Monday, October 15, 2007

I'm Kind Of Totally Afraid Of The Dentist


So this weekend I had a consultation with an orthodontic surgeon, and I guess I have to have a wisdom tooth pulled in a few weeks. And between us, I couldn't be more of a scared little baby-man about the idea of someone ripping the bone out my head.

I've never had any kind of surgery, cavity, broken bone, or any kind of medical procedure. So as common as this is, I'm totally shook. I'm definitely getting the IV treatment. Knock me the fuck out. No way I can be conscious for this. I will totally kick a nurse in the chest if I begin to panic. And the conversation with the dentist didn't make me rest any easier.

First of all, this guy was slick. He moved quickly from handshake into explanation of the procedure, and didn't maintain eye contact for more than a few seconds. He was good. But I didn't trust him.

Me: So I'm a little afraid, I've never had anything at all done before...

Dentist: Don't worry, it'll be just like a Saturday afternoon nap. You won't remember anything.

(FYI: I recall alot of naps over the last 30 years of my life, but I never remember waking up from one with dull throbbing pain in the side of my face and a gaping hole inside my head. So it's actually less like a nap, and more like a violent alien abduction.)

Me: Yeah, I'd really like to be unconscious.

Dentist: I understand. No problem. A lot of people don't like the sounds..the..grinding..and what not.

(That comment wasn't unsettling or anything.)

Me: Yeah. grinding and things like grinding make me kind of..uncomfortable.

Dentist: It's ok, we'll take care of you, you won't hear anything..oh, and there is a slight chance..I just have to tell you this for the record.. that the procedure might cause you to get a hole in your sinus. but it's no big deal, and it's only a 2 percent chance.

Me: That sounds awful! A hole?

Dentist: Don't worry. You'll be fine, nothing to worry about.

(If by "nothing" he meant "a hole inside my skull/face" then I will in fact proceed directly to "worried.")

Some other stuff was said, but it's a blur. Then he wisked me out into the waiting room, all the while using advanced doctor magic that bewildered me into feeling calm. But once I left, the calm wore off.

The jury's out on this "Dentist" character. I don't trust him. He's too slick to be a nice person. He has the omnious charisma of a coffin salesman.

I truly have a fear that I'll wake up and hear the instruments of doom working away on me and will be thrown into an adrenaline-fueled berzerker panic. A tragic ballet of violent comedy will ensue.

I know, I'm a wuss. Any advice to help me not be such a fucking baby is truly appreciated. Cheers.

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