forbidden dance. PS: I think the kids in the background are planning their escape.

A Good Rule For Both Children And Adults.

My rules for life:

Rule 1: Never turn down a free meal.

Rule 2: Don't trust robots.
Rule 3: Don't mix Pop Rocks and soda. (Mikey R.I.P.)
Rule 4: Don't fight fucking bears.

Knock Knock

I finally figured out what to get Recon for Christmas.

The Hoff! That's what!

But, wait a second. Now, that I take a second look at that picture, something seems wrong. The Hoff isn't outside, he's inside. He's inside my house holding a creepy candle, smiling a creepier smile, staring at me outside shivering in the cold, and taunting me with my own presents. The Hoff and his Harry Potter scarf have stolen my identity!

(via eatliver)

A Question For The Ages..

Little known fact: In my real life job I am a scientist.

Well, not really. What I actually mean is that while not technically working in the field of science, I tend to think of "sciencey" things alot while doing the much more pointless tasks during my mundane life. So in a sense I'm like an unconventional freelance scientist. I'm kind of like one of those renegade science guys who wears Hawaiian shirts and solves mysteries, all the while flipping the bird to the establishment. Except I don't endorse the use of Hawaiian shirts outside of the Hawaiian islands..ever.

And it is the opinion of this scientist that science needs many more pointless studies and inquiries.

Keeping that in mind, I ask you in the name of science to please help me decide: Who has the more awkward smile?

Contestant #1: This fucking guy

The robotic mannequin-face of the shagged fellow on the left is quite possibly the most emotionless expression I've seen. How anyone can dress like a Ukrainian Isaac from the Love Boat and not hyperventilate from laughing at themselves is beyond me. It's a bit unsettling how frozen in fear he looks. Look closely: there is definitely pain and anguish behind those blank eyes. If I was a therapist and saw him walk in to my office I'd go "cha-ching!" inside my head and immediately high-five my receptionist.

Contestant #2: The Dark Lord

Only those who have attained rank of supreme master of darkness can render that grimace without their face caving in from the power of its evil..and this guy can. Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face and got an apology, yells slurs at babies, and parks in the handicapped spots at the mall. He also can set fires with his mind, which he frequently uses to start forest fires. The idea of displacing all those innocent woodland creatures excites him.

But what he does best is wield the power of the awkward smile. Look at that face. His expression could easily be viewed as a scream of murderous rage. What a fucking psycho. He looks like he's choking a puppy off camera.

Contestant #3: This other fucking guy

Last but not least, we have this clown. The grand master of the awkward smile, he is my pick for the one to beat. He looks like he's just been told a joke in a language he doesn't understand but laughs anyway to not feel uncomfortable. How do you even begin to make a face like that. It's as if he learned to smile by looking at pictures of dead people. It's not human like. It's like the face an animal makes when you put a hat on it and take its picture. I bet he was raised by wild dogs.

So there you have it..Who do you think has the most awkward smile?

Wood: 1, Giant Douche Bag: 0

I suck at some things alot. For instance, I'm probably at the mathematical skill level of a toddler. And not just any toddler. A toddler that eats paint chips and lives under industrial power lines. I use my cell phone calculator more than my actual phone. I still count with my fingers like a little kid. It's pretty god damn embarrassing. I also feel that the many features of my cell phone are slowly making me retarded. But I'm getting off topic.

What I wanted to talk about was sucking. Now as I am to math, the gentleman you are about to see is to the martial arts. I went to a karate birthday party when I was like 11 and I wasn't this bad. He fucking sucks. He really couldn't be more unbelievably awful at breaking boards. And the reason I think that this is truly genius television is because we might be witnessing the single most embarrassing moment of his entire life. Watch and see.

But in the end, you really can't help but admire his dedication. This guy gets an A for effort. I can just see him cruising in his Mom's Ford Taurus with his homeboys rocking his superfresh mixptapes till the speakers distort. Besides his daily regiment of Madonna and Bon Jovi, he also enjoys Europe's "The Final Countdown", "Push It To The Limit" from Scarface, "You're The Best Around" from Karate Kid, and the smoking techno soundtrack of Mortal Kombat: the movie. It takes powerful songs to get him pumped up to go to karatetown. But let's not kid ourselves. In order to walk along the razor's edge, you can't look down. You just gotta keep your head..or you'll be finished.

Retro Future Visions

Dark Roasted Blend has got a wicked collection of retro futuristic art you gotta check out. After looking at them, here are some basic rules I gleaned for predicting the future circa 1950-70's:

1: Communists are still up to no good. The only difference: their evil is much more futuristic.

2: In the future, everything is made of lasers or Nerf.

3: If not metallic and shiny, all colors in the future look like the aftermath of a massive explosion at Jim Henson's workshop.

4: People of the future have a total boner for the Moon.

And I love the fact that so many visions of the future are so amazingly inaccurate. while clicking through the pics, I found this totally boss 1979 imagineering of the "living room of the future":

(click pic for large image)

Incidentally, I want every thing that guy has in his living room for Christmas, including the stupid-fresh Mork meets B-Boy unisuit he's rocking. So Jive.

Check out the whole collection..and definitely make sure you troll the year 2000 flickr pool..

(click pic for more retro-futurism!)

And check out Part 2 HERE..

The Award For Most Disturbing Holiday Card Goes to..

Dear God, that isn't right at all. That takes the cake as the most unsettling thing I've seen this holiday season. And just for the record, today I saw a homeless guy partially dressed like Santa who was nodding off on heroin and standing in the middle of the sidewalk moaning.

(via yayhooray)

Holy Shit.

Letting bionic ninjas into the League was a really good idea.

(via Yayhooray)

Jessica, This Isn't The Nerd You're Looking For

(via Yayhooray)

Jump Back, Wanna Kiss Myself

It's hard to know anything these crazy days. But one thing I know for sure: James Brown is dancing in heaven.

(via WFMU)

If you are still looking for the perfect gift...

then look no further! Holy effing christ. These things are so unbelievably boss. God, I feel so bad for the models. Just look at their dead eyes. If they had been coerced into doing violent goat porn they probably wouldn't feel as degraded as they did after this shoot.

Here's a neat fact: the wonder sauna pants also can be used as an extremely dangerous flotation device for the pool. Perfect for killing yourself and still making sure that your legs get nice and tan.

(via the ODK)

Osama Is A Rapper.

Ah, Osama. Your ways are reprehensible. But I must give it to you: Your rap game is stupendous.

Talking to Mantis the other night, I was reminded of this theory I have that Osama Bin Laden is the greatest rapper alive. Think about it. He has all the characteristic of a rap superstar. When he drops a verse, everyone stands at attention. When he puts out a new tape the world goes crazy. And while staying underground, he still manages to represent on a global stage. He's like the Jay-Z of terrorism. Allow me to explain:

Reason #1: The video is strictly gangster

Nothing says "quality" like a fresh Al-Qaeda video. He doesn't need boobs, bottles, or Bentleys. He doesn't even need good production values or decent lighting. His videos are filmed in a cave with a fucking Ak-47 in the background. That's a 6.9 on the superthug scale. He also rocks camo which does wonders for his street cred.

Reason #2: He keeps is underground

Rappers these days are all about keeping things certain ways. They talk about keeping it street, they keep it hood, keep it gangsta, keep it fresh, keep it gully, and of course, keep it underground. Well Osama has got to be the most underground rapper of all time. He's so underground he's actually inside the ground. He lives in caves that US spy planes and satellites can't even see. No rapper has ever kept it so real.

Reason #3: His crew get their props as well

Every proper rap superstar has a crew of sub-par mc's surrounding them. So naturally when Osama gives them their props, immediate notoriety soon follows. Take for example, Zarqawi. One mention of him by OBL and Zarqawi is on the map. He starts putting out his own tapes, next thing you know he's the biggest buzz in Iraq. Not unlike the great Dr. Dre and his numerous proteges, Bin Laden always has love for his crew.

(fig. A: Osama's click. Note: rocking guns in your video is so hot right now.)

Reason #5: All he needs is one mic

We can all admit this guy spits fire. Jihadtastic verses. A true MC should be able to freestyle at the drop of a hat. Osama can surely freestyle. But unlike some other MC's, Osama doesn't even need a beat. He spits acapella on every one his tapes. That's skills pure and simple.

Reason #6: Braggadocio:

MC's brag, it's part of the art of rap. Al-Qaeda claims responsibility for all kinds of things, and when they aren't busy bragging about all the ill shit they've done they talk smack to everybody. That's battle rap.

Reason #7: Beef

Forget East Coast vs. West Coast. OBL has beef with The entire Western world. That's alot of diss tracks he's got to write. Think of George Bush as Ja Rule and Osama as 50 Cent and you get the gist of it.

Reason #8: hoes in different area codes

Clearly the ladies love him. He's reported to have married five women and divorced two. They don't call him Osama baby mama drama for nothing.

Reason #9: He's an entrepreneur:

Not only does he raps, he produces as well. Not many know he is a seasoned keyboard player and has played along side some of the legends of rock and pop over the years. Soon to come on the horizon: Vitamin water, clothing line, and ringtones.

In case any of you forgot how ridiculous MC Hammer's pants were..

Really. Just absurd.

12 Days Of Kitschmas

I can't figure out what I want for Christmas. It's always so hard to decide. I'd wish I could ask for vacation as a present. Or get a robot slave I could deploy to work for me while I head to the casino for some had earned rest. Or this amazing Pac-Man retro sculpture. But until I'm rich or robots become a reality, I'm stuck looking for good books and the new Ipod lasergun Apple is likely putting out in time for the capitalistic feeding frenzy going down in the next few weeks.

This list has some awesome gifts that might inspire you. Check out the hip flask bible, perfect for any God hating boozebag you know and love. My favorite is biker Jesus. (And the other models in the Christ action series are simply fantastic. ) But honestly, is there really any sexier way to mock the heavens than by wearing a thong of praise?

(click pic for more!)

(via MonkeyFilter)

Mr. Bucket

This commercial sells a living bucket that begs you to put your balls in his mouth. Filthy, Mr. Bucket. Absolutely filthy. Last time an adult asked a kid that question he got to meet Chris Hanson and the Dateline NBC camera crew.

(Thanks Kuru!)

Vader Meets Coming To America

Some parts of this are so awesome. But really, how can you go wrong combining two of the greatest movies of all time? James Earl Jones's "Ahaa!" is killing me. I'm going to start doing that as much as possible until I annoy the shit out myself or someone rolls their eyes and asks me politely to stop.

(via Transbuddha)

Hi, Bear. Bye, Bear.

Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians

Sorry I've been off the grid, I'm really lazy. For the sake of entertainment let's just say that I was traveling to the east in search of the elusive Yeti (which some TV crew actually might have just found evidence of.) On the same subject, check out this website of men who look like old lesbians. My pick? It's a toss up..Bruce Jenner is in a neck and neck race with Lance Burton for the title of champion of old lesbian face.

(click pic for site!)

Poor Baby

Why is it so damn entertaining to watch the head shaking disgust of these babies? Whatever the reason, it's even more amusing to think that these kids parents get a kick out of it too. If I had a kid, I'd definitely make him eat lemons for every house guest and family friend that came by. One stupendous whammy face, coming up.

(via milkandcookies)

More Connect 4

An instant classic.

(via eatliver)

China on the Mic

If slang has taught me anything, it's that pimpin' is easy, Chinese math is hard and you've got to keep it real.

So, what happens when Chinese pimps try to keep it real? Is it easy or hard? Luckily, I stumbled onto this documentary which answered this question and so much more.

(via neatorama)

Style of the Day

In the heady days of the 80's, fashion designers used colors that have never been used before or since. These days, one rarely sees clothing so majestically displays sock or the location of the knees. Another temporal phenomenon unique to that time was the singular excitement that girls got from "sporting" a side pony tail. Hey, everyone! My head is disturbingly asymetric!

(via adflip)

Picture Of The Day

Walken SNL- Connie Stinson Talks

I've been looking for this clip for a long time.. apparently after it originally aired it was subsequently pulled from all re-runs. After watching it I can see why. Walken says the things in this. What he calls the audience is so funny I almost peed my nerdpants.

Rap Represented In Charts And Graphs

(click pic for more!)

(thanks Ted!)

David Elsewhere - Detours

Check out the original rubber band man David Elsewhere doing his thing in this clip from the movie "Detours". His robot is so fucking good it's like a robot doing the robot.

Children, You're Doing It Wrong

Brainfuzz.

Yes monkeys, I have writers block. (shout outs to Unbeatable and Ms. Q..this blog would be Patrick Swayze in Ghost if it wasn't for you these past weeks).Writer's block is funny. Especially because I usually say almost nothing. So I figured I'd write the blockage away by attempting this experiment in stream of consciousness. Don't worry, this blog won't become a sounding board for my face-punchingly boring existence. Just think of it like a poorly executed stand-up routine with no good jokes or awesome puppets. The only puppet is me.

So here are some things I thought of recently:

I think the dark Side of the moon is up to something sinister.

Sometimes I thank God that the hacky sack is no longer popular.

Call me a fat dreamer, but someone should have a stand where they sell McDonald's fries and Burger King's burgers.

Osama Bin Laden is like a baby pigeon. You know he's out there, but you sure as hell can't find him. Also, pigeons hate America.

Question: What do Goths do on Halloween? I bet whatever they do, they pout while doing it.

Mickey Rooney is still alive and that is fucking insane.

Historical figure who I wish I could have a fist fight with: Thomas Edison. He invented electricity, which is the thing that powers my 24-hour a day air condioning habit, which is the reason I pay a small fortune for power. So I hold a huge grudge against him. Screw you, Edison. Any time, any place, you old dead bastard.

I met a stutterer the other day and subconsciously began to stutter in response to his stutteringness. I bet God thinks I'm an asshole.

Speaking of assholes, doesn't Eva Longoria look like a Gelfling from The Dark Crystal? That movie scared the shit out of me as a child. I also thought I was a robot and ate pennies, so that isn't saying much.

This is how to properly shake hands:

This is a haircut that could overthrow evil regimes:

which would look fabulous with colorful stretch terry coordinates:

This is how to punch a snake:

This is how not to make a cake:



This is why politicians are fake:



And this my friends, is the Fatman and Jake.



Any questions?

The Funniest Generation

You've got to hand it to the Brits; They're the jedi masters of skit comedy. Here's a hot little number from Armstrong and Miller that manages to make both WWII and amputation hilarious.

(via milkandcookies)

I Gotta Be Me

The thought of this woman's descendants doing a double take when they see this ad gave me an extra spring in my step today.


She's wasting her family's inheritance merely by advertising that she's wasting their inheritance. Your keen sense of irony is not lost on me, ma'am. I salute you.

(via eatliver)

Eat Meat

Hip hop is the music of a thousand uses. Case in point, notice how well a simple drum beat and a little rhyming sell the flesh of pig and cow.

They had me at moo. I also like how the employees at this Meat-a-tarium don't pay any attention to what they're doing.

WAVE FOR CATFISH!!!

He's Dead Jim

In the spirit of messing with future generations, I present to you the Star Trek casket:



It's a hot item for people who're looking for some sweet afterlife nerd props or who take comfort in the knowledge that younger family members will feel pretty damn awkward attending their open casket funeral. Furthermore, I think that we, as a people, should promote more activities like this one in the hopes of confusing the shit out of the archaeologists of the future.

(via boing boing and eternal image)

Hi! My name is... Ms Q!

If Recon is the balls, then I'm the vagina.

Another train ride. Another faceless arm touching your arse through the crowd. Never mind everybody else - what is so urgent for you at home that you work 14hr days only to rush home in a frenzy and add to the disgruntled public transport statistic? This bastardised government won't listen to you. Nor will the next. Delayed supply for the rising demand.

The elderly couple who just wanted to ride into Circular Quay for a quiet meal are being jostled and have no option but to hover dangerously close to an infected metal handrail in the middle because they're afraid to venture to either of the split compartments. They hold hands not just because they're in love, but because we are terrifying. white/black/yellow - we are their terrorists. We, in our hoarding "Noughties" OMGWTFBBQ mental-masturbating bubbles, decide whether we will part the Tangara Sea, allowing them to alight at their destination or not. That sort of power is dangerous, yoyoma!

Preggo looking nauseous, bent over backwards while her unborn kicks blissfully and unknowingly into her bladder. Be kind or she'll kick your face off. She has absolutely every right to if she is standing in a train carriage full of able-bodied people. She is far more valuable than any of us, and deserves respect.

The rest. Them. You. Raising your iPods to the sky in a cement tunnel is ridiculous - technology may be fast, but no iPod needs coverage. If they do and I'm unaware, then your iPod is lame for not working in a cement tunnel - get a refund, you Muppet. Listening to it at maximum volume doesn't make you cool, it just annoys the hell out of us. To those that sing along - quit it. To those that speak loudly on their mobiles - quit it. To those men and women who swear obnoxiously - quit it.
Swearing is uncouth, base, and unattractive. shitfuckballsackvaginacuntcuntmotherfuckingcunt.

Gravity-defying hair with thanks to hair product = 2001.

BRING BACK PERT 2-in-1 THEN LET THE ELEMENTS HAVE AT IT!
The cutest photos we all have are from early primary school,
when we didn't know what "hair product" was. Coincidence?
People remember shitty hair.


Who am I? I'm one of Them. I'm just like you. Wait. I dress better. /joke/



Back to basics. Drop the ego. Work back some karma. Manners. Common sense. Common decency. Respect. When was the last time you did your one (1) selfless good deed for the day? (Re?)Start. It's good for the soul.

Your possessions do not make you.

You are part of the problem. You spend each and every day enduring, existing, entropic. You bitch and moan about everything around you when you can flip it and pull yourself out of this shit. Nobody promised you sunshine and farts without you having to work for it.

Tired.
Overworked.
Underpaid.

We all are, Mate.

Change what you do or keep letting what you do change you.

chinesewhisperspurplemonkeydishwasherpraisebetoALF
PASS IT ON
PASS IT ON
PASS IT ON

/flashrant311007

(dropped over several train lines - no suitcase? no bomb!)

Picture Of The Day

This picture is proof that the 1950's were incredibly strange. Notice the father is wearing a shirt and tie. Yet he's also wearing a robe. What the fuck is going on. Are we to believe he sleeps business casual? Did he stay up all night smoking cigarettes and popping amphetamines with his buddies from the office? It's all so confusing. PS: His face scares me.

(via VintageAds)

Fonejacker

Fucking brilliant prank calls. Check these out:


"Doovde"



"Upgradings"

Indian Kung Fu Is The New Black

I have a confession to make: I'm in love with a fight scene from an unknown Indian movie. But before you judge me, please realize that this fight scene taught me so many valuable lessons. It taught me that absolutely nothing is impossible. It showed me that people can do anything they put their minds to, even fly. And most importantly, it showed me that the best way to finish a Boss off is with an upside-down, flying Three Stooges combo to the face.

Note: make sure you wait for the victory dance at the end. I almost fucking cried.

New Blood On Falcon Turf

I'll level with you. This video from after school special "Ace Hits The Big Time" is quite possibly the worst thing I've ever seen. In it we find Ace (played by that kid from Mr. Belvedere) looking out the window to see that notorious suburban gang the Falcons are outside waiting to teach him a lesson. Ace is afraid of the Falcons, a gang as famous for their cruelty as they are for their devotion to colorful choreography. They are truly terrifying in ways that an actual gang filled with murderers and criminal toughs could never be. They taunt Ace with awful lyrics and painful melodies. They flaunt their love of purple by kicking him with their color-coordinated sneakers. And they dance an evil dance, with moves so godless they should be persecuted for even attempting them.

This video is also a powerful commentary on the sociology of the innocent bystander effect. Notice Ace's neighbors who watch him get a flamboyant pummeling and do absolutely nothing. What a cruel world.

(via gorillamask)

Fall Classic

In honor of the crushing victory by the Red Sox in game 1 of the world series, I present to you the Red Sox logo circa 1951-1960.



Hands backwards, giant chin, bandanna, weird mush for feet, eye rending clash off colors. It has it all.