Get to work, you lousy chimps.

Damn, it's been a bit. Since my last post (the one where I promised to write more) I've been on a series of exciting adventures. And by exciting adventures I actually mean unexciting, non-adventures. The fact is, I'm stupid. Stupid like a Basset Hound on Heroin. Stupid, handsome, and extremely fun to be with. But stupid. There's truly no excuse for me not being here. The fact is the monkeys and I are engaged in spirited negotiations over contracts and past wage issues. They want air conditioning and a Foosball table. They also demand to not be chained to their desktops 15 hours a day. Those filthy little bastards. So today I managed to tear myself away from GTA 4 long enough to grant them their unreasonable demands. I suppose I have to give them what they want so the stupid continues to flow properly here on M4H.

I miss you, internet. Let's never be apart again. That being said, here's some top notch randomness the monkeys and I have been kicking around the office...

This is how to pose like a pimp.

This is how to be a pimp.

This is a mustache.

This is Kan.

This is Science.

This is Slater.

This is a show that needs to come back on the air...(movie coming soon?)

This is how you make a grown man yelp like a little girl.

This is how Steven Seagal becomes The Cockpuncher.

This is how to be presidential.

This is how to be old and awesome while reenacting famous Vietnam photos.

This is the proper finishing move when fighting a midget in short shorts.

This is how you make a movie.

This is how you unleash the motherfucking moonwalk.

And finally, we have these assholes.

Look at them. They're so Christmas they shit tinsel.

What does this button do..

I haven't posted in a while. I just got a new computer, and the truth is I'm still trying to figure out how this modern marvel of science and electronic wonders works. My last computer was a few days away from being a certified old-school throwback. It was really fucking old. 8 years at least. I could have paid a skinny kid with a moped ten bucks and handful of ritalin to go and fetch me information faster. But now it seems I have entered the future.

I couldn't feel more like a Time Traveler. The lightning dork with the eye twitch at Best Buy who sold me this mystery box of laser power didn't adequately prepare me for what I was getting into. I am amazed that when you actually click the mouse, something opens. Not to mention it totally floors me to find out that eight seconds is not the typical wait time for opening a file. And the Internet? Please. Carrier pigeons would be easier to fetch and train than it was to check my email a week ago. So now that I have this beast of a desktop, what the hell should I do with it? Write more, for one. And hopefully land a job I would kick ass at like this...

But as Bill Shakespeare once said, there is so much more to life than sitting and nerding. I feel like the weather is inspiring me to get out there and reach for the stars. (Not literally. I'm more of a pointer than a reacher.)

I really want to make time to see friends..

Maybe give out some hugs..

Get my sports on...



Grow out my summer mustache..

Break out the fresh gear..

Enjoy nature...

Stay cool..

And of course..rock out.

More to come this week...

Not the Face

I've never seen anyone look so happy at the prospect of an impending face mauling. But seriously, who slipped that dog a mickey of speed laced with rabies.

There's a fine line between hilarious and bone chilling and that line has something to do with being hit in the face.


I love how the catcher is so not even close to catching the ball and how stoked the other guy is to be scoring while a member of the other team can do nothing but sustain an injury. His obvious joy makes the failure that much sweeter.

(via failblog)

Let’s stand strong like the Tokyo Tower!

I felt like I was dreaming an awful and beautiful dream watching this clip. It's called "Boom Boom Wonderland". And even though it sounds like the secret brothel at HongKong Disneyland, it's an actual "song". That also contains "rap".

Bear witness as lazy-eyed aerobics Svengali and part time cult status celebrity Billy Blanks engages in a truly godless combination of Tae Bo, high NRG Japanese techno and gifted wordplay.

The set is bewildering. It looks like Commander Billy rented Daft Punk's lighting and used to rest of his petty cash to hire the extras from The Fast And The Furious: Tokyo Drift to sing accompaniment (spoiler: they fail miserably.)

Sing along if you dare. As an added bonus, you don't have to leave your chair to lose weight. You are guaranteed to shed at least 3 pounds when your brain explodes trying to understand what in the name of Jack fucking LaLane is going on.

(via Japanprobe)

Bodyguard for hire

The Mona Lisa smile isn't fooling anyone, sir. We all know you can destroy worlds with mere thoughts. Kudos on the mild mannered act. But the forces of evil know your true secret.

(via yayhooray)

Give The Drummer Some...Xanax

I know I tend to exaggerate, but friends I can honestly say that I would marry Satan himself if I could get this band to do the reception. Wait till you get a load of the drummer. He is to drums as husky nerds are to Renaissance fairs. He moves like Rain man and plays like Keith Moon. Like a sandwich of perfect with slices of fucking awesome in it. And he couldn't be a bigger ham for the spotlight. Not even a Korean Charles Bronson playing Santana riffs dressed like a Love Boat waiter can steal his immortal rock thunder. He either absolutely fucking adores lounge music, or he's on ecstasy. One way or another, we all win.

(via popurls)

If Vince McMahon and the animal folks got along..

KD and Matty, this one's for you.

(via yayhooray)

Chiru/Obama '08

Mr. Chiranjeevi, you really are something special. I keep finding movies of yours that make me feel like Indian Disco monkeys are kicking me in the head. You are probably just about the best godamned person walking the Earth today. Except I bet you aren't walking. You are probably dancing in a field, punching and/or kicking someone, or flying in reverse while synthesizers highlight your retro-Eastern shenanigans with bleeps, bloops, and digital whistling.

Peep the first half of this video..it looks like it was made by a clan of Indian hermits who spend their days doing mescaline, working on their trampoline routines, and analyzing footage from "The Gods Must Be Crazy" and Benny Hill episodes. Take a second and listen to the soundtrack: Doesn't it sound like The Little Mermaid meets Seinfeld?

After melting your synapses together, check the second half of the video and watch Chiru getting his sing song dance on in classic Bollywood style and grace. Enjoy.

More of Chiru's greatest hits and other assorted Bollwood goodness on m4h H E R E..