M4h Year End Blog Blow Out

The year is almost over. Pretty soon it will be 2009.

Great Caesar's ghost.

I'm so fucking old.

2009. That sounds like the future, and I like it. We may not have flying cars or personal robots like the movies promised us, but I'm still super psyched.

So much crazy shit went down over the last 12 months. The biggest news this year? We have a potentially awesome new president people don't want to throw shoes at.

B'rack the fuck up, people. Obeezy is in the house.

Fucking right, USA. You elected a man that can form complete sentences without embarrassing millions of intelligent Americans. And unlike his predecessor, he doesn't sound like Yosemite Sam by way of Down Syndrome. Bonus. He actually sounds smart. It's kind of surreal. Good on you, America. You get the gold star.

It's going to be pretty fucking weird not having a simpleton as our leader. I honestly got used to the idea that an extremely dangerous, yet surprisingly dim cattle rustler/rodeo clown caricature was our spokesperson to the world. It's weird he's finally leaving.

It feels like someone killed the bully in the school yard that's been stealing my lunch money for the last 8 years, only the bully was a quarter retarded.

What else happened? Oh yeah, OJ got bagged.

I don't really know the details of why he's going to jail, and I don't care. All I know is back in the day he literally got away with murder, and somehow has managed to fuck it all up. Orenthal. For Christ's sake. Out of all the things you could have chosen to ruin. How in the hell do you screw that pooch? That takes a perfect combination of advanced-level stupidity and truly horrible Karma. A fitting end to a ridiculous American saga.

What else? Britney went crazy, and then somehow got her shit together. Celebrities divorced the crap out of each other all year long. Lindsay went from being a crackhead to being gay, to being not-gay, then back to gay, then to gay-crackhead, and bounced back and forth until being gay and a being a crackhead suddenly became really cool.

Yet even with all the tumultuous drama going on in her life, she still maintained her robot face perfectly.

But Linsday was a fucking Mormon compared to Amy Winehouse, who in 2008 began to strongly resemble Mumra The Ever-Living.

(fig. a: Ms. Winehouse, Muuuuumm-Raaaa!!!!)

What else? Everyone got an iPhone except me. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. I want to glass that kid from the Verizon ads inside his smugly little face. Heath Ledger brought the ruckus in Dark Knight, then died, which sucked more than a lot. The U.S. economy totally pooped the bed. Gas prices went down (dope), cigarette prices went up (not dope). And for the 6th consecutive year, Iraq held on to the title of all-time biggest clusterfuck war in the history of fucking forever.

I really hope the world isn't ending. But if it is, I know the perfect guys to play the Horsemen of the Apocalypse:

Gross. It's like a technicolor waterfall of business casual serial killers.

So what else? A bunch of good shit happened, too. I grew my hair out to Viking warrior length. I saw a totally boss Chuck Norris flick called "The Octagon". Horse-face Michael Phelps won 157 medals in the Olympics. Science uncovered the secret of yawns, and finally discovered the life-saving properties of the Bee Gee's "Staying Alive." And lots of cool paranormal happenings popped off all around the globe, which I absolutely love. It was a year full of milestones.

So this year, as in the past, I hope to do a great many things. Whether I actually will or not is irrelevant. But I figure if I send positive thoughts into the Universe I'll at least land a couple of these. For instance..

I must to learn to embrace technology.

Maybe get someone in Hollywood to buy my damn script.



See more live music.



Get down with my bad self.



Tackle the unknown.



Laugh at Republicans.



Learn my history.



Exercise.



Cut back on the sweets.



Encourage women to start rocking jump suits again.



And find true love.



(then immediately challenge her to a B-boy battle.)

But in order to do that, I'll need to master a proper look.

I'll start with a healthy dose of this guy...

mix it with a shitload of this awesome person..



Throw in a pinch of these champions..



maybe add just a smidgen of the Prince for style bonus..



and complete myself with a dash of this dudebro.

(not too much, lest I spontaneously combust from denim magnificence. )

Well that's it for me in 2008. See you next year! Thanks for reading, and a Happy New Years to all of you!!

(pics via plaid stallions, thighs wide shut, yayhooray)