Monkeys For Helping

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Hi! My name is... Ms Q!

If Recon is the balls, then I'm the vagina.

Another train ride. Another faceless arm touching your arse through the crowd. Never mind everybody else - what is so urgent for you at home that you work 14hr days only to rush home in a frenzy and add to the disgruntled public transport statistic? This bastardised government won't listen to you. Nor will the next. Delayed supply for the rising demand.

The elderly couple who just wanted to ride into Circular Quay for a quiet meal are being jostled and have no option but to hover dangerously close to an infected metal handrail in the middle because they're afraid to venture to either of the split compartments. They hold hands not just because they're in love, but because we are terrifying. white/black/yellow - we are their terrorists. We, in our hoarding "Noughties" OMGWTFBBQ mental-masturbating bubbles, decide whether we will part the Tangara Sea, allowing them to alight at their destination or not. That sort of power is dangerous, yoyoma!

Preggo looking nauseous, bent over backwards while her unborn kicks blissfully and unknowingly into her bladder. Be kind or she'll kick your face off. She has absolutely every right to if she is standing in a train carriage full of able-bodied people. She is far more valuable than any of us, and deserves respect.

The rest. Them. You. Raising your iPods to the sky in a cement tunnel is ridiculous - technology may be fast, but no iPod needs coverage. If they do and I'm unaware, then your iPod is lame for not working in a cement tunnel - get a refund, you Muppet. Listening to it at maximum volume doesn't make you cool, it just annoys the hell out of us. To those that sing along - quit it. To those that speak loudly on their mobiles - quit it. To those men and women who swear obnoxiously - quit it.
Swearing is uncouth, base, and unattractive. shitfuckballsackvaginacuntcuntmotherfuckingcunt.

Gravity-defying hair with thanks to hair product = 2001.

BRING BACK PERT 2-in-1 THEN LET THE ELEMENTS HAVE AT IT!
The cutest photos we all have are from early primary school,
when we didn't know what "hair product" was. Coincidence?
People remember shitty hair.

Who am I? I'm one of Them. I'm just like you. Wait. I dress better. /joke/

Back to basics. Drop the ego. Work back some karma. Manners. Common sense. Common decency. Respect. When was the last time you did your one (1) selfless good deed for the day? (Re?)Start. It's good for the soul.

Your possessions do not make you.

You are part of the problem. You spend each and every day enduring, existing, entropic. You bitch and moan about everything around you when you can flip it and pull yourself out of this shit. Nobody promised you sunshine and farts without you having to work for it.

Tired.
Overworked.
Underpaid.

We all are, Mate.

Change what you do or keep letting what you do change you.

chinesewhisperspurplemonkeydishwasherpraisebetoALF
PASS IT ON
PASS IT ON
PASS IT ON

/flashrant311007

(dropped over several train lines - no suitcase? no bomb!)

posted at 4:37 AM by Ms Q
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Monday, October 29, 2007

Picture Of The Day

This picture is proof that the 1950's were incredibly strange. Notice the father is wearing a shirt and tie. Yet he's also wearing a robe. What the fuck is going on. Are we to believe he sleeps business casual? Did he stay up all night smoking cigarettes and popping amphetamines with his buddies from the office? It's all so confusing. PS: His face scares me.

(via VintageAds)

Labels: pictures

posted at 11:31 PM by Recon
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Fonejacker

Fucking brilliant prank calls. Check these out:

"Doovde"

"Upgradings"

Labels: telephone shenanigans

posted at 11:13 PM by Recon
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Sunday, October 28, 2007

Indian Kung Fu Is The New Black

I have a confession to make: I'm in love with a fight scene from an unknown Indian movie. But before you judge me, please realize that this fight scene taught me so many valuable lessons. It taught me that absolutely nothing is impossible. It showed me that people can do anything they put their minds to, even fly. And most importantly, it showed me that the best way to finish a Boss off is with an upside-down, flying Three Stooges combo to the face.

Note: make sure you wait for the victory dance at the end. I almost fucking cried.

Labels: our trampoline fighting technique is unstoppable.

posted at 5:07 PM by Recon
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New Blood On Falcon Turf

I'll level with you. This video from after school special "Ace Hits The Big Time" is quite possibly the worst thing I've ever seen. In it we find Ace (played by that kid from Mr. Belvedere) looking out the window to see that notorious suburban gang the Falcons are outside waiting to teach him a lesson. Ace is afraid of the Falcons, a gang as famous for their cruelty as they are for their devotion to colorful choreography. They are truly terrifying in ways that an actual gang filled with murderers and criminal toughs could never be. They taunt Ace with awful lyrics and painful melodies. They flaunt their love of purple by kicking him with their color-coordinated sneakers. And they dance an evil dance, with moves so godless they should be persecuted for even attempting them.

This video is also a powerful commentary on the sociology of the innocent bystander effect. Notice Ace's neighbors who watch him get a flamboyant pummeling and do absolutely nothing. What a cruel world.

(via gorillamask)

Labels: You're going to look like cooked spaghetti

posted at 3:44 PM by Recon
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Thursday, October 25, 2007

Fall Classic

In honor of the crushing victory by the Red Sox in game 1 of the world series, I present to you the Red Sox logo circa 1951-1960.

Hands backwards, giant chin, bandanna, weird mush for feet, eye rending clash off colors. It has it all.

Labels: disgusting logo

posted at 10:53 AM by the unbeatable kid
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Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Picture Of The Day

ROFL!!!!!!!

(via boingboing)

Labels: pictures

posted at 11:08 PM by Recon
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La Bionda - I Wanna Be Your Lover

Sometimes a band comes around that possesses that special something. These guys got that something.They are a musical tour de force of total fucking bossness. Check out La Bionda, Italian Disco's answer to the question, "Wouldn't it be great if there was a band that wielded the awesome like flaming ninja stars?" God these guys are fresh. Forget the banging Italian electro soundtrack, or the sexy retro outerspace theme. You should watch this because one guy looks like Ray Romano with a Playmobil haircut and the other guy looks a Mediterranean Gallagher impersonator. But with all their apparent differences, they somehow manage to meet in the middle by looking like caterers for a coke baron's 1982 yacht party.

(via WFMU)

Labels: The guy with the mustache looks exactly like my old landlord

posted at 10:30 PM by Recon
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Like They Do It In Harlem

Oh man, I got this infectious tune lodged inside my brain. It's like a mini-monkey banging on my eardrums with awesome sticks. Peep the Andrews Sisters getting the hip-hop treatment. If Timberland went back to 1945 and did a USO gig for the troops, this is what it would sound like.

(PCL Linkdump)

Labels: old timey sing-songy singing, rappipty raphop

posted at 10:01 PM by Recon
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Sunday, October 21, 2007

Picture Of The Day

Seriously, who follows a "Hooray" with a period? That's serious sarcasm. They really shouldn't have made this. Even Benji has a look of reluctance and he's a fucking dog.

Labels: pictures

posted at 11:59 PM by Recon
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Chiranjeevi Can Do No Wrong

God I love this guy. The great and powerful Chiru has once again floored me. After urging his audience to clap, Chiru rewards them with a glimpse of his hypnotic dance styles and potent mustache power. Once the Indian electro came in I was hooked..and when he broke out the motherfucking Frankenstein I began to feel my face fall off. This looks like the inner workings of my brain when I eat ice cream, win the lottery, and hallucinate simultaneously. Perfect.

(peep more Chiru clips here, here, and here. )

Labels: Bollywood

posted at 11:59 PM by Recon
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The Claw!

Labels: Villains Crossing

posted at 11:57 PM by Recon
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Super Timor!

This old big spray ad from the Ivory Coast put me in such a good mood. I wish I had bugs around just so I could spray them and do a happy reggae dance in my living room. Never has something associated with death made me more thirsty for an umbrella drink and a beach to chill on. Cheers to you, guy who looks like Sam Jackson in Pulp Fiction. I'd drink that spray if it made me half as cool as you.

Labels: Bugs don't stand a chance against sexy music

posted at 11:52 PM by Recon
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Seagulls Enjoy Petty Crime

I felt bad for the birds below, so thought I'd share this. Just think of the humorous mischief and various acts of bird justice that would occur if he got together with Karate chicken...

Labels: The humans will fall..one bag of fritos at a time

posted at 11:39 PM by Recon
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My Babys Fell Down the Well

UPDATE! Thanks to the overwhelming disgust that resulted from this picture I've researched and discovered that the baby ducks were rescued from the drain. The whole thing happened in Shrewsbury and the RSPCA (Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruety to Animals) reports that the precious little darlings are back with their mother.

(via dailycognition)

Labels: at least one little guy made it

posted at 8:07 PM by the unbeatable kid
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I'm Joining the Peace Defence Force

This is an honest to goodness commercial for the Japanese navy.

I would say that it made me want to join but if I did my grandfather would probably kill me in my sleep (you know, Pearl Harbor and all that).

Seriously though, the best thing about being in the Japanese navy must be that because of Article 9 of their constitution the Japanese reject the right to use armed force to solve international disputes. Although, it also refuses the right to establish a navy so I'm not sure where that leaves us in the end.

(via iambored)

Labels: you can sail the seven seas

posted at 7:46 PM by the unbeatable kid
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Saturday, October 20, 2007

SHREDDING

Apologies if this has already been posted.
I have not laughed this hard in a loooooooong time.

posted at 1:55 AM by sleepONE
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Monday, October 15, 2007

Picture Of The Day

It's easy to see why Jesus was considered so charismatic. People tend to listen to someone riding a Velociraptor.

(via Yayhooray)

Labels: History, religion

posted at 11:33 PM by Recon
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I'm Kind Of Totally Afraid Of The Dentist

So this weekend I had a consultation with an orthodontic surgeon, and I guess I have to have a wisdom tooth pulled in a few weeks. And between us, I couldn't be more of a scared little baby-man about the idea of someone ripping the bone out my head.

I've never had any kind of surgery, cavity, broken bone, or any kind of medical procedure. So as common as this is, I'm totally shook. I'm definitely getting the IV treatment. Knock me the fuck out. No way I can be conscious for this. I will totally kick a nurse in the chest if I begin to panic. And the conversation with the dentist didn't make me rest any easier.

First of all, this guy was slick. He moved quickly from handshake into explanation of the procedure, and didn't maintain eye contact for more than a few seconds. He was good. But I didn't trust him.

Me: So I'm a little afraid, I've never had anything at all done before...

Dentist: Don't worry, it'll be just like a Saturday afternoon nap. You won't remember anything.

(FYI: I recall alot of naps over the last 30 years of my life, but I never remember waking up from one with dull throbbing pain in the side of my face and a gaping hole inside my head. So it's actually less like a nap, and more like a violent alien abduction.)

Me: Yeah, I'd really like to be unconscious.

Dentist: I understand. No problem. A lot of people don't like the sounds..the..grinding..and what not.

(That comment wasn't unsettling or anything.)

Me: Yeah. grinding and things like grinding make me kind of..uncomfortable.

Dentist: It's ok, we'll take care of you, you won't hear anything..oh, and there is a slight chance..I just have to tell you this for the record.. that the procedure might cause you to get a hole in your sinus. but it's no big deal, and it's only a 2 percent chance.

Me: That sounds awful! A hole?

Dentist: Don't worry. You'll be fine, nothing to worry about.

(If by "nothing" he meant "a hole inside my skull/face" then I will in fact proceed directly to "worried.")

Some other stuff was said, but it's a blur. Then he wisked me out into the waiting room, all the while using advanced doctor magic that bewildered me into feeling calm. But once I left, the calm wore off.

The jury's out on this "Dentist" character. I don't trust him. He's too slick to be a nice person. He has the omnious charisma of a coffin salesman.

I truly have a fear that I'll wake up and hear the instruments of doom working away on me and will be thrown into an adrenaline-fueled berzerker panic. A tragic ballet of violent comedy will ensue.

I know, I'm a wuss. Any advice to help me not be such a fucking baby is truly appreciated. Cheers.

Labels: personal

posted at 11:20 PM by Recon
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Mr. Sprocket, Your Moves Are Dangerous

This is some clip from the credits of a bike safety film featuring someone named Sam Sprocket. Sam Sprocket is an expert on bike safety. When his pills wear off, he also becomes an expert on dancing like a schizophrenic. The guy couldn't be more awesome.Come to think of it, his dance might just be the way he opens his stargate to the parallel dimension where he comes from. God I'd like to see that magical place.

(via Gorillamask)

Labels: Dance, you crazy bastard

posted at 11:00 PM by Recon
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Stacey Hedger- Star Wars Trumpet

This clip is all over the computer globonet, but I couldn't resist posting it. I was sold on the bossness of this performance from the first awkward spin Stacey executes. And when she picks up that trumpet, look out. It's like my ears are at war with a force they have never seen before. Kind of like when Picard saw the Borg for the first time. I'm pretty sure that's the tune that raises dead jazz singers from their graves.

PS: I'd marry her as long as she promised to wear that outfit year round. Sparkle power rules the nation.

(via Gorillamas k)

Labels: Imagine the best performance ever, now imagine the exact opposite

posted at 10:38 PM by Recon
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Sunday, October 14, 2007

Country Music Hearts NY

Since I'm a New Yorker living in the Midwest, I got an especially big kick out of this fake news report.

I run into a less exagerated version of that sentiment many times over the years.

(via the onion)

Labels: NYC

posted at 10:02 PM by the unbeatable kid
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Saturday, October 13, 2007

Bears for Helping

The more I learn about bears the more I realize that they are among the coolest of all the animals.

Labels: stick flipping bear

posted at 2:26 PM by the unbeatable kid
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Friday, October 12, 2007

The Diabolical Mr Sparkle

I don't think that I can do this clip justice with mere "words."

Labels: biz markie plus japan equals new dimension

posted at 2:02 PM by the unbeatable kid
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Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Picture Of The Day

Dear lord. It's glorious.

posted at 11:59 PM by Recon
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Techno Viking Vs "Beat It"

Ok, so my boy Travis sent me this video a few days ago, and I am speechless watching it. Apparently the internet is all over this guy, and I can totally see why. He's like a berzerker, thespian, dance machine, and random street tough from Van Damme's "Time Cop" all rolled into one strangely grumpy, drug-frenzied, Germanic ravemaster. When all the bombs go off and the end times finally come you can be assured of two things: I'll be living in a bunker surrounded by canned food and assault rifles, and this guy will be leading the motherfucking revolution.

Check out TechnoViking doing "Beat It". It's fantastically awesome and frightening. Oh yeah, and if you happen to run into him on the street, no he will not ask Tina Turner from The Thunderdome for an autograph, so don't even bother asking.

(thanks Travis!)

Labels: FYI: Techno Viking scares the ever-loving shit out of me.

posted at 11:59 PM by Recon
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The No Spin Zone

I smell Pulitzer.

(via Yayhooray)

Labels: hard hitting journalism

posted at 11:58 PM by Recon
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It's a Me

It is an extreme bug out to watch a 6 foot white guy do the voice of Mario. He is my new hero.

Yes, Charles Martinet is the actual voice of Mario.

Labels: mario rocks socks

posted at 10:50 PM by the unbeatable kid
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Chocolate, Strawberry, Sasperillia

Kid dammit just made me realize that this blog could use a little more Flavor Flav.

Part of the genius of Jim Jarmusch is his ability to combine two absolutely distinct aspects of culture in to one hilarious character.

Labels: OG (original goofy) MC

posted at 9:10 PM by the unbeatable kid
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Saturday, October 06, 2007

DJ OZMA - Spiderman

OK, so my man in Japan clued me into this gem.

"Check this out. This song was ranked 15th on a Music TV show this weekend (9/6/07)."

Thanks Kio!

posted at 1:54 AM by sleepONE
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Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Dschinghis Khan - Hadschi Halef Omar

Well monkiacs, it's time for another "hit" from the world's greatest band, Dschinghis Khan. Those that read M4H are well aware that when I see a new video from these guys it's like the media reacting to a new Bin Laden tape. Sheer pandemoneum. German Discohysteria engulfs me like the flames of the phoenix. Sparks shoot out of my eyes and confetti flies out of my gaping mouth. My ears burn with glee like fire ants are waging war with beautiful music on top of my eardrums. These guys got it. They're like crack, only (slightly) more socially acceptable.

Just watch..allow yourself to bask in the gorgeous soundscapes..or simply enjoy their Eastern-Bloc-rodeo-clown-meets-Mad-Max wardrobe. But whatever you do, make sure to smile. Be happy knowing that invisible waves of euro-retro radiation are permanently enhancing you for the better. People, DK isn't something you do, it's something you live. Dschinghis Khan for life, motherfuckers! Fo' Life!

Labels: 6 people from the future who have come to save us all

posted at 11:56 PM by Recon
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Pump Up The Jams...Vol.1

Rock..rock ..planet rock..don't stop.

Labels: Geordi's Unbreakable Beatbox

posted at 11:38 PM by Recon
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Someone Should Help that Poor Bear

By now, everyone probably knows about the bear who leaped from Rainbow Bridge to avoid being hit by a car, caught itself on a ledge, held on, climbed on top of the ledge, and stayed there until it was rescued over 24 hours later.

But, did you know that when "officials" arrived at the scene they took one look at the bear, shrugged their collective shoulders and walked away? Yup. It wasn't until next day when they saw the bear still under the bridge that they realized that something had to be done. WTF, people! Next time, try showing a little less disregard for a land based mammal that clearly kicks more ass then you ever will.

In the end, it didn't take Encyclopedia Brown to come up with the solution they used once they decided that it was worth their time. A net was strung up under the bear who was then tranquilized, pushed off the ledge with a pole and into the net. The net was lowered to the ground and voila.

(via neatorama and the OCRegister)

Labels: when a bear calls 911 it takes over 24 hours for help to arrive if it even does at all

posted at 6:11 PM by the unbeatable kid
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Monday, October 01, 2007

Picture Of The Day

I can't imagine what they could be looking at. If I was one of them it would take the face of God to distract me from looking at myself.

Labels: Strike a pose

posted at 11:39 PM by Recon
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Beatbox Tuba

Watching this is like that dream I had where something happened that wasn't supposed to but did anyway and made me very happy. I think that dream was about being in school and opening my textbook and finding it to be filled with delicious ice cream. And I seem to recall the teacher opening his mouth and instead of hearing boring teacher things come out, I heard "Pump Up The Jam" by 80's super-group Technotronic. That was an awesome dream.

Anyway, watch this guy pump up the jams on his motherfucking tuba. He does the things that make my vanilla ice melt. Fresh to death.

(via Gorillamask)

Labels: Music

posted at 11:28 PM by Recon
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A Brief History Of WW2 In Pictures

Labels: War

posted at 11:25 PM by Recon
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Turkish Rambo!!

Unbeatable Kid, you just blew my mind with that last clip. And the fact that while you were posting that just as I was stumbling on this gem is just plain fucking eerie. It's like crossing the streams of nerditude. I think the universe is going to explode from to much cool/awesome being in one place. Check out this uber-boss fight scene from Turkish Rambo. If one of your favorite things is being confused, prepare yourself to be happy.

*see if you can spot an young James Lipton in the role of "bad guy tough #1".